7 Things I Know About Celebrities That I Wish I Didn't

I don't have a television. I don't read people magazine. In fact, I try to avoid tabloid trash about celebrities as much as is humanly possible. And yet, for some unexplicable reason, this information comes to me. So here are 7 things that I now know (mostly thanks to socially awkward and unattractive coworkers), that I wish I didn't.



#1 - Anna Nicole Smith is Pregnant.

In addition to instantly drawing up the disgusting image of Anna Nicole Smith having sex (just typing that made me take a pencil off my desk and gouge out my eyeballs to stop the terrible, terrible burning. So please excuse any typos from here on out, as I can't see what I'm writing.), and my wonderment of the shear physics of such an event, this is something I simply do not need to know.

I struggle with depression enough as it is people. I don't need to know that people like her are procreating. If this is the case, in three generations there could be 60 to 70 Anna Nicole Smiths walking the world, and that just makes me want to eat a bullet.




#2 - Britney Spears is Pregnant (again)

If anyone can't see this white trash, child dropping, spoiled little fame whore as the greatest single arguement for public forced sterility and pregnancy regulation, then you probably aren't enjoying this rant, because you never learned how to read.

But hey, at least her husband can rap well. Right? Am I right? I'm totally right.

Or as K-Fed would say (with his massive amounts of store bought "street cred") "Word".




#3 - Jennifer Aniston is dating Vince Vaughn

In addition to me not caring, this has to go down in history as the world's biggest down grade. I mean, c'mon! I'm not gay, and I'd probably sleep with Brad Pitt given the opportunity. So to go from Brad "ripped with a six pack" Pitt to Vince "pastey with a one pack" Vaughn? She must be desperate and drunk.

I mean, look at Vince! You know that's the face of a man who farts in bed. Hell, he'd probably fart in front of your parents and then waft the stinky air into your face, all while giggling and smoking a giant cigar.

But I gotta hand it to Vince. The dude's got timing. That has to be the biggest desperate rebound score ever. I mean, hell, if Vince is dating Jennifer Aniston, that means that I had a chance! I HAD A CHANCE!!!!




#4 - Keith Richards is still alive (somehow)

Despite being 3,000 years old, a chain smoker, having replaced more than 50% of his blood with foreign substances, and his recent fall from a tree, Keith Richards is still alive and kicking.

This only gives credence to the Wayne's World theory that "Keith Richards cannot be killed by conventional weapons". If the governments of the world do not unite, this Mummy will conquer us all.




#5 - Katie Holmes is dating Tom Cruise

Katie "Infected With Herpes" Holmes and Tom "Secretly Gay" Cruise; or "Tomkat" as I like to call them (I totally just made that up, feel free to use it!) are dating, or married, or soemthing. And she had his kid. The whole thing struck me as an attempt by Tom Cruise to prove that he's not gay. I can just imagine him on some talk show going:

"Gay? What are you talking about?!?!? I totally put that in her! That sperm was all mine!"

Can you imagine being that kid, and getting "the talk" about the birds and bees from Tommy Boy:

"Sometimes, when a woman loves a man very much, a man can concentrate, really, really hard on something he likes, like for example, Brad Pitt, and when he does, something magical can happen, with the right amount of will power."

Also, I think I read somewhere he is a scientologist.




#6 - Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had a kid

My first reaction is, "Who Cares?" That is followed up by the answer "Stupid People". So two famous people had a kid. If Nicole Richie has taught us anything, it is that talent is not genetic.

So they had a kid? What business is it of mine? So Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston broke up? Why the hell should I care? It's not like I'm going to meet either of them.

The only comment I can make on these two lovebirds, na dthis is an actual, serious social commentary from your very own Buck Williams, is it's about damn time some celebrity other than Bono tried to use their fame for something good. Good for you Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt!

Now if only I could come up with some sort of witty nickname like "Tomkat" that would stick for these two...




#7 - Paris Hilton is releasing a music album

Paris (scene here scratching her recent resurgence of crabs) is apparantly going to be the next "American Idol", not because she has a good singing voice, looks, dancing ability, charisma, charm, wit, or any talent whatsoever. It's because her dad is rich.

Paris recently had this to say about the project "The whole album has so much different music on it. I like all music. It's not like I only like pop or only rock. I want to have something for everybody."

Wow, she must be a musical virtuoso! I'm so excited to hear it now.

I hate my life...