We're Right and You're Wrong!

Friday, January 04, 2008

The Store is Open for BUSINESS!!!

make custom gifts at Zazzle

Yea, I'm a sell out, what of it?

Friday, November 23, 2007

Thanksgiving Fun Facts

A Collection of Wisdom, Truth, and Interesting Factoids that are all 100% true.

1 - You can have my World of Warcraft when you pull it from my cold, dead, cheeto stained, fat guy hands.

2 - My dog is terrified of the sound of her own farts.

3 - When you're at a party, and someone asks you what you do, be happy you don't have to say "look at internet porn and masturbate a lot guy".

4 - Apparently my wife's favorite way to spend an hour is looking for a parking space thirty feet closer than the one I found.

5 - If you ever wished your pants could end at the fattest part of your calf, NOW THEY CAN! Try Capri-pants today!!!

6 - Recycling funny quotes from movies does not help the environment.

7 - According to the bible, everytime you type the phrase ROFL on the internet, a six year old girl gets punched in the face.

8 - I'm a founding member of the "People who started their homework five minutes before the class it's due in begins" club.

9 - Studies now show that a diet consisting of a caloric intake greater than 5,000 calories a day can lead to interest in Sci-fi conventions.

10 - Remember, even if you hate your coworkers, your boss sucks, and your job is making you suicidal, office supplies will still go home with you each day.

11 - If you ever need to have a tooth pulled, or a filling extracted, don't waste your money going to the dentist. Just eat a Sugar Daddy.

12 - I'd say it's definitely worth the $1,200 it would cost me to see more television commercials in High Def.

13 - By my very nature, I'm a quitter. But isn't quitting unemployment just a fancy way of saying "get a job"?

14 - My experience has been, even when someone asks to listen to you play the guitar, they don't like it.

15 - When I grow up, I want to base my entire political ideology on one knee jerk reaction to a single issue.

16 - If someone asks you "Do you need a hug?" it doesn't matter how you answer, your probably going to get touched.

17 - Someone needs to enforce the rule that you can't call yourself a novelist until you've had a novel published by someone other than yourself.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Transformers the Movie

Geetings Buck Lovers and Dreamers,

Well, I know my updating schedule has dropped off dramatically in the last year or so, and I think I've figured out why. I'm bored. Bored of blogging to be precise. While the day to day exploits of your ever loving Buck as so awesome that anyone hearing about it is so impressed their pants fall down and their hair bursts into flames, the actual effort of coming to this website, signing in, and then typing, is just too much for me.

And so I've been absent as of late, working on awesome movie projects, and the webcomic. But I'd like to change that.

And so, I will now be trying to write at least one movie review a week (I'll still occasionally update with a Monday Fun Fact, or some other random thoughts on occasion). I consider this a public service to you, the people. I love movies. I watch a lot of movies. And while I know I have impeccable taste, I tend to also watch movies I know I'm going to hate, for shear entertainment value.

So I will be reviewing movies, some incredibly awesome movies (Boondock Saints, Dancer in the Dark, etc.) and some unbelievably terrible movies (Battlefield Earth, Epic Movie, etc.) Being the cheap skate that I am, I rarely see movies in the theaters, so please don't expect me to review movies in theaters. But thanks to the magic of netflix, I'm more than happy to review any old movie. I'll even take requests, because I'm that kind of guy.

So without further ado, the very first official Buck Williams Movie Review:

The Transformers Movie

So I have this friend, who for the sake of anonymity, we'll call "Andy". Andy is a nice guy, but he's a little weird. Sometimes he likes good movies. Most of the time he likes really bad movies (for example, his personal collection has gems such as The Real Cancun, The Star Wars Prequels, and Riverdance). But above all, Andy is a nerd. A huge nerd. I mean, the kind of nerd who sits down at a table to play Dungeons and Dragons, but still has his laptop in front of him so he can simultaniously play World of Warcraft. Yea, that nerdy.

But Andy understands my taste. He knows what movies I'll love, and what movies I'll hate. And for several weeks he had been calling me, whining, asking me to come over and watch Transformers with him. Mrs. Buck Williams was at class one evening (she's taking a class at the YMCA called "40 ways to please your man" at my insistence), so I decided it would be less pain to acquiesce and watch the movie with him, than continue to ignore his barrage of e-mails, voice messages, and text messages.

So we settled in with some Dairy Queen, and I mentally prepared myself for the crap fest to come.

But there was no way I could have prepared myself for what I was about to see.

The story starts with a heavy handed narration, explaining the basic premise fo the movie. And make sure you pay close attention to this part, or else the rest of the movie won't make any sense. There's this cube thing, right? And space alien robots who are more than meet the eye really want said cube.

After that, the tone of the film changes drastically. What follows is a script which was taken from a fanfict website where teenage girls write masturbatory fodder about Shia Lebeouf. He's the shy nerd. There's the hot popular girl who doesn't get treated right. Bla-Bla-Bla. Now, if anyone sane were directing this film, they'd realize that trying to inject a teen romantic comedy subplot is about the stupidest thing you could do in a movie based on a toy-turned cartoon from the early 80's. But not Michael Bay.

Never one to pretend to make good films, Michael Bay instead turned what could have been an awesome hour long movie with great special effects and explosions into a bloated, 5 1/2 hour crapfest filled with awkward dialogue, bad jokes, shameless car advertisements, and forced romance.

So, three hours into the film, we get our first glimpse of the transformers. More specifically, the autobots. And I gotta admit, the special effects are pretty. They have all the favorites, Bumblebee, who is now mentally retarded, Optimus Prime, Two filler robots, and token ethnic robot (who does in fact, breakdance. No, I'm not kidding). My only complaint about the Transformer's appearance is they lacked the awesome sticker on their chest which you would rub to reveal if they were a decepticon or an Autobot. That, and the fact that the awesome transformer transforming sound (you know, ko-ku-kee-ri-ku-ko) only happened once, un the first scene of the movie. That really pissed me of. Suck my balls Michael Bay. Suck my balls.

Fast forward for another hour, and we learn that the Decepticons are after the cube. Or something. I didn't really care anymore. Fast forward some more, and we get to what my friend Beardo calls "The meat 'n' potatoes". The fight scene.

If you wanted some hot transformer on transformer action, then this is your moment. Or so I'd been told. All I can say is I was disappointed.

It's not that the transformers didn't look good, they did. At least, what I could see of them. THe problem is Michael Bay. He decided to follow the current hot trend amongst action movie directors, which is the "shaky cam" style of filming for fight scenes. It can be effective in some instances (Batman Begins, or the Bourne movies) but in this case, it just made me feel like I was having a seziure. A robot filled seziure. And while that might sound pleasant, it isn't. So the actions scenes were incredibly disorienting, to the point where I couldn't tell who was hitting who with what.

You'll be pleased to know, things end predictably. The Cube is saved from the evil robots. The ethnic robot is killed. Shia gets the girl. A sequel is in the works.

This movie sucked. I hope someone, somewhere will finally wake up and realize we need to stop giving Michael Bay money, and start finding some decent talent out there to make some truly awesome movies.

I give this movie One Buck out of Ten.

Random Observations:

Why is it every army unit in the movies is composed of the tough guy, the nerd, the coward, the leader, and the black guy?

How does that annoying fat black guy keep getting work? Has he ever been in a good movie? (a quick look at imdb shows us that his name is Anthony Anderson, and confirms that he has not been in anything good, ever. I hope you get Colon Cancer Anthony)

Did anyone else find the small robot so annoying they contemplated bending a wire coat hanger into a hook, and jamming into their ear in the hopes of scraping out the part of the brain that remembers that part of the movie?

Why on earth was John Turturro in this movie?

Was anyone else sad to see they didn't include Soundwave, arguably the coolest transformer, because he was a boombox and had tapes that were mini transformers?

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

It's Been Too Long

I know, I know, and I'm sorry. it's just...blogging is so much work, and I've been so busy with other things. We've been editting the awesome movie Art of War, and I've started writing and drawing my very own webcomic.

It won't be ready for launch any time soon, but I thought you'd appreciate my first drawing I did to test my scanner and to make sure everything works OK. I decided to draw the most awesome picture ever drawn. It's pretty awesome, so brace yourself.

Here it is:


Thursday, July 05, 2007

Things I’ve Learned About Girls From Myspace

As many of you might know, I’ve been using myspace for awhile now, and I have to confess, it’s both an incredibly fascinating social commentary, and at the same exact time, incredibly boring. In fact, I’m becoming more and more convinced that myspace is actually Buck Williams in internet form, all full of bad poetry and awkward flirtations.

But I digress.

We all know the only reason human beings use the internet, a fascinating tool filled with all kinds of information (example: my butt has a lot of hair on it, so I shave it. Now that factoid is on the internet for all to read.), to do nothing but read about, look at pictures of, or watch videos about sex.

Sex is the only thing that matters on the internet. It is to our generation what sweaters were to previous generations.

That being said, I have learned from myspace, that all of the girls in the world can be divided into three convenient subgroups. Every girl falls into one of these categories. So dudes, it’s as simple as finding which category you want to have sex with, and exploiting their interests. For your convenience, and to save you the countless hours and time I’ve spent researching, here are my findings.

#1 – Emo Girl

For those who aren’t hip to the new lingo, “emo” is short for “emotionally retarded”. Basically, this is every “Artistic” girl you ever met in high school. You know, the one who wore weird clothes not because they liked them, but as some sort of calculated attempt to tell the world they don’t care by shopping at goodwill. These are the easiest to identify. Just take a look at their picture. Is there a sharp angles photo of their face? Are they wearing lots and lots of eye shadow? Are they looking down, or sadly into the camera, as if to say “This photo is so candid I think I’m going to cry”? Is she wearing a hood? Well then my friend, you’ve got an emo girl. Beware, reading their many, many self indulgent blog entries can induce coma. I’m not kidding. Most emo girls feel they are deep and have something significant to say, you know, because they’ve learned so much about life and stuff by growing up in predominantly white rich suburban areas. That’s where life’s hardest lessons are taught. I mean, it’s like totally unfair that they have to go to school, because like, no one understands them. So you will be reading many journal entries about how much they hurt, lots of bad poetry about the sky turning black (and as many things that rhyme with black as you can think of), and some really terrible short stories, or if you’re really unlucky, a novel.

Ways to get them interested: Talk about feelings. More specifically, how they hurt. Also, liking My Chemical Romance doesn’t hurt.

#2 – Slutty Girl

Now, I have nothing against slutty girls. Heaven knows, I would be as big of a slut as they get if I wasn’t ugly. But after having received 500,000 invites to be friends with webcam girls, I’ve got to say, it’s getting a bit old. I mean, does anyone honestly pay for porn on the internet these days? Why would you, when just simply typing “big butts” in google images gets you all the free pictures you can handle? The way to identify a slutty girl is pretty easy, the picture will prominently feature boobs. Is she looking up at the camera, squeezing her cleavage at you as hard as possible? Is she only in her underwear? Is she wearing a thong? Well, then odds are she’s a slut.

Ways to get them interested: Pay them money. That is all.

#3 – Ugly/Fat Girl

Once again, this group is fairly easily identifiable, though not by picture, because they tend to use photos of their feet, or hands, or random cute cats. The tip off here is the name. Cutiepie216, Catpetal1, or Sweetthing325. Any sort of amalgamation of over the top girly things is your clue here, names like rose-doily-tampon or rainbow-lactation mean they are either incredibly unattractive, boring, overweight, or an unpleasant mixture of all three. Likely it’s all three. They’ll have a lot of posts about what they did that day, which usually involves telling a funny story about something outrageous they did at work, like putting glitter all over a coworkers desk, or wearing clothes from the 80’s. You know, stuff that they find hilarious, but everyone else finds a little bit creepy.

Ways to get them interested: Listen to them. No one else does, so they’re pretty starved for attention.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Since I Can't Resist an Anonymous Request...

Here are some Monday Fun Facts, Courtesy of Friday.

1 - Office Farts are the most magical farts in the world.

2 - If we're going to be politically correct, I think we should stop calling people "stupid" and start calling them "future assistent managers".

3 - This just in, owning a home isn't just for the rich anymore, it's also for middle class people who want to be in debt for the rest of their lives.

4 - If the internet was a country, it would be "I'mboredsowhere'sthepornistan"

5 - Rich white guy in 2008; you got no choice...

6 - If my coworkers decided to pull a prank, and replace my cubicle with a refrigerator box, I bet I wouldn't notice the difference.

7 - People who go on message boards are clearly deficient in the mineral angry nerd.

8 - Why do customer's who are dick's think it's a real threat to go be a dick in some other store if they don't get their way?

9 - When in a formal dining situation, it is not considered polite to use your neighbor's wine glass as a spitoon.

10 - The public mailbox sitting at the corner of the street by my house is acually 75% more useful than an actual postal service employee.

11 - Dear Virgin Mary that just appeared in my pancakes. You should have picked a morning I was less hungry, because I'm about to perform the miracle of breakfast.

12 - When did straight edge take on the moniker "No Drugs, No Alcohol, No Deoderant"?

13 - Most people don't know that I'm actually a writer as well as a blogger. but it's mostly Hello Kitty fan fiction.

14 - If hell is your own personal misery, then my hell is having to eat at Wendy's everyday, but the Frosty Machine is out of order.

15 - A new survey of american offices will show you that the new american dream is petty lunch theft and flash games.

16 - Gardening is the world's most ingenius marketing campaign. How else would you convince normal people to pay money for bags of poop?

17 - Mathflakes, the most boring cereal ever. Now with extra cosine!!!

18 - Remember Gerald Ford? Yea, me neither...

19 - Life actually boils down to a simple equation. X equals you, and X also equals stupid.

20 - The entire contents of my new book "How to care for a Hamster" (spoiler alert!) "Put it in a box or something".

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Yes, I'm Still Alive

Movie making, it's tough...

Friday, December 15, 2006

Art of War; The Second Greatest Story Ever Told

Well my beloved Buckites, work on the new film is coming along nicely. We have a production team, a budget, a great crew, and this promises to be the greatest film ever made.

It is called simply:

Art of War

What's this film about you ask? Well, first of all, that's kind of nosey. But secondly, it's about what DJ SHovel Pants has declared the most awesome thing ever.


But, being the genius that I am, I thought, "Don't get me wrong, Zombies are awesome, but there must be a way to improve on Zombies". So I began to think of all the adjectives that could be used to make the word Zombies even more awesome. And that's when I came up with the brilliant premise for this movie.

Alien Zombies.

This movie promises to be so awesome, it will cause you to spontaniously evacuate your bowels and blow a large hole in the back of your pants.

Here's the first promotional graphic I came up with for the film. I think you'll agree, it's the best promotional graphic the world has ever seen.

We've also created a myspace profile for the main character, Arthur DeGuerra, so make certain to add him as a friend if you're to be found over at myspace.


This is going to rule!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Amazing True Stories From the Life of Buck Williams

I have realized of late that I am in a deep and loving relationship with you, my loving and adoring readers, and yet you know little to nothing about the glorious life that shaped the charming genius who now types before you.

So in an effort to help you understand the brilliance that is Buck Williams, I have decided to write a series of absolutely true life stories from the Journal of Buck Williams. Some would call it a diary, but diaries are for girls, so shut up!

When I was in high school, I worked at a movie theater. It was the sweetest job ever. I mostly worked the concession stand, which onvolved working for twenty or thirty minutes before the movie started, selling popcorn and candy, and then standing around for an hour and a half doing nothing until the next set of movies was going to start.

As an excessively lazy person, this job was an ideal fit for me. I would sit around, eat popcorn, drink pop, and take bets on how much of a full sized loaf of Herbert's and Gerbet's (a local sub shop) day old bread I could fit in my mouth at once.

But, sometimes things would be busy, and you'd have thirty people standing in line, talking loudly with bad breath (and likely gas to boot) wanting to stuff their fat faces with fat foods slathered in fake butter fat. It would be obnoxious, but a small price to pay for having the easiest job ever.

One particular evening, when the horrendous film "Titanic" was in the theater, we were extremely busy. While Titanic is arguably one of the worst pieces of film ever made, the film makers hit paydirt by appeal to the 13-16 year old girl, and 20-32 year old gay male demographic. We would see the same people go to two, or even three showings of the film in the same day.

Now, as I was working, this obnoxiously fat woman and her two ugly, also fat children (think a hippo with two babies attached to it's side) arrived at my stand. Now, I greeted her with a warm smile and asked her if I could help her, as per my training. She replied:

"Jesus Christ man! I've been in line for twenty minutes! That's rediculous! THis place has the worst service ever!"

I smiled, apologized, and asked what I could get her. She replied "Umm....I don't know yet, hang on" and she and her children proceded to argue about what they would order.

Now, I of course wanted to point out that had she been waiting in line for a half hour, maybe that would have been adequate time for her and her two fat children to decide what they wanted to order, but I didn't want to appear rude to this beached whale with two bean bags attached to her chest, so I simply smiled and waited. And waited. And waited as they argued.

"OK" she spat. "We'd like two large popcorns with extra butter and salt, three boxes of Junior Mints, three boxes of Milk Duds, three packages of Sour Patch Kids, and three large Cokes."

So, I started working, putting the popcorn in the bags.

"Don't pack it down like that you idiot!" she yelled on me as I was putting her popcorn into the bag. "I don't want to eat all crumbs. If that bag is filled with crumbs, I'm not going to pay for it!" I apologized, and kept working. I grabbed her boxes of candy as she began stuffing popcorn in her face. "Hey, don't bang those boxes around! What are you stupid? I don't want to eat mashed up Junior Mints! If they're mashed up I'm not paying for it!"

I started to fill her drinks, first with ice, to which she yelled (spitting flecks of half chewed popcorn all over the counter as she did) "Don't put to much ice in it! I know what you idiots do to try and rob us of more money! FIlling the pops with ice, so there's very little pop in it! God you people make me sick".

Now, I consider myself a patient man, but she was really pushing my limits. Insult after insult, yelling at me over and over and over. Finally I had everything ready, and rang her up. Of course, that much food at movie theater prices is going to be quite expensive. So when she saw the total was over $30.00, she once again began to yell at me about how I was a theif, a liar, an idiot, etc. At this point I was just sitting silently, taking her abuse, and waiting for her fat cheeks to stop flapping, so her sausage link fingers could hand me a greasy wad of cash, and she and her two marshmellow shaped children could go watch Leo Dicaprio drown.

Finally she handed me the money, and as I was getting her change, she took a sip of her pop. She then slammed it down on the counter, spilling it all over the napikin dispensor, the straws, and me, and yelled furiously:


No something in the back of my large and intelligent brain snapped upon hearing this. After bearing the brunt of so many insults, and just smiling, my psyche couldn't take it any more, and before I could stop myself, my mouth opened, and the words came out:

"Well, don't you think it's a little late for that?"

We both stood there, stunned. I, trying to figure out what just happened, as my mouth seemingly operated independantly of my brain, she, unable to comprehend that someone had just called her fat to her face. Her giant head blanched an ugly red, and she very quietly said "What did you say to me?"

I stood there in silence, as behind me, all five of my coworkers left the concession booth to go to the hidden back room with the popcorn popper to burst into uncontrolled fits of laughter.

Fatty McBigHuge asked to see my manager. Luckily my manager had been within ear shot the entire time, and instead of siding with the horrible fat lady, sided with her employee and told the woman her abusive behavior was unnacceptable, that yes, what I had said was innappropriate, but throwing a pop at me could be construed as assault, and she would have to leave or my boss was going to call the police. So the giant beast waddled her way out of the theater, her face blushing a dark red as she continued to shout explatives and curses my way while her two miniature manitees followed in suit, one crying because she wasn't going to get to fantasize about Leo Decaprio feeding her a stick of butter wrapped in Bacon.

My boss told me I couldn't do that again, and then gave me two free movie tickets because what I said was one of the funniest things she'd ever heard. And that was the day I knew I'd never have a better job than working at that movie theater.

The End.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

What's New Pussycat (Tom Jones Rocks My World)?

Well Buckites, it's been awhile since I've updated regularly, but I'm getting back into the swing of things, I think. Who knows, I may end up going through another dry spell, but I promise, if that happens, I will at least lend you several of my favorite pornographic films and let you take a wiff of the large jar I've been collecting my farts in for the last three years for my latest performance art project called "The Smell Of America".

So what's new in the life of Buck you ask? (and if you didn't, well, you get to find out anyway).

Well, we've begun work on our next movie. This one promises to be bigger, better, and less inside joke filled than the Dungeons and Dragons movie, and by the looks of things, we'll be having a real budget. People seem to love the movie we made, and so we're patching together some money (and be "we" I mean "other people who aren't as lazy as I am") for some low brow special effects and lots of fake blood.

What's this new movie about you ask? (I'm sure you did, since everything I do is so endlessly fascinating)

Well, I don't want to spoil this project for you, my adoring fans, but I will give you two words which will tittilate (can anyone say that word without giggling? I can't! LOL!) and excited you to no end.

Alien Zombies.

That's right, this movie will involve, or currently does involve Alien Zombies. My logic was as follows. What is totally, undeniably, and completely awesome? Aliens! Now what's another world you could add to Aliens to make them even more awesome? Dildos? No. Alien Dildos has been waaaaay over done in Japan. Lime? No. No one needs flavored Aliens, and if they were flavored, Mango would be the way to go. So what then?


I am confident that this movie will be a contender for an academy award. It is going to be so great that movie theaters where it will be shown will need to hire extra janitors because faces will explode and oil will be squirted from anuses across America. It will be that great. So remember, bring a towel and poncho!

If you live in or around the Minneapolis Area and would like to be an extra in this film extravaganza, please feel free to shoot me an e-mail, so that I can verify you aren't going to be a crazy person intent on stabbing me in the face, and we can probably use your 733T skills on this project, which promises to be so awesome your pants will fall down and spontaniously burst into flames.

And lastly, since I've been in a pissy mood lately, here's a list of five things that have been bothering me lately.

#1 - Back Hair
I recently celebrated my 93 birthday, and with each passing year, my hair continues to migrate from the top of my head to my lower back and shoulders. God, I think I've found a serious design flaw in your program here. Luckily Mrs. Buck Williams is patient and loving enough to pluck (or tweeze) those hairs while she's back there popping my numerous and wheeping white heads (or backne if you prefer). Delicious!

#2 - Controvesial Movies
So I've been watching supposed "controversial art films" lately curtousy of netflix, and I have to say, they've been a disappointing lot. I have learned one important lesson though. Controversial does not mean good, it means gross. I've now seen three movies where a man eats a woman's mensus (or period juice as I like to call it) including a scene where a woman dips her used tampon in a glass of water like a tea bag, and she and her gay lover drink. Aside from being mildly nausiating, these movies have had one important element in common. They were all incredibly boring. In the Realm of the Senses, Anatomy of Hell, Romance, Baise Moi, Salo, Ichi the Killer, Cannibal Holocauste, all of them boring. I've seen some disturbing movies that are incredibly good (such as Irriversible, Tetsuo; Iron Man, Fat Girl, Happiness, or Audition), but these were just steaming piles of "Hey, let's see how gross an idea we can come up with and then film it forever". So my recomendation to all of you? Don't watch a movie because it's controversial, watch a movie because it's good.

#3 - The Minneapolis Mono-rail
DJ Shovel Pants once wrote a huge tangent about how much he hated the new light rail, and at the time I assumed that, like most of my friends, he simpy had "mental issues". While my opinion of his psychological capacity has not changed, I have recently come to understand exactly why he hates the monorail so much. It's pretty much because it's the worst thing ever, and has made my trip home take much longer than it should, as I have to choose between sitting at a red light for a half hour while the trains go by on their merry way, or drive fifteen minutes out of my way to bypass the stupid things. I hate you monorail! I HATE YOU!!!!

#4 - Dane Cook
I realize I risk inciting the wrath of my close friend and stunt butt extrordanaire Hoah Nager, but I have yet to find anything even remotely funny about Dane Cook and his stand up "comedy". While admittedly, he is a marketing genius, the guy is just not funny. He gesticulates wildly, and is very sincere in his delivery. You can tell he wants to make you laugh, but like a retarded monkey in a tutu, it seems like reaching for the banana of genuine humor is just beyond his limited capacity, and no one has the heart to tell him to just stop and go work in the food service industry. He just isn't funny, but he is great at selling his not funny routine as hilarious. DON'T FALL FOR IT PEOPLE! Dane Cook is the Carrot Top of the new decade.

#5 - People Named Randy
If there was ever a name that should be relegated to the world of the mentally disabled, it's Randy. So, for all you people named Randy out there, seriously, what the hell? It's because of you that Larry the Cable Guy has an audience. So knock it off!

Also, this just in: Daniel Johnston is a frickin' genius! I don't care what anyone says. He is awesome.