We're Right and You're Wrong!

The Store is Open for BUSINESS!!!

2008-01-04T17:58:00.000-08:00

make custom gifts at Zazzle

Yea, I'm a sell out, what of it?

Thanksgiving Fun Facts

2007-11-23T21:06:00.000-08:00

A Collection of Wisdom, Truth, and Interesting Factoids that are all 100% true.

1 - You can have my World of Warcraft when you pull it from my cold, dead, cheeto stained, fat guy hands.

2 - My dog is terrified of the sound of her own farts.

3 - When you're at a party, and someone asks you what you do, be happy you don't have to say "look at internet porn and masturbate a lot guy".

4 - Apparently my wife's favorite way to spend an hour is looking for a parking space thirty feet closer than the one I found.

5 - If you ever wished your pants could end at the fattest part of your calf, NOW THEY CAN! Try Capri-pants today!!!

6 - Recycling funny quotes from movies does not help the environment.

7 - According to the bible, everytime you type the phrase ROFL on the internet, a six year old girl gets punched in the face.

8 - I'm a founding member of the "People who started their homework five minutes before the class it's due in begins" club.

9 - Studies now show that a diet consisting of a caloric intake greater than 5,000 calories a day can lead to interest in Sci-fi conventions.

10 - Remember, even if you hate your coworkers, your boss sucks, and your job is making you suicidal, office supplies will still go home with you each day.

11 - If you ever need to have a tooth pulled, or a filling extracted, don't waste your money going to the dentist. Just eat a Sugar Daddy.

12 - I'd say it's definitely worth the $1,200 it would cost me to see more television commercials in High Def.

13 - By my very nature, I'm a quitter. But isn't quitting unemployment just a fancy way of saying "get a job"?

14 - My experience has been, even when someone asks to listen to you play the guitar, they don't like it.

15 - When I grow up, I want to base my entire political ideology on one knee jerk reaction to a single issue.

16 - If someone asks you "Do you need a hug?" it doesn't matter how you answer, your probably going to get touched.

17 - Someone needs to enforce the rule that you can't call yourself a novelist until you've had a novel published by someone other than yourself.

Transformers the Movie

2007-11-21T20:21:00.000-08:00

Geetings Buck Lovers and Dreamers,

Well, I know my updating schedule has dropped off dramatically in the last year or so, and I think I've figured out why. I'm bored. Bored of blogging to be precise. While the day to day exploits of your ever loving Buck as so awesome that anyone hearing about it is so impressed their pants fall down and their hair bursts into flames, the actual effort of coming to this website, signing in, and then typing, is just too much for me.

And so I've been absent as of late, working on awesome movie projects, and the webcomic. But I'd like to change that.

And so, I will now be trying to write at least one movie review a week (I'll still occasionally update with a Monday Fun Fact, or some other random thoughts on occasion). I consider this a public service to you, the people. I love movies. I watch a lot of movies. And while I know I have impeccable taste, I tend to also watch movies I know I'm going to hate, for shear entertainment value.

So I will be reviewing movies, some incredibly awesome movies (Boondock Saints, Dancer in the Dark, etc.) and some unbelievably terrible movies (Battlefield Earth, Epic Movie, etc.) Being the cheap skate that I am, I rarely see movies in the theaters, so please don't expect me to review movies in theaters. But thanks to the magic of netflix, I'm more than happy to review any old movie. I'll even take requests, because I'm that kind of guy.

So without further ado, the very first official Buck Williams Movie Review:

The Transformers Movie

So I have this friend, who for the sake of anonymity, we'll call "Andy". Andy is a nice guy, but he's a little weird. Sometimes he likes good movies. Most of the time he likes really bad movies (for example, his personal collection has gems such as The Real Cancun, The Star Wars Prequels, and Riverdance). But above all, Andy is a nerd. A huge nerd. I mean, the kind of nerd who sits down at a table to play Dungeons and Dragons, but still has his laptop in front of him so he can simultaniously play World of Warcraft. Yea, that nerdy.

But Andy understands my taste. He knows what movies I'll love, and what movies I'll hate. And for several weeks he had been calling me, whining, asking me to come over and watch Transformers with him. Mrs. Buck Williams was at class one evening (she's taking a class at the YMCA called "40 ways to please your man" at my insistence), so I decided it would be less pain to acquiesce and watch the movie with him, than continue to ignore his barrage of e-mails, voice messages, and text messages.

So we settled in with some Dairy Queen, and I mentally prepared myself for the crap fest to come.

But there was no way I could have prepared myself for what I was about to see.

The story starts with a heavy handed narration, explaining the basic premise fo the movie. And make sure you pay close attention to this part, or else the rest of the movie won't make any sense. There's this cube thing, right? And space alien robots who are more than meet the eye really want said cube.

After that, the tone of the film changes drastically. What follows is a script which was taken from a fanfict website where teenage girls write masturbatory fodder about Shia Lebeouf. He's the shy nerd. There's the hot popular girl who doesn't get treated right. Bla-Bla-Bla. Now, if anyone sane were directing this film, they'd realize that trying to inject a teen romantic comedy subplot is about the stupidest thing you could do in a movie based on a toy-turned cartoon from the early 80's. But not Michael Bay.

Never one to pretend to make good films, Michael Bay instead turned what could have been an awesome hour long movie with great special effects and explosions into a bloated, 5 1/2 hour crapfest filled with awkward dialogue, bad jokes, shameless car advertisements, and forced romance.

So, three hours into the film, we get our first glimpse of the transformers. More specifically, the autobots. And I gotta admit, the special effects are pretty. They have all the favorites, Bumblebee, who is now mentally retarded, Optimus Prime, Two filler robots, and token ethnic robot (who does in fact, breakdance. No, I'm not kidding). My only complaint about the Transformer's appearance is they lacked the awesome sticker on their chest which you would rub to reveal if they were a decepticon or an Autobot. That, and the fact that the awesome transformer transforming sound (you know, ko-ku-kee-ri-ku-ko) only happened once, un the first scene of the movie. That really pissed me of. Suck my balls Michael Bay. Suck my balls.

Fast forward for another hour, and we learn that the Decepticons are after the cube. Or something. I didn't really care anymore. Fast forward some more, and we get to what my friend Beardo calls "The meat 'n' potatoes". The fight scene.

If you wanted some hot transformer on transformer action, then this is your moment. Or so I'd been told. All I can say is I was disappointed.

It's not that the transformers didn't look good, they did. At least, what I could see of them. THe problem is Michael Bay. He decided to follow the current hot trend amongst action movie directors, which is the "shaky cam" style of filming for fight scenes. It can be effective in some instances (Batman Begins, or the Bourne movies) but in this case, it just made me feel like I was having a seziure. A robot filled seziure. And while that might sound pleasant, it isn't. So the actions scenes were incredibly disorienting, to the point where I couldn't tell who was hitting who with what.

You'll be pleased to know, things end predictably. The Cube is saved from the evil robots. The ethnic robot is killed. Shia gets the girl. A sequel is in the works.

This movie sucked. I hope someone, somewhere will finally wake up and realize we need to stop giving Michael Bay money, and start finding some decent talent out there to make some truly awesome movies.

I give this movie One Buck out of Ten.

Random Observations:

Why is it every army unit in the movies is composed of the tough guy, the nerd, the coward, the leader, and the black guy?

How does that annoying fat black guy keep getting work? Has he ever been in a good movie? (a quick look at imdb shows us that his name is Anthony Anderson, and confirms that he has not been in anything good, ever. I hope you get Colon Cancer Anthony)

Did anyone else find the small robot so annoying they contemplated bending a wire coat hanger into a hook, and jamming into their ear in the hopes of scraping out the part of the brain that remembers that part of the movie?

Why on earth was John Turturro in this movie?

Was anyone else sad to see they didn't include Soundwave, arguably the coolest transformer, because he was a boombox and had tapes that were mini transformers?

It's Been Too Long

2007-11-13T13:57:00.000-08:00

I know, I know, and I'm sorry. it's just...blogging is so much work, and I've been so busy with other things. We've been editting the awesome movie Art of War, and I've started writing and drawing my very own webcomic.

It won't be ready for launch any time soon, but I thought you'd appreciate my first drawing I did to test my scanner and to make sure everything works OK. I decided to draw the most awesome picture ever drawn. It's pretty awesome, so brace yourself.

Here it is:

FRICKIN' SWEET!!!

Things I’ve Learned About Girls From Myspace

2007-07-05T09:41:00.001-07:00

As many of you might know, I’ve been using myspace for awhile now, and I have to confess, it’s both an incredibly fascinating social commentary, and at the same exact time, incredibly boring. In fact, I’m becoming more and more convinced that myspace is actually Buck Williams in internet form, all full of bad poetry and awkward flirtations.

But I digress.

We all know the only reason human beings use the internet, a fascinating tool filled with all kinds of information (example: my butt has a lot of hair on it, so I shave it. Now that factoid is on the internet for all to read.), to do nothing but read about, look at pictures of, or watch videos about sex.

Sex is the only thing that matters on the internet. It is to our generation what sweaters were to previous generations.

That being said, I have learned from myspace, that all of the girls in the world can be divided into three convenient subgroups. Every girl falls into one of these categories. So dudes, it’s as simple as finding which category you want to have sex with, and exploiting their interests. For your convenience, and to save you the countless hours and time I’ve spent researching, here are my findings.

#1 – Emo Girl

For those who aren’t hip to the new lingo, “emo” is short for “emotionally retarded”. Basically, this is every “Artistic” girl you ever met in high school. You know, the one who wore weird clothes not because they liked them, but as some sort of calculated attempt to tell the world they don’t care by shopping at goodwill. These are the easiest to identify. Just take a look at their picture. Is there a sharp angles photo of their face? Are they wearing lots and lots of eye shadow? Are they looking down, or sadly into the camera, as if to say “This photo is so candid I think I’m going to cry”? Is she wearing a hood? Well then my friend, you’ve got an emo girl. Beware, reading their many, many self indulgent blog entries can induce coma. I’m not kidding. Most emo girls feel they are deep and have something significant to say, you know, because they’ve learned so much about life and stuff by growing up in predominantly white rich suburban areas. That’s where life’s hardest lessons are taught. I mean, it’s like totally unfair that they have to go to school, because like, no one understands them. So you will be reading many journal entries about how much they hurt, lots of bad poetry about the sky turning black (and as many things that rhyme with black as you can think of), and some really terrible short stories, or if you’re really unlucky, a novel.

Ways to get them interested: Talk about feelings. More specifically, how they hurt. Also, liking My Chemical Romance doesn’t hurt.

#2 – Slutty Girl

Now, I have nothing against slutty girls. Heaven knows, I would be as big of a slut as they get if I wasn’t ugly. But after having received 500,000 invites to be friends with webcam girls, I’ve got to say, it’s getting a bit old. I mean, does anyone honestly pay for porn on the internet these days? Why would you, when just simply typing “big butts” in google images gets you all the free pictures you can handle? The way to identify a slutty girl is pretty easy, the picture will prominently feature boobs. Is she looking up at the camera, squeezing her cleavage at you as hard as possible? Is she only in her underwear? Is she wearing a thong? Well, then odds are she’s a slut.

Ways to get them interested: Pay them money. That is all.

#3 – Ugly/Fat Girl

Once again, this group is fairly easily identifiable, though not by picture, because they tend to use photos of their feet, or hands, or random cute cats. The tip off here is the name. Cutiepie216, Catpetal1, or Sweetthing325. Any sort of amalgamation of over the top girly things is your clue here, names like rose-doily-tampon or rainbow-lactation mean they are either incredibly unattractive, boring, overweight, or an unpleasant mixture of all three. Likely it’s all three. They’ll have a lot of posts about what they did that day, which usually involves telling a funny story about something outrageous they did at work, like putting glitter all over a coworkers desk, or wearing clothes from the 80’s. You know, stuff that they find hilarious, but everyone else finds a little bit creepy.

Ways to get them interested: Listen to them. No one else does, so they’re pretty starved for attention.

Since I Can't Resist an Anonymous Request...

2007-06-22T11:53:00.000-07:00

Here are some Monday Fun Facts, Courtesy of Friday.

1 - Office Farts are the most magical farts in the world.

2 - If we're going to be politically correct, I think we should stop calling people "stupid" and start calling them "future assistent managers".

3 - This just in, owning a home isn't just for the rich anymore, it's also for middle class people who want to be in debt for the rest of their lives.

4 - If the internet was a country, it would be "I'mboredsowhere'sthepornistan"

5 - Rich white guy in 2008; you got no choice...

6 - If my coworkers decided to pull a prank, and replace my cubicle with a refrigerator box, I bet I wouldn't notice the difference.

7 - People who go on message boards are clearly deficient in the mineral angry nerd.

8 - Why do customer's who are dick's think it's a real threat to go be a dick in some other store if they don't get their way?

9 - When in a formal dining situation, it is not considered polite to use your neighbor's wine glass as a spitoon.

10 - The public mailbox sitting at the corner of the street by my house is acually 75% more useful than an actual postal service employee.

11 - Dear Virgin Mary that just appeared in my pancakes. You should have picked a morning I was less hungry, because I'm about to perform the miracle of breakfast.

12 - When did straight edge take on the moniker "No Drugs, No Alcohol, No Deoderant"?

13 - Most people don't know that I'm actually a writer as well as a blogger. but it's mostly Hello Kitty fan fiction.

14 - If hell is your own personal misery, then my hell is having to eat at Wendy's everyday, but the Frosty Machine is out of order.

15 - A new survey of american offices will show you that the new american dream is petty lunch theft and flash games.

16 - Gardening is the world's most ingenius marketing campaign. How else would you convince normal people to pay money for bags of poop?

17 - Mathflakes, the most boring cereal ever. Now with extra cosine!!!

18 - Remember Gerald Ford? Yea, me neither...

19 - Life actually boils down to a simple equation. X equals you, and X also equals stupid.

20 - The entire contents of my new book "How to care for a Hamster" (spoiler alert!) "Put it in a box or something".

Yes, I'm Still Alive

2007-06-19T11:35:00.000-07:00

Movie making, it's tough...

Art of War; The Second Greatest Story Ever Told

2006-12-15T10:06:00.000-08:00

Well my beloved Buckites, work on the new film is coming along nicely. We have a production team, a budget, a great crew, and this promises to be the greatest film ever made.

It is called simply:

Art of War

What's this film about you ask? Well, first of all, that's kind of nosey. But secondly, it's about what DJ SHovel Pants has declared the most awesome thing ever.

Zombies.

But, being the genius that I am, I thought, "Don't get me wrong, Zombies are awesome, but there must be a way to improve on Zombies". So I began to think of all the adjectives that could be used to make the word Zombies even more awesome. And that's when I came up with the brilliant premise for this movie.

Alien Zombies.

This movie promises to be so awesome, it will cause you to spontaniously evacuate your bowels and blow a large hole in the back of your pants.

Here's the first promotional graphic I came up with for the film. I think you'll agree, it's the best promotional graphic the world has ever seen.

We've also created a myspace profile for the main character, Arthur DeGuerra, so make certain to add him as a friend if you're to be found over at myspace.

http://www.myspace.com/artofwarmovie

This is going to rule!

Amazing True Stories From the Life of Buck Williams

2006-12-14T10:58:00.000-08:00

I have realized of late that I am in a deep and loving relationship with you, my loving and adoring readers, and yet you know little to nothing about the glorious life that shaped the charming genius who now types before you.

So in an effort to help you understand the brilliance that is Buck Williams, I have decided to write a series of absolutely true life stories from the Journal of Buck Williams. Some would call it a diary, but diaries are for girls, so shut up!

When I was in high school, I worked at a movie theater. It was the sweetest job ever. I mostly worked the concession stand, which onvolved working for twenty or thirty minutes before the movie started, selling popcorn and candy, and then standing around for an hour and a half doing nothing until the next set of movies was going to start.

As an excessively lazy person, this job was an ideal fit for me. I would sit around, eat popcorn, drink pop, and take bets on how much of a full sized loaf of Herbert's and Gerbet's (a local sub shop) day old bread I could fit in my mouth at once.

But, sometimes things would be busy, and you'd have thirty people standing in line, talking loudly with bad breath (and likely gas to boot) wanting to stuff their fat faces with fat foods slathered in fake butter fat. It would be obnoxious, but a small price to pay for having the easiest job ever.

One particular evening, when the horrendous film "Titanic" was in the theater, we were extremely busy. While Titanic is arguably one of the worst pieces of film ever made, the film makers hit paydirt by appeal to the 13-16 year old girl, and 20-32 year old gay male demographic. We would see the same people go to two, or even three showings of the film in the same day.

Now, as I was working, this obnoxiously fat woman and her two ugly, also fat children (think a hippo with two babies attached to it's side) arrived at my stand. Now, I greeted her with a warm smile and asked her if I could help her, as per my training. She replied:

"Jesus Christ man! I've been in line for twenty minutes! That's rediculous! THis place has the worst service ever!"

I smiled, apologized, and asked what I could get her. She replied "Umm....I don't know yet, hang on" and she and her children proceded to argue about what they would order.

Now, I of course wanted to point out that had she been waiting in line for a half hour, maybe that would have been adequate time for her and her two fat children to decide what they wanted to order, but I didn't want to appear rude to this beached whale with two bean bags attached to her chest, so I simply smiled and waited. And waited. And waited as they argued.

"OK" she spat. "We'd like two large popcorns with extra butter and salt, three boxes of Junior Mints, three boxes of Milk Duds, three packages of Sour Patch Kids, and three large Cokes."

So, I started working, putting the popcorn in the bags.

"Don't pack it down like that you idiot!" she yelled on me as I was putting her popcorn into the bag. "I don't want to eat all crumbs. If that bag is filled with crumbs, I'm not going to pay for it!" I apologized, and kept working. I grabbed her boxes of candy as she began stuffing popcorn in her face. "Hey, don't bang those boxes around! What are you stupid? I don't want to eat mashed up Junior Mints! If they're mashed up I'm not paying for it!"

I started to fill her drinks, first with ice, to which she yelled (spitting flecks of half chewed popcorn all over the counter as she did) "Don't put to much ice in it! I know what you idiots do to try and rob us of more money! FIlling the pops with ice, so there's very little pop in it! God you people make me sick".

Now, I consider myself a patient man, but she was really pushing my limits. Insult after insult, yelling at me over and over and over. Finally I had everything ready, and rang her up. Of course, that much food at movie theater prices is going to be quite expensive. So when she saw the total was over $30.00, she once again began to yell at me about how I was a theif, a liar, an idiot, etc. At this point I was just sitting silently, taking her abuse, and waiting for her fat cheeks to stop flapping, so her sausage link fingers could hand me a greasy wad of cash, and she and her two marshmellow shaped children could go watch Leo Dicaprio drown.

Finally she handed me the money, and as I was getting her change, she took a sip of her pop. She then slammed it down on the counter, spilling it all over the napikin dispensor, the straws, and me, and yelled furiously:

"JESUS CHRIST YOU F&%$ING IDIOT! THIS IS REGULAR COKE YOU SH$%! I ASKED FOR DIET! WHAT, DO YOU THINK I WANT TO GET FAT?"

No something in the back of my large and intelligent brain snapped upon hearing this. After bearing the brunt of so many insults, and just smiling, my psyche couldn't take it any more, and before I could stop myself, my mouth opened, and the words came out:

"Well, don't you think it's a little late for that?"

We both stood there, stunned. I, trying to figure out what just happened, as my mouth seemingly operated independantly of my brain, she, unable to comprehend that someone had just called her fat to her face. Her giant head blanched an ugly red, and she very quietly said "What did you say to me?"

I stood there in silence, as behind me, all five of my coworkers left the concession booth to go to the hidden back room with the popcorn popper to burst into uncontrolled fits of laughter.

Fatty McBigHuge asked to see my manager. Luckily my manager had been within ear shot the entire time, and instead of siding with the horrible fat lady, sided with her employee and told the woman her abusive behavior was unnacceptable, that yes, what I had said was innappropriate, but throwing a pop at me could be construed as assault, and she would have to leave or my boss was going to call the police. So the giant beast waddled her way out of the theater, her face blushing a dark red as she continued to shout explatives and curses my way while her two miniature manitees followed in suit, one crying because she wasn't going to get to fantasize about Leo Decaprio feeding her a stick of butter wrapped in Bacon.

My boss told me I couldn't do that again, and then gave me two free movie tickets because what I said was one of the funniest things she'd ever heard. And that was the day I knew I'd never have a better job than working at that movie theater.

The End.

What's New Pussycat (Tom Jones Rocks My World)?

2006-11-30T10:29:00.000-08:00

Well Buckites, it's been awhile since I've updated regularly, but I'm getting back into the swing of things, I think. Who knows, I may end up going through another dry spell, but I promise, if that happens, I will at least lend you several of my favorite pornographic films and let you take a wiff of the large jar I've been collecting my farts in for the last three years for my latest performance art project called "The Smell Of America".

So what's new in the life of Buck you ask? (and if you didn't, well, you get to find out anyway).

Well, we've begun work on our next movie. This one promises to be bigger, better, and less inside joke filled than the Dungeons and Dragons movie, and by the looks of things, we'll be having a real budget. People seem to love the movie we made, and so we're patching together some money (and be "we" I mean "other people who aren't as lazy as I am") for some low brow special effects and lots of fake blood.

What's this new movie about you ask? (I'm sure you did, since everything I do is so endlessly fascinating)

Well, I don't want to spoil this project for you, my adoring fans, but I will give you two words which will tittilate (can anyone say that word without giggling? I can't! LOL!) and excited you to no end.

Alien Zombies.

That's right, this movie will involve, or currently does involve Alien Zombies. My logic was as follows. What is totally, undeniably, and completely awesome? Aliens! Now what's another world you could add to Aliens to make them even more awesome? Dildos? No. Alien Dildos has been waaaaay over done in Japan. Lime? No. No one needs flavored Aliens, and if they were flavored, Mango would be the way to go. So what then?

Zombies.

I am confident that this movie will be a contender for an academy award. It is going to be so great that movie theaters where it will be shown will need to hire extra janitors because faces will explode and oil will be squirted from anuses across America. It will be that great. So remember, bring a towel and poncho!

If you live in or around the Minneapolis Area and would like to be an extra in this film extravaganza, please feel free to shoot me an e-mail, so that I can verify you aren't going to be a crazy person intent on stabbing me in the face, and we can probably use your 733T skills on this project, which promises to be so awesome your pants will fall down and spontaniously burst into flames.

And lastly, since I've been in a pissy mood lately, here's a list of five things that have been bothering me lately.

#1 - Back Hair
I recently celebrated my 93 birthday, and with each passing year, my hair continues to migrate from the top of my head to my lower back and shoulders. God, I think I've found a serious design flaw in your program here. Luckily Mrs. Buck Williams is patient and loving enough to pluck (or tweeze) those hairs while she's back there popping my numerous and wheeping white heads (or backne if you prefer). Delicious!

#2 - Controvesial Movies
So I've been watching supposed "controversial art films" lately curtousy of netflix, and I have to say, they've been a disappointing lot. I have learned one important lesson though. Controversial does not mean good, it means gross. I've now seen three movies where a man eats a woman's mensus (or period juice as I like to call it) including a scene where a woman dips her used tampon in a glass of water like a tea bag, and she and her gay lover drink. Aside from being mildly nausiating, these movies have had one important element in common. They were all incredibly boring. In the Realm of the Senses, Anatomy of Hell, Romance, Baise Moi, Salo, Ichi the Killer, Cannibal Holocauste, all of them boring. I've seen some disturbing movies that are incredibly good (such as Irriversible, Tetsuo; Iron Man, Fat Girl, Happiness, or Audition), but these were just steaming piles of "Hey, let's see how gross an idea we can come up with and then film it forever". So my recomendation to all of you? Don't watch a movie because it's controversial, watch a movie because it's good.

#3 - The Minneapolis Mono-rail
DJ Shovel Pants once wrote a huge tangent about how much he hated the new light rail, and at the time I assumed that, like most of my friends, he simpy had "mental issues". While my opinion of his psychological capacity has not changed, I have recently come to understand exactly why he hates the monorail so much. It's pretty much because it's the worst thing ever, and has made my trip home take much longer than it should, as I have to choose between sitting at a red light for a half hour while the trains go by on their merry way, or drive fifteen minutes out of my way to bypass the stupid things. I hate you monorail! I HATE YOU!!!!

#4 - Dane Cook
I realize I risk inciting the wrath of my close friend and stunt butt extrordanaire Hoah Nager, but I have yet to find anything even remotely funny about Dane Cook and his stand up "comedy". While admittedly, he is a marketing genius, the guy is just not funny. He gesticulates wildly, and is very sincere in his delivery. You can tell he wants to make you laugh, but like a retarded monkey in a tutu, it seems like reaching for the banana of genuine humor is just beyond his limited capacity, and no one has the heart to tell him to just stop and go work in the food service industry. He just isn't funny, but he is great at selling his not funny routine as hilarious. DON'T FALL FOR IT PEOPLE! Dane Cook is the Carrot Top of the new decade.

#5 - People Named Randy
If there was ever a name that should be relegated to the world of the mentally disabled, it's Randy. So, for all you people named Randy out there, seriously, what the hell? It's because of you that Larry the Cable Guy has an audience. So knock it off!

Also, this just in: Daniel Johnston is a frickin' genius! I don't care what anyone says. He is awesome.

Holy Crap! A Buck Williams Movie?!?!?!

2006-11-20T08:36:00.000-08:00

That's right ladies and gentlemen, and Buckites.

Many have grumbled and complained about a lack of updates over the last few months. And yes, it is true, I have been neglecting my lovely audience.

But no more will you feel the sting of parental neglect. Your willingness to sacrifice for your beloved Buck is about to pay off.

BEHOLD THE GLORY THAT IS THE FIRST BUCK WILLIAMS MOVIE!!!!!

A few months back, Wizards of the Coast, the makers of Dungeons and Dragons the role playing game announced a fan film contest. Five minutes maximum, you had to make a movie themes around Dungeons and Dragons. Being the complete nerd that I am, I figured me and my friends, a talented group of individuals if there ever was one, should try their hand. And so, Buck set about writing a script.

After the filming, writing, editting, directing, acting, and everything else was completed, we had a 34 minute brilliant film on our hands, a fake documentary, or "mockumentary" if you will (I just made that up now, feel free to use it if you'd like, since it's so incredibly clever) about a group of nerds who play Dungeons and Dragons. It is hilarious.

And before you ask, I'm sorry to dissappoint ladies, Buck Williams is strictly behind the camera this time, so no full frontal nudity. Perhaps next time.

The film, being 34 minutes in length, had to be sectioned into four smaller, shorter episodes, thanks to youtube being completely wanky.

So, without further ado, I present Parts 1-4 of the grand epic film, the soon to be masterpiece "The Dungeons and Dragons Movie; A DM's Last Dance" for your enjoyment.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

The Best Devil Ever

2006-11-17T15:47:00.000-08:00

The devil, Beazelbub, Mephistopheles, John Lithgow, Satan, El Diablo, the egnimatic figure which encompass all human fear and delight in the pleasure of the flesh goes by many names. Often times a sympathetic figure, but usually one to be feared, he has been shown as a creepy pervert with a barbed goatee, to a hot chick in a red bikini. The devil, what a guy. Also, Jack Chick really likes him.

Thus, in honor of my good friends Boo and Satan, I've decided to run an article discussing the five best devil's in the history of film.

Also, you should visit this website: http://kevan.org/brain.cgi?Buck%20Williams

And so, without further ado, we have the 5 best Satans of all time.

#5 - Max Von Sydow - Needful Things

Don't get me wrong, I frickin' hate Steven King more than I hate my wife, and I'd rather kick a retarded puppy than read one of his books. But every once in awhile some film maker will take his 500,000 page long books, and distill it down to something that is actually good. In this case, Max Von Sydow (aka the old priest from the original exorcist who rules) plays the devil, and man, he is delightfully creepy as the old corrupter of mankind. Key scene, when he laughs dryly with his hands crossed. Awesome!

#4 - Peter Stormare - Constantine

Better known to me as "Jeff" from the movie "Dancer In the Dark" (awesome movie), Peter Stormare saves what is otherwise an unremarkable movie with Keanu Reeves squinting in a futile attempt to refrain from saying "dude" three hundred times. Sadly, he only appears at the very end of the film, and as such, you have to suffer through three hours of terrible acting and dialogue to get to the good stuff. My advice? Read the comic books (which are excellent), and then watch the last fifteen minutes of the movie. Once you know the story, trust me, you aren't missing anything in the first two hours.

#3 - Elizabeth Hurley - Bedazzled

I don't really like this movie, nor do I particularly care for Elizabeth Hurley, other than as eye candy in Austin Powers, but I knew if I didn't have at least one chick devil on here, all the feminists of the world would unite to form one giant feminist known as "Super-Vagina-Time-Girl" who would perpetually be visiting the Red Roof Inn (if you catch my drift), and frankly, that's not something any of us would like to see. Plus then all of the world's wife beater wearing white dudes would have to unite to form "The Buttplug Stain", and the battle between these two titans would likely leave Los Angeles in ruins. So to avoid that whole mess, here's your token chick. Congratulations Elizabeth Hurley, I don't like you.

#2 - Tim Curry - Legend

This was a touch call. Legend was one of the four awesomest movies I was raised on (along with Labyrinth, The Dark Crystal, and The Secret of NIMH), and so has always had a special place in my heart. Plus, Tim Curry was just awesome, and the fact that he pulled off this role shortly before playing the uptight hyperactivity Butler in the excellent film "Clue" is even more astonishing. tim Curry rules. He's so good in this movie, it makes me willing to look past his part in The Rocky Horror Picture show, a movie so terrible they can only show it at night to a group of people who were obviously not loved as children.

#1 - Viggo Mortensen - The Prophecy

Dang Mang! Viggo, you are awesome. I have never been so thoroughly creeped out by a Satan as I was when Viggo said "I love you more than Jesus does" in this movie. Holy Crap! Plus, this movie is just plain awesome. Christopher Walken as Gabriel rebelling against god? It's frickin' sweet. I haven't seen the sequels, and I've heard they're terrible, but I probably will anyway just because this movie is so awesome, I can't stop myself. Sometimes it's really hard to be so nerdy, but someone has to.

And for those who are interested, the award for "Worst Satan Ever In A Film" is actually a tie between two of the worlds most overrated actors.

Robert DeNiro - Angel Heart
and
Al Pacino - The Devil's Advocate

I hate these guys, and they even manage to make one of the most intriguing mythological people, i.e. the devil, completely and totally boring. DeNiro just doesn't even try anymore, he plays himself in every damn movie with that annoying smug half smile under his giant beak of a nose, and Pacino overact so badly Ed Wood allegedly said "Geez dude, have you ever heard of subtlety?"

DeNiro and Pacino, I hope you choke on a transvestite's balls. But that's a post for another day...

Wow. Best Week in Entertainment Ever...

2006-11-15T11:29:00.000-08:00

Hello devoted fans and faithful Mother Buckers.

Well, i know I've been lax in the update department. It's really your fault though. For not...uh....being more attractive. Or something.

Anyway, there have been some major updates in the entertainment department, that I just couldn't resist commenting on. It motivated even my lazy butt to stop listening to the newest Sparklehorse album, and actually write something. So here we go, things that have been in the news. For some reason.

#1 - Buck Williams Is Psychic (or The Brittany Spears Sex Tape Scandal)

That's right ladies and gentlemen. You read it here first. My prediction that was made seven years ago, and has been reiterrated time and time again is about to come true. Brittany Spears's ex husband, Kevin Federlein (or as I like to cleverly call him, Fed Ex! HA! I'M A SATIRICAL GENIUS!) is threatening to sell a four hour sex tape the plastic couple made on their honeymoon.

Now normally, I'm pretty uninterested in any adult videos that don't involve at least three clwons and a circus midget, but as I read the rabid press releases, I came across the gem of gems as far as quotes go.

A source said: "They were in the honeymoon stages of their relationship and did nothing all day but have sex and play chess. Britney didn't think twice about making the video, she believe their love would last.

Right. Brittney and her husband play chess. If you're going to lie, you should at least make it plausible, like they were playing chutes and ladders or Uno. But we all know what they were really doing. Attending Monster Truck Rallies, drinking alcohol, and passign copious amounts of gas. Just looking at this couple, you know their the type who think it's really funny to shut all the windows in the room, turn the heat up, and then deliver a fatal dutch oven. Honestly, does anyone in the world believe Brittany has the mental capacity to grasp how chess is even played? Maybe they were playing checkers, and thought it was chess because the board is so similar.

#2 - O.J. Simpson is an incredibly unaware person

Now, I'm not saying O.J. Simpson is guilty (he is by the way), but let's throw up a hypothetical situation. If you were falsley accused of murdering two people, your ex-wife and her alledged lover, and were found not guilty in the trial of the century, I think one of the top items on your list of "Things Not To Do" would be "Write a book about how I would have committed the murders of the two people I was accused of murdering".

But apparently that's not on O.J. Simpson's list. And what's more, he's going to be giving an interview to Fox (the parent company of Fox News, you know, the group that represents the "moral majority" who would never exploit murder, human suffering, or the evils of a decadent America for ratings), to discuss in depth the differences between the actual murder of his ex wife, and how he would have done it if he were to have murdered her.

What?

#3 - Madonna Finds The Latest Trend To Rip Off.....Adoption

Yes, America's favorite middle aged harlot has once again managed to smell a soon to be popular celebrity trend, adopting a child from an impoverished third world country, and has decided to jump on the bandwagon before it becomes to crowded with the likes of Eva Longoria and Christina Aguilera.

Finding her bossoms sagging (she looks like someone stappled two plastic baggies filled with mayonaise to her chest), and her sex appeal wanning (is there anyone left for her to shock by showing off her wrinkled muffin to?), she's decided to try her hand at the humanitarian aspect of things. The only difference between her and Angelina Jolie? No one likes Madonna, and trusting her with your children is like sending a pantsless six year old boy on a cruise down the Vatican River. You just know that kid is going to end up in heavy therapy for the next fifty years.

#4 - Tom Cruise is still famous for some reason

Yes, it's true. Despite repeated public melt downs, erratic behavior, and having a huge nose, for some reason people still care about what Tom Cruise is doing. God knows why. He was awesome in Legend and Top Gun. Everything else since then has been mediocre at best.

Tom Cruise, please give it a rest.

Oh, and apparently there was some sort of election or something in the U.S. I'm not to sure. I wasn't paying close attention, and there was barely any media coverage.

Updates?

2006-11-02T08:43:00.000-08:00

Give me an "UP"!

UP!

Give me a "DATE"

NO! YOU ARE UGLY AND COULD LOSE A FEW POUNDS!!!

Updates coming soon. I promise.

Buck Williams' Superb Parenting Tips

2006-10-17T15:51:00.000-07:00

Several of Buck Williams' lamer friends have offspring, he has decided to gift them with his wisdom on the correct way to rear your litter.

So without further ado, Buck Williams' Presents his 10 Rules of raising your children.

10 - The number one joy of having an infant is wherever you go, you'll always have a scapegoat for your nasty farts.

9 - No matter how tempting it is, never, ever, ever, ever tell the following joke at your PTA meetings:

Q:What do you get when you put a baby in a blender?
A: An Erection

8 - There's no need to change your child's diaper every time they soil themselves. Just make sure you do it right before the social workers stop by.

7 - When your child grows up, if you want to avoid them having promiscous sex make sure you instill a deep sense of shame. Try making fun of their genitals starting at age four.

6 - Hitting never hurt anyone.

5 - When your child is in elementary school, and inevitably gets into an arguement with one of her classmates about who's father could beat up whose, tell her the correct comeback is "Well my father could hire someone to beat up your Dad. Because you're too poor to afford health care!"

4 - Your children already know you love them, so don't let them get inflated egos by telling them. It is assumed.

3 - Children always think they are right all the time. Your job is to remind them of all the ways they could improve. If you're not actively being critical of your child, then you don't really love them.

2 - Parenting is one of the easiest things in the world. If you are frustrated, or having a difficult time, it means there is something wrong with you.

1 - Remember, drop your infant on it's head once, it's a tragedy. Drop your infant on it's head twice, and it's a comedy.

Which Celebrities Do I Look Like?

2006-09-21T08:38:00.000-07:00

With a special thanks to DJ Shovelpants for sending me to this website...

That Adam West is a handsome man. Does that make me Batman?

And who the hell is Cristiano Ronaldo? I think I should e-mail him and tell him he looks like me. I bet we'd become best friends forever (B.F.F.s). It only makes sense, since we're practically twins.

The 10 Worst Movies I’ve Seen

2006-09-19T15:44:00.000-07:00

#10 - Sleepless Got Mail From Seattle

Two movies which are essentially the same, starring Tom "I can't believe he won an oscar" Hanks, and Meg "my cutesy charm isn't enough anymore" Ryan, if you've seen one, you've seen both. But for those who haven't seen them, I'll give you a plot synopsis. Tom Hanks is single, and doesn't like it. He has a kid, or a dog, depending. Meg Ryan is a strong willed cute girl who is also longing for a relationship. After several wacky misunderstandings and touching moments involving friends or parents, they start dating. The end.

Also, have you seen Meg Ryan lately? She has so much cologen injected into her lips that when she smiles I'm worried one of her lips is going to pop.

#9 - The Sound of Music

After several hours of annoying songs and bad dancing, coupled with terribly trite acting, this movie put me in the uncomfortable situation of cheering for the Nazi, hoping they will come through and send the Von Tramp family away on one of those trains from Schindler's List.

#8 - Crossroads

Britney Spears. Need I say more? Probably not, but I will anyway. First of all, if you're going to have one of the characters in the movie be an aspiring singer, please make sure to cast someone who does not have an annoying lisp (or is it lithp? Who was the cruel person who put the letter "s" in the word "lisp"?). And despite the gratuitous "Britney Spears dancing around in her underwear" scene, this movie has no redeeming qualities.

#7 - Godzilla (the remake)

No one in the world anticipated the release of this movie more than I did. Having seen 23 Godzilla movies in my lifetime (the best being Godzilla vs. MechaGodzilla), I love this video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3o2dboIhGw) and even once had a promotional poster for Godzilla 1984 on my bedroom door for roughly 19 years, I figured this movie would be nothing short of awesome. Boy was I wrong. So very wrong.

First of all, Matthew Broderick? Matthew frickin' Broderick?!?!?! Are you kidding me? All you had to do was film the same exact story of Godzilla (i.e. a giant lizard either knocks down a bunch of buildings or fights another giant monster), while humans look on. Instead we got a crappy movie, with a really long scene that ripped off the velociraptors from Jurrasic Park. LAAAAME! I have never been so disappointed in a movie in my whole life.

#6 - Dirty Dancing

Patrick Swayze, in probably his least convincing attempt to act like a heterosexual male, is the bad boy dancer in this movie. That's right. The "bad boy dancer". I hate to break it to the producers of this film, but "bad boys" don't dance. They don't leap, they don't bound, and they certainly don't "shake their groove thing". This movie is terrible.

#5 - Armageddon

You know, once again, this movie made me cheer for something that was threatening to wipe out humanity. Even Steve Buscemi and Billy Bob Thorton couldn't save this pile of crap. Bruce Willis did what Bruce Willis does (i.e. playing a recovering alcoholic with facial stubble who looks perpetually hung over), but Ben Affleck made this movie crash and burn like the Hindenburg. When the thought "my god, humanity could be wiped out" entered my mind, it was immediatly followed by "eh...maybe that wouldn't be so bad".

#4 - Star Wars (Episodes 1 - 3)

I think I've covered extensively my hatred for George Lucas and his new Star Wars movies. but let's go over it again, shall we? Boring plot. Terrible writing. Bad special effects. Uninteresting characters. Crappy acting (even from great actors like Liam Neison, Natalie Portman, and Ewan McGregor), and explanations that are so stupid, if these are accepted as Star Wars canon, they retroactively ruin the first three films from the 70's. Seriosuly. Microbes in your blood make you feel the force? One hundred kinds of no!!! LAAAAAAAAME!!!!!!

#3 - Plan 9 From Outer Space

This is the only movie on the list that I would recommend everyone watch. Written and Directed by the world famous autier of bad cinema Ed Wood, this movie sucks so bad it's funny. The main villian was played by Bela Lugosi for the first few days of filming, before he died. He was then replaced by a man at least a foot taller, and who looked nothing like Bela Legosi (I believe the replacement was Ed Wood's dentist). See if you can notice the subtle difference.

The plot? Well, there isn't much of one, but basically mankind is very close to developing a technology known as "Solarbanite" (no, I'm not making that up), an explosive substance more poweful than anything that blows up light, and will cause a chain reaction which will destroy the universe. So naturally, aliens, who look just like humans, come to earth and raise three zombies (one of whom has nice boobs) to make us stop. That's about it.

This movie also contains such classic one liners as:

"There's been a murder committed here, and somebodies responsible"

"Remember, future events, will effect us, in the future"

and my personal favorite:

"You fool! You are stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!"

#2 - Titanic

Holy Crap this movie sucks! I was working at a movie theater when this came out, and the throngs of crying teen age girls were so annoying the employees of our theater all made a pact to never see this movie. I was the second to the last one to finally see it, seven years after it came out. And it was terrible. The only good part was watching a frozen Leonardo DiCaprio sink slowly into the abyss of cold water. That part I highly recommend to everyone.

#1 - Battlefield Earth

From the terrible acting to the terrible script, no movie in history has ever come close to the depths of awfulness this movie has attained. There simply is nothing out there like it, other than the myriad movies and T.V. shows it obviously ripped off (can anyone say "Klingons"?). Usually when a movie is bad, you end up cheering for the bad guys to win (see The Sound of Music), but in this case, it's a toss up for which faction is more annoying. Honestly I was hoping the Cylons would come through and kill them all.

Using subtle symbolism (L. Ron Hubbard, author of the novel and founder of Scientology hates psychology, so the evil alien race are called the "Psychlos" from the planet "Psychlon". No, I'm not kidding) Travolta and crew created a film so ludicrious that even Carrot Top said "This sucks worse than me!"

And for anyone who is a John Travolta fan, be warned, this movie is total and utter crap, including his performance as the lead villian, Terl. A close friend who watched this with me, who loves Travolta (god knows why) was heard to say "But he was so good in pulp fiction!" no less than 327 times. I know. I counted.

This movie is awful. Everyone should experience it at least once. it will make you appreciate the recent string of films The Rock has starred in.

Jack Chick Is a Tool! Part 3

2006-09-12T14:52:00.000-07:00

More religious bigotry from our favorite website, www.chick.com

Worst Wedding Present Ever!

Remind me not to invite this guy to my wedding. What a dick!

Satan, creator of the low grade condom! I think Trojan needs to do a product tie in with this comic: Remeber Christian ladies, if you get pregnant by not using one of our high quality condoms, it's Satan's fault!

Clue #1 that Jack Chick has never played Dungeons and Dragons: No where, in the entire universe, have four girls ever played Dungeons and Dragons, much less four girls in the same room.

God Damned Science, always brain washing people with it's stupid "facts"!

They also made a movie out of Godzilla. Does this mean Godzilla is real? More importantly, has anyone told Japan? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! SOMEBODY WARN JAPAN!!!!

How exactly will a love spell take down Uncle Bob? If the worst gun in your arsenal is fodder for romantic comedies starring Julia Roberts, it's super villian life reavaluation time.

All I know, is I want to get the job of being the Angel who gives the missionaries of the world the ol' heave-ho into hell. Damn that looks like a fun job.

Jack Chick Is a Tool! Part 2

2006-09-12T14:41:00.000-07:00

Yup. here's some more delicious religious vignettes from www.chick.com

Oh God No! THE MORMONS!!!!!

Careful, they have jello and boring anecdotes!

If my parents named me Buck "No Fear" Williams, and then forced me to wear "No Fear" t-shirts all the time, I'd probably kill myself to.

Thanks Bob! Can we have one God damned conversation where you don't compare the weather to Noah's Flood?

Important Life Lesson #2 - God is creepy and will send an angel to video tape your illicit sexual affair. Coming soon from Hot Heaven Porn Productions: Forbidden Love.

The real question is; Why the angel is shouting "terrible"? Is the lighting off, or is the acting poor? I bet the answer's somewhere in the Bible.

If one of my prostitutes was this ugly, I'd probaqbly beat her to.

Now Resuming Regular Broadcast Hours; Thanks For Your Patience!

2006-09-12T13:44:00.000-07:00

So I recently converted to become a Born Again Christian?

Why?

It's all thanks to Jack Chick, and is wonderful website www.chick.com

I stumbled across the website, looking for something completely different (and considered suing for false advertising), but was delighted to find a plethora of nice little comics which thankfully, pointed out the errors of my ways. In case you're wondering, anyone who isn't Jack Chick is going to hell. So all of you "arabs" and "scientologists" and "mormons" and "catholics" and "wiccans" and "buddhists" and "arabs" and "jehovah's witnesses" and "atheists" and "arabs' (did I mention arabs, because he really hates arabs. God, not Jack Chick.) are all going to hell. So please, read the appropriate tract, and convert today! (especially all of you freaks who believe the dinosaurs died out millions of years ago! Some people will believe anything if it's backed up by hard science!)

For your veiwing pleasure, I'm inculding some of my favorite moments from the tracts in a three part series entitled:

JACK CHICK IS A TOOL!!!

Part 1

Quick! To the Rita-Jones-Mobile! Now if only we could figure out where Satan's Headquarters is located (hint: check the old abandoned warehouse run by old man Higgins)

So a band signs a contract with the devil, and the best lyrics his devilish powers can summon are "We're gonna Rock with the Rock"? Apparently either the devil is working in dadist absurdism, or he's a really crappy poet.

Important Life Lesson #1 - If you see the Grim Reaper, run away, because he might throw giant sperm at you.

Who knew that when you excersized a demon, it made the same sound that shooting your gun in Arkanoids did. Thanks for cheaping out on the sound effects Satan! How....evil?

All things being equal, that's a pretty crappy going away present. Note to all murders, if you are going to kill me, I'd really like a gift certificate to Best Buy, not some tacky purse.

We Are Temporarily Out of Service

2006-07-26T13:47:00.000-07:00

We will resume regular broadcasting hours soon enough. Please be patient.

Justin Timberlake is a Tool

2006-07-11T20:48:00.000-07:00

I'm Super Gay! YES!!!

This just in: Justin Timberlake is not only a talentless hack, but he's a pretentious talentless hack. In a recent interview about his latest album, he had the following to say:

"I realise that I have a platform to push the sound of pop music. That's the only responsibility that I put on myself in recording the album."

and:

"The best way I can describe that song is say David Bowie and David Byrne decided to do a cover of James Brown's Sex Machine."

Well, I wasn't about to let this crap fly. I mean, for the love of crumb cake, this guys comparing himself to two of histories most influential rock musicians. So, all of ushere at "We're Right and You're Wrong" have managed to pin down Justin Timberlake for a special, exclusive interview

Buck: Hello Justy. Can I call you Justy?

JT: No, you can't.

Buck: OK, so Justy, tell me, what were you thinking when you claimed to sound like David Bowie and David Byrne?

JT: It's actually Justin. Here's the thing Buck, I'm trying to do something, to make a sound unlike anything anyone has ever heard before. It's not just Pop music, it's something more than that.

Buck: Really? See, cause I always thought you sounded like Michael Jackson.

JT: Oh no. Michael is the King of Pop. I think that you guys definitely want a new king of pop, you definitely want one and I'm probably not the only one who you might be thinking of. I don't want it. I want to do what I do. (sadly, this is an actual quote from JT)

Buck: If you say so. OK, so here's my favorite song of yours, please undulge me while I play a bit of it (plays 30 seconds of the song Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough by Michael Jackson).

JT: Yea, I dig this tune. It's pretty hot. Timbaland is an amazing producer.

Buck: Justy, that was a Michael Jackson song. Are you telling me you can't even tell the difference between your music and his?

JT: ...

Buck: Seriously. I would like a response.

JT: Aw Dawg, I was just playin' with you. Seriosuly man, we's cool. We's cool (holds out hand for high five).

Buck: (Leans in closely) Um...you are aware that you're a white suburban kid, right?

JT: ...

Buck: Alright, moving on, there are rumors that your relationship with Cameron Diaz might be on the rocks. So I'd like to ask you the question that's on the mind of all your fans everywhere. What's it like to date someone who can fit an entire cantaloupe into her gigantic disgusting mouth?

JT: Cameron is amazing. She's just an amazing girl. We have a lot of fun together.

Buck: So it doesn't bother you that she looks like the newest muppet that has AIDs?

JT: I think she's beautiful.

Buck: Proving once again that you have terrible taste in everything. Thank you for your time Justy.

JT: Your welcome Buck. It's been an honor and a priveledge, because you are so awesome, and have huge testicles.

Buck: Please stop looking at my groin.

JT: ...

Myspace Is Filled With Clinically Insane People

2006-07-07T15:10:00.000-07:00

My apologies for my absence, as I've been quite busy doing many important things, like eating peanut butter and masturbating to the latest copy of the Sears Catalogue underwear section. But I digress...

As many of you know, I recently made the jump from Blogger to Myspace in order to garner more adoring fans and expand my reader base. Part of my campaign of terror involved me randomly adding random people as friends. Many were skeptic, many joined the growing Buck Army, and many simply ignored me. There was one, however, who responded in a very curious way. Her Myspace name is Cream Cheese.

From: cream cheese
Date: May 2, 2006 4:32 PM

is this riordan again? who is this?

Not wanting to confuse this young lass, I responded in an attempt to distance myself from this Riordan person, who I am clearly not.

From: Buck Williams
Date: May 2, 2006 7:45 PM

Hmmmm....I'm not sure who riordan is, but he is most certainly not me.

My name is Buck Williams, and I am the coolest, most charming, handsomest, most muscular, funny, most charming, coolest, least nerdy, (did I say most charming), and humblest person you will ever meet.

I saw you're profile rather randomly, and you seemed cool enough to make my list of cool people.

I also have a wiener dog named Hubert Cumberdale the 3rd.

And I have a really nice haircut. Which is important. And also one of the main reasons I'm so great.

So I invited you to be my friend. You don't have to.

I'm just so lonely.

So....cold.......and....lonely......

Your Best Friend and Mine,
Buck Williams

Witty, clever, hilarious, bearing all the trademarks of Buck Williams' finest work. She responded:

From: cream cheese
Date: May 2, 2006 5:14 PM

this is definitely riordan. fuck you.

I was shocked. Not only was she unconvinced of my Non-Riordan status, but then she used a naughty word. How dare she! But it gets even more confusing. She then put a comment up on my Blog that was jokey and playful. So I replied:

From: Buck Williams
Date: May 3, 2006 1:22 AM

OK, now I'm just confused.

you swear at me and accuse me of being some dude I'm not, which is cool, but confusing. And you don't really seem fond of the fella.

But then you comment on me blog, which was quite funny, in a friendly sort of manner.

Hence, my all confused.

But proud to be your friend?

By the way, if you still think I'm that person that I'm not, you can visit my old blog that I still maintain, that dates back over a year.

www.buckwilliams.blogspot.com

Perhaps this will convince you of my not being that one guy. Reardon or whatever?

Buck Williams

There, case closed. Definative proof that I am not one and the same as this other person, and I don't deserve to be sworn at. The only way she could explain away the fact that I've had a blog for years now is that this Riordan fella is so obsessive and desiring to lie to her, that he would maintain a blog for a lengthy period of time, just to make the hop to Myspace so he could harrass this girl anonymously. That would be pretty rediculous, right? Right?....sigh.....

From: cream cheese
Date: May 3, 2006 7:31 AM

dude, give it up.

So I did. I gave up. There was obviously no convincing this girl that I'm not Riordan, so I responded.

From: Buck Williams
Date: May 3, 2006 11:49 AM

OK, you've got me. I'm riordan. And I secretly am in love with you, and stalking you.

So are you still seeing that one guy?

Nice and vague. I figured if I was going to be accused of being someone I'm not, I might as well have fun with it. But I had no idea that this girl was totally and completely insane.

From: cream cheese
Date: May 3, 2006 9:47 AM

you are not secretly in love with me. and i think its kind of lame that you imagine that when you write the word 'love,' my ovaries will wurl into a fury and i'll pay super extra attention to you. come on. i met you for like and hour and a half, and we didn't really even have a conversation. you drank scotch while your friend paid for my beers (not that it matters) and you opened up a black umbrella like 8 times at a bar in brooklyn. there is no possible way.

i'm satisfied to be your friend. i hope you are satisfied to be mine. i think you're a special little bird and sometimes really funny.

i'm not 'seeing' anyone but i'm kind of getting over something. not that it matters, buddy.

I must have laughed for five days straight about this e-mail. Seriously. Opened a black umbrella like 8 times at a bar in brooklyn. I couldn't make up something that funny.

From: Buck Williams
Date: May 4, 2006 8:53 AM

Yes but it was the best hour and a half of my life. Plus, you know, I really like scotch. And black umbrellas. You're just lucky I didn't have my pink Hello Kitty umbrella with me. Then you would have seen quite a show. Me and Mike do this awesome little song and dance number. We thought about trying out for vaudeville, but then we realized we weren't gay enough (and believe me, we tried. Oh how we tried!)

But friends it is then.

She didn't respond right away, so I decided it was time to continue the action:

From: Buck Williams
Date: May 8, 2006 12:10 PM

Will you marry me, and have my beautiful looking children?

She did reply to this one. Again, completely randomly.

From: cream cheese
Date: May 8, 2006 11:32 AM

i just got the job as a private investigator for vincent parco. they are filming a reality show in the office. i told them i needed a week, so i start on monday.

i was interviewed for 2 hours, was fingerprinted and had a criminal background check done. i told them i had been arrested, and they told me it didn't matter.

all in all it looks like it's going to be a sketchy job. i told my mother, and all she said was "so you're going to tattle on people for free," because i got hired as an 'intern'. vinny said, 'i throw you some money. i dont like people working for free. i'm not a cheaps skate," so i dont know how long i'm going to be working for free. hopefully not long.

anyway, buck, you should figure out something else to say to me that doesn't involve the words 'marry' or 'love' because as i have said before, we really dont know eachother as any more than casual aquaintances, and i would rather have some whimsical rior-er- buck read my occasional fiction and offer me condescending criticism than pretend to 'foster a relationship over the internet'.

What the hell? OK. But it just gets better.

From: Buck Williams
Date: May 9, 2006 5:36 PM

OK, OK, no more illicit love affair requests. Just know the offer stands.

So, what were you arrested for? I was arrested once, for public nudity and drunkeness. Pretty much everyone in Brooklyn has now seen my Gene Roddenberry, if you know what I mean (I mean my penis).

Bucky

And better...

From: cream cheese
Date: May 9, 2006 11:25 PM

aren't you into blondes?

i did my research and found out vincent parco claime de fame was being called to the witness stand during a trial in which he purchased a gun and a silencer in jersey for a woman who used it to kill her husband's lover.
so i'm not taking the job.
i have enough negative energy around me, and seeing that your a god damn hippy, like my brother, you would understand that terminology. you, know, the sketchy 'vibes' and all. so that's all folks.

next update tommorow.

And better...

From: Buck Williams
Date: May 12, 2006 11:51 AM

Blondes, Brunettes, Red Heads, Baldies, I'm into pretty much whatever. Being an old wrinkly man tends to cut down on the amount of ladies who are interested.

Not to mention the weird black umbrella fetish we both know I have.

That's too bad you're not taking the job, because it sounds entertaining for someone with your special abilities.

Have you considered working with the government? I was once offered a job with the CIA, but then they said in order to qualify they would have to implant a chip in my cerebelum, and frankly, that wasn't soemthing I was interested in. It's bad enough they monitor my brain waves using subsonic frequencies, and send my strang emessages through my microwave.

So, you avoided my question. Why where you arrested? I'm interested in the gritty details.

Buck "Riordan" Williams

I was genuinely intrigued. Why would someone as obviously stable as Cream Cheese get arrested?

From: cream cheese
Date: May 12, 2006 11:53 AM

drunk and disorderly.

Oh. I guess that's not that suprising.

From: Buck Williams
Date: May 12, 2006 3:01 PM

I have a really hard time imagining you being drunk and disorderly. You seem sober and sane to me.

I was arrested for trying to smuggle a hamburger across the border. Apparently there's a law against shoving meat products in orfices other than your mouth while crossing international boundries. It's one of those obscure laws they don't really tell you about.

Thanks for nothing, 9th grade american civics class! I still haven't used parlimantary procedure.

So, since you'r eobviously not interested in any hot Rioradan action, are there any cute boys who you're interested in passing notes that say:

Do you like me? Check one:

_ Yes
_ No
_ Maybe

Man I am so charming. How can she resist my wiles? She must either have willpower made of iron, or she's a lesbian. That's the only explanation I can come up with (and even lesbians think I'm hot).

From: cream cheese
Date: May 13, 2006 9:18 AM

sober and sane? i'll take that. your were too busy showboating and i didn't drink enough to let my very- interested-girl- face- fall back personality delequesce into comfortable and obnoxious. i also had no money and had to work the next day. AND the day before i was out very heavily with the boys.

are you seriously asking me if i'm interested in another guy? hmmmmm. why would you be baiting me for this information... what use could it be to you?

on the other hand, i would like to hear about riordian sexcapades, but that's only because i generally enjoy hearing about everybody's life. but for you... oh, for you my friend, there has got to be reasons and risks.

yeah. i'm involved in a way too complicated mess. and being too complicated is very feminine, and i'm not into guys who are too much like cats, reow! so it will probably fade provided i dont bump into him anymore.

now tell me about the fluffy headed animals you've been coaxing to bed with you.

Things got even more surreal after this e-mail. The real Riordan, or Meadow Bastard as he likes to call himself, began commenting on my blog. He was upset that I was pretending to be him, as he didn't want people to think he was smart, attractive, good looking, and wanted by thousands of women. I'm not sure why, but apparently some people don't want to be Buck Williams (I think they have treatments for those kinds of disorders). So, naturally, I e-mailed him the whole story. His response was:

From: meadow bastard
Date: May 19, 2006 8:58 AM

dude, this is the funniest thing i've ever read in my life.

im blogging it right now.

He did blog about it. He mentioned that part of the reason why it is so funny, is that I mentioned my fictitious friend Mike (just something random I made up, like I tend to do), and it turns out in real life, his best friend is named Mike. Just adding to the realism of my claim that I am Riordan the All Powerful. He then, for some reason, took the blog entry down. Oh well...

I then got bored with the whole thing and kind of forgot about it, so I haven't heard from either of them since. Which is to bad, because I was really enjoying being someone else for awhile.

I hope you all have enjoyed this moment of random boobery and weirdness, brought to you courtesy of www.myspace.com!

George Washinton Carver

2006-06-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

Agricultural Chemist who lived from 1864 to 1943. For some inexplicable reason, suffered from a bizarre obsession with the peanut, discovering over 300 uses for said nut, and several hundred more uses for sweet potatos, pecans, and soybeans, including peanut butter, oil, adhesives, axle grease, bleach, buttermilk, chili sauce, fuel briquettes, ink, instant coffee, linoleum, mayonaise, meat tenderizer, metal polish, paper, plastic, pavement, shaving cream, shoe polish, synthetic rubber, talcum powder and wood stain.

Also, a noted civil rights figure and hero. One of the first african americans to receive a national monument in his honor in 1943, dedicated by then President Franklin Delanoor Roosevelt. The epitaph reads:

"He could have added fortune to fame, but caring for neither, he found happiness and honor in being helpful to the world."

Also worked at the Tuskegee Normal and Industrial Institute for Negroes, along with it's founder, Booker T. Washington.

Frequently mixed up by elemntary school children with our first president, regular George Washington, which has led to some of the best history reports in existence.

Hot or not?

For Your Safety

2006-06-19T08:43:00.000-07:00

The government has provided easy to follow instructions on what to do in the case of a terrorist attack.

Please memorize the following safety standards, and you will have nothing to worry about when we are nuked back to the stoneage by Iran/Iraq/Al-Queda/North Korea.

http://www.safenow.org/

Monday Fun Facts: 6/5

2006-06-05T13:34:00.000-07:00

A Collection of Wisdom, Truth, and Interesting Factoids that are all 100% true.

#1 - The best internet acronym (such as LOL, ROFLMAO, etc.) is LSHIFOTFATF, which means "Laughing So Hard I Fell On The Floor And Then Farted".

#2 - The quickest way to get an “F” on a report for school is to print it using the “wingdings” font.

#3 - The worst person in the world you could ever become, is the annoying hipster girl at the coffee shop with the Elvis Costello tattoo.

#4 - Question: Where can you find a banana, a half a dead lobster, three pounds of gristle, a broken record player, three shredded stuffed animals, a cooler filled with empty Mountain Dew cans, some shoe laces, a butcher knife, four broken rubber bands, a donkey covered in flies, a ukulele, and four blue marbles?
Answer: Inside Beck’s head.

#5 – When driving at night, I often wonder if people in SUV’s think “My Sports Utility Vehicle has extra bright lights so when I drive behind you they will blind you to let you know there is a car there, it is safety at work”.

#6 – Scientists recently discovered that whoever the jerk was that invented POWER SAVE MODE should be forced to wait for photocopiers to warm up for all of eternity.

#7 – My Professor in graduate school told me I should have written my physics thesis on discovering myself some friends.

#8 – When a CD starts skipping, I can’t help but think it sounds like an Aphex Twin remix, only less annoying.

#9 – This year, they were going to give the Nobel Prize to that guy who cured some weird and horrible disease, but instead they decided to put the money to good use, and investigate why someone hasn’t murdered that watermelon smashing comedian guy who isn’t funny at all.

#10 – Roasted Marshmallows taste 90% better when roasted over a garbage fire.

#11 – I was considering writing a comic book based on my life, but I realized my arch nemesis “Guy who steals annoying catchphrases and repeats them all day at work” just wasn’t catchy enough.

#12 – To the waiter I had the other evening, if you thought “Hey, by being surly, I will let my customer know I am having a bad day, and surely they will tip me more than usual”, I just want you to know that your little plan backfired.

#13 – If I was a super hero, my super power would be the ability to not move my lips while reading something to myself. Also, I am capable of staying in bed longer than any mortal man.

#14 – Two philosophical questions about medicine: If medicine is supposed to make me feel better, why does it taste so terrible, and if it’s supposed to relieve pain, why does opening the bottle make my hand hurt?

#15 – Most of the hipster record stores are always having the same sale; “Buy one record, get made fun of for free.”

#16 – You know you’re lazy when all of your clothes are dirty, including the pair you’re wearing, and instead of washing them, you’re seriously considering burning them all and buying new ones.

#17 – I want to find the guy who goes to every Best Buy I’ve been to, and turns all the radios up to max volume so when they are turned on by customers it makes my ears bleed. I want to find that guy, and punch him in the face.

7 Things I Know About Celebrities That I Wish I Didn't

2006-06-02T12:16:00.000-07:00

I don't have a television. I don't read people magazine. In fact, I try to avoid tabloid trash about celebrities as much as is humanly possible. And yet, for some unexplicable reason, this information comes to me. So here are 7 things that I now know (mostly thanks to socially awkward and unattractive coworkers), that I wish I didn't.

#1 - Anna Nicole Smith is Pregnant.

In addition to instantly drawing up the disgusting image of Anna Nicole Smith having sex (just typing that made me take a pencil off my desk and gouge out my eyeballs to stop the terrible, terrible burning. So please excuse any typos from here on out, as I can't see what I'm writing.), and my wonderment of the shear physics of such an event, this is something I simply do not need to know.

I struggle with depression enough as it is people. I don't need to know that people like her are procreating. If this is the case, in three generations there could be 60 to 70 Anna Nicole Smiths walking the world, and that just makes me want to eat a bullet.

#2 - Britney Spears is Pregnant (again)

If anyone can't see this white trash, child dropping, spoiled little fame whore as the greatest single arguement for public forced sterility and pregnancy regulation, then you probably aren't enjoying this rant, because you never learned how to read.

But hey, at least her husband can rap well. Right? Am I right? I'm totally right.

Or as K-Fed would say (with his massive amounts of store bought "street cred") "Word".

#3 - Jennifer Aniston is dating Vince Vaughn

In addition to me not caring, this has to go down in history as the world's biggest down grade. I mean, c'mon! I'm not gay, and I'd probably sleep with Brad Pitt given the opportunity. So to go from Brad "ripped with a six pack" Pitt to Vince "pastey with a one pack" Vaughn? She must be desperate and drunk.

I mean, look at Vince! You know that's the face of a man who farts in bed. Hell, he'd probably fart in front of your parents and then waft the stinky air into your face, all while giggling and smoking a giant cigar.

But I gotta hand it to Vince. The dude's got timing. That has to be the biggest desperate rebound score ever. I mean, hell, if Vince is dating Jennifer Aniston, that means that I had a chance! I HAD A CHANCE!!!!

#4 - Keith Richards is still alive (somehow)

Despite being 3,000 years old, a chain smoker, having replaced more than 50% of his blood with foreign substances, and his recent fall from a tree, Keith Richards is still alive and kicking.

This only gives credence to the Wayne's World theory that "Keith Richards cannot be killed by conventional weapons". If the governments of the world do not unite, this Mummy will conquer us all.

#5 - Katie Holmes is dating Tom Cruise

Katie "Infected With Herpes" Holmes and Tom "Secretly Gay" Cruise; or "Tomkat" as I like to call them (I totally just made that up, feel free to use it!) are dating, or married, or soemthing. And she had his kid. The whole thing struck me as an attempt by Tom Cruise to prove that he's not gay. I can just imagine him on some talk show going:

"Gay? What are you talking about?!?!? I totally put that in her! That sperm was all mine!"

Can you imagine being that kid, and getting "the talk" about the birds and bees from Tommy Boy:

"Sometimes, when a woman loves a man very much, a man can concentrate, really, really hard on something he likes, like for example, Brad Pitt, and when he does, something magical can happen, with the right amount of will power."

Also, I think I read somewhere he is a scientologist.

#6 - Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had a kid

My first reaction is, "Who Cares?" That is followed up by the answer "Stupid People". So two famous people had a kid. If Nicole Richie has taught us anything, it is that talent is not genetic.

So they had a kid? What business is it of mine? So Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston broke up? Why the hell should I care? It's not like I'm going to meet either of them.

The only comment I can make on these two lovebirds, na dthis is an actual, serious social commentary from your very own Buck Williams, is it's about damn time some celebrity other than Bono tried to use their fame for something good. Good for you Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt!

Now if only I could come up with some sort of witty nickname like "Tomkat" that would stick for these two...

#7 - Paris Hilton is releasing a music album

Paris (scene here scratching her recent resurgence of crabs) is apparantly going to be the next "American Idol", not because she has a good singing voice, looks, dancing ability, charisma, charm, wit, or any talent whatsoever. It's because her dad is rich.

Paris recently had this to say about the project "The whole album has so much different music on it. I like all music. It's not like I only like pop or only rock. I want to have something for everybody."

Wow, she must be a musical virtuoso! I'm so excited to hear it now.

I hate my life...

Monday Fun Facts; Later Than Usual!!!

2006-05-24T09:39:00.000-07:00

A Collection of Wisdom, Truth, and Interesting Factoids that are all 100% true.

1 - I've been trying to encourage my coworkers to start their own blog to write about their work complaints. This isn't to give them a new means of personal expression, but mostly so that when they start talking to me, I can say "Hey, blog about it and I read it in a minute."

2 - Mrs. Buck Williams just adores my latest nick name for her. "The Ol' Sack-Bag".

3 - In many states it is now legal to carry a concealed handgun around whenever and where ever you please. The only logical explanation for this is when abortions are made illegal, it will make it much easier for pregnant teenagers to commit suicide. The future is so bright I need sunglasses.

4 - When children say they are playing with the family pet, they aren't really playing, so much as testing the animals physical limits ("let's see if he can eat cheetos dipped in peanut butter!").

5 - Nobody ever said "I want to have a blog when I grow up".

6 - I think the one thing classical music is missing, is the washtub bass.

7 - Business Tip: When addressing the Board of Directors of your company, try to avoid using the phrase "Dumber than Kwanzaa" to describe potential business moves.

8 - When weighing the cost of buying a new washer and dryer versus going to the laundromat, remember to factor in the fact that at a laundromat, you will be able to listen to radio hits from five years ago from the moment you enter until the moment you leave.

9 - You can tell when someone is serious about being uneployed when they have cheetos in their hair, a beard, and aren't wearing any pants.

10 - The best part about listening to a new Bjork album, is that you now know what the next Madonna album will be copying.

11 - Terrorist Security Bulletin: Do not trust any of the following people: Men in tank tops. People who quote Jim Carrey movies. People who are stranded and need just one dollar. Ugly people.

12 - Someday I'm going to organizing a sand paper convention with a sanding competition, just so I can say the phrase "The prize will go to the last man sanding."

13 - There is nothing worse in the whole universe than someone who comes to your blog and spams you in the comments section (Paul), and these people are child molestors (Paul).

14 - I think restaurants should offer the "Eating Disorder Special", a small plate half full of food that you can pick at for an hour for only $1.99.

15 - The saddest episode of Mr. Wizard was called "Bobby; do you have five dollars I could borrow because Social Security isn't giving me enough money to cover my marijuana addiction."

16 - One of my 300 pound coworkers came over to me and, while eating a Twix Candy bar said "I dunno Buck. I just don't think a low carb diet is healthy for you." Sometimes you can make fun of people, and other times they do it for you.

17 - Warning; if you insist on wearing powerful cologne to work, I will have no choice but to retaliate with unconventional weapons; the pork and beans beef fart.

18 - There is a secret political blogger club house in Pennsylvania, where they sit around eating peanut butter on graham crackers until someone shouts "Gentlemen! We have another situation! It is time to get up in arms about another political inevitability! TO THE INTERNET!!!!"

Don't Be Suprised When This Happens To Me...

2006-05-18T13:43:00.000-07:00

Monday Fun Facts; Now On Wednesday!!!

2006-05-17T16:34:00.000-07:00

A Collection of Wisdom, Truth, and Interesting Factoids that are all 100% true.

1 - The only reason people buy bracelets like "livestrong" and "WWJD?" only buy them to prove that they think about stuff.

2 - When I was a senior in high school, I was voted "most likely to somewhat succeed, but probably not."

3 - Scientists recently discovered that the best piece of chicken from KFC is the Leg, because the word breast makes me giggle, and the wings have too many bones and are gross.

4 - The only reason anyone has ever owned a hand held computer with internet access is to be able to look at pornography while on the toilet at work.

5 - The worst vegitable in the universe is the tomato. Seriously, have you seen the slop inside one of those things?

6 - Leaving work early is like a present you can give yourself every day, until you get fired.

7 - The first clue that you are poor, is when desert consists of "Banana Popsicles", because anyone who can afford to not eat them, will not eat them.

8 - The other night, I thought Mrs. Buck Williams was playing My Bloody Valentine on the radio, but it turned out her guitar was just broken.

9 - For the inventor's fair in third grade, I presented the "Nacho Bong", where a whole bag of chips and a jar of Pace Picante were dumped down a funnel and swallowed as quickly as possible. I didn't win, but I did gain thirty four pounds.

10 - Fish Sauce: Delicious on Egg Rolls, but smells like poop.

11 - Tens of millions of americans die every day from chicken nugget related injuries. Be safe. Know proper nugget handling procedures.

12 - Scientists of the world need to combine their talents to make the world's Radiohead fans shut up already.

13 - Dear Guitar Companies, if you do not start making the flying V banjo, I will never buy anything from you again.

14 - I always respect bats whenever they sneak into my house, because I can't help but worry that some Goth kid in the neighborhood finally got his wish, and I wouldn't want to hurt them.

15 - My least favorite week in gym class was the "Emberass the Nerds" section, also known as Fitness Testing.

16 - My mother still won't tell me how baby carrots are made.

17 - The best way to end a horrible, horrible conference call at work is to shout "Twenty Percent, and nothing higher!" and then hang up the phone. If your coworkers seem confused about it, just fart.

In Defense of Tom Cruise

2006-05-12T14:55:00.000-07:00

John Trivolta is way more insane than he'll ever be.

Guys, does this E-Meter make me look gay?

Because I think it makes me look FABULOUS!!!!

And Another Thing!!!!

2006-05-08T11:42:00.000-07:00

I learned from watching Disney Movies, that when you wish upon as falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really an asteroid hurtling toward the earth which will destroy all life upon impact.

Then you're pretty much screwed no matter what you've wished for.

Unless it's death by asteroid.

Monday Fun Facts

2006-05-08T08:40:00.000-07:00

1 - Most Catholics don't actually believe in transubstantiation, unless you cut them off in traffic.

2 - The most dangerous part of downtown Minneapolis isn't the North side. It's the Amish side.

3 - Marriage doesn't just mean saying "I Love You", it also means tying a six foot long rope around your waist adn handing the loose end to your new spouse.

4 - For those who haven't played Sims, let me give you a breakdown of the three steps invovled in game play. First: Spend fourteen hours obsessivly building your house. Second: Find out that you can't even make fake friends in video games. Third: accidentally set yourself on fire.

5 - I was taught in elementary school that in case of an A-Bomb attack, I should duck and cover under my desk. But they never taught me what to do when someone drops the F-Bomb.

6 - Things I think about at work: Do aliens have to sit their children down, and explain how they were born by saying "When a face hugger loves a human very much, it grabs them by the face, sticks a long tentacle down their throat and implants an egg in their chest. And six months later, you tore your way out through their sternum. It usually kills the human, but makes for a good movie."

7 - When Santa Claus works for the government: "Well, I couldn't bring you any Ho-Ho-Health Care this year, but I do have some legos and tax breaks for millionares."

8 - We didn't have any playstations when I was a kid. Of course, you could always get maimed by farm equipment if you were bored.

9 - When I was younger, Vincent and I used to drive around the old retirement homes shouting "OLD PEOPLE!" as we drove by. When I'm older, I plan on balancing out this act by driving around coffee shops shouting "YOUNG PEOPLE!"

10 - Hell is not fire and brimstone, it's going to a sleepover at a friends house, and being forced to help them with their chores.

11 - My favorite hat that I own is one that says "Hey Buddy, my face is down there!"

12 - I had a friend in Elementary school who was diabetic. He cried whenever he got his shots, and we used to always make fun of him. "Oh, it looks like someone has cryabetes! Do you need an insolin shot little cryabetic? Or maybe a pin prick blood test for sadness?"

13 - Funnel cakes, kids with rat tails, and immensely fat people. I love you Minnesota State Fair.

14 - If I had a dollar for every time I had sixty cents, I would be canada.

15 - As an artist, I mostly like to paint nudes. My friends often ask me how I get them to sit still, and I usually lie, because telling them the truth (that I slit their throats and staple them to the floor) would probably make me sound weird.

16 - Being a scientist is harder than you think. For example, if a scientist isn't nejoying the summer hear, he has to decide if he wants to buy an air conditioner, or change the laws of physics to make his house cooler.

17 - Everytime I see race riots, I can't help but wish I was there so I could shout "Down with whites! Up with takin' VCR's!"

18 - Since wednesday is hump day, does that make teusday "Hump Eve"?

19 - My Dad recently told me a story about a relative of ours who killed a man with a shovel. This means one of two things. Either I have very strong genes, or that I have inherited a tendancy to drink to much.

20 - When shopping for a new pet, keep in mind that any dog without a squished up face is just boring and retarded.

10 Reasons Why You Wish You Were Buck Williams

2006-05-03T08:23:00.000-07:00

#1 - I have a tiny, tiny penis.
While most people would think this is a disadvantage, they are quite wrong. When you are so unwell endowed in the crotchal area, there is zero expectation put on you for performance in the bed arena. I'm terrible at sex, and no one expects anything different! HORAY!!!!

#2 - Unlike me, you can't juggle.
Sure, I can only juggle three balls, for about fifteen seconds, but still, that's way cooler than anything you can do (unless you can ride a unicycle. I've always wanted to be able to do that).

#3 - I have an extensive collection of pornography.
You name it, I've got it. Midgets? Check. Donkeys? Check. Cool Ranch Doritos? Check. Bondage? Check. Pregnant Women? Check. Life is good.

#4 - I am probably the smartest person ever to live.
For example, I am the person who discovered the "wankabellum", the portion of the brain responsible for the masturbatory urge. It is located right between the hypothalimus and the pie-is-delicious gland.

#5 - I will be the world's greatest parent.
For example, most people, when they punish their kids, either hit them, or grond them. Not me. I will handcuff them to Chris Tucker for a day, and make them drive around in his car and argue over which radio station to listen to.

#6 - I will someday be very, very rich.
Just as soon as my line of t-shirts that says "If you can read this, my apron fell off" hits the global market.

#7 - I know that my wife is cheating on me.
So that's one less thing I have to worry about.

#8 - God isn't my co-pilot, but he is my coworker.
He's always hanging out at my cube, talkin' about his weekend, saying "Yea, it was pretty sweet. I smote this one dude with weeping sores, and then sent a plague of frogs to California." After that story, everything you did on Saturday seems pretty weak.

#9 - I have a camera phone
So while I'm going number 2, I can take pictures of my willy, and giggle about it. I just have to make sure I delete them, because that could be emberassing.

#10 - I have the best rap face ever.

Word!

Coming Soon to an Internet Near You...BUCKWORLD

2006-05-02T15:46:00.000-07:00

http://www.buckworld.punkside.de/

Oh man, this is gonna be so sweet.

And here's a random comic I found on the internet for your enjoyment:

Ah rape....will you ever stop being funny?

A Trip Down Memory Lane - Monday Fun Facts Style

2006-05-01T09:39:00.000-07:00

A Collection of Wisdom, Truth, and Interesting Factoids that are all 100% true.

1 - I think all restaurants should set up a section for people who's eyes don't quite point the same direction, similar to a "smoking section", because frankly, I can't eat around those people.

2 - Why is it that whenever people ask to speak with my manager, they never say "That guy is doing an excellent job, so tell him to keep it up. Also, he is handsome."?

3 - I bet when Birds go to the bird office on mondays, they say "Yea, my weekend was pretty good. I mostly flew around and pooped on stuff".

4 - Scientsist recently calculated that I will never, ever go to the prom.

5 - I used to be pro-life, until I realized that I want to keep women's bodies off of my laws.

6 - When 15 women get together at a drinking party, and no guys show up, do they call it a "taco fest"?

7 - Those keyboards that 80's bands wear and play like a guitar, are now called "keytars".

8 - My boss told me that the biggest advantage of using child labor is you can pay your employees with pixie sticks and legos.

9 - I knew a kid in high school whos head was shaped like the state of Nebraska, which is too bad because nobody likes Nebraska.

10 - Hint to crazy people: On job applications, try to avoid writing "Will not stab you in face while you sleep" under "other work experience".

11 - If there was a bizarro world version of my office, the conversation I just had with a coworker would have went like this: "Hey Buck, my fiance is boring, as is my life, have you seen any cool websites today?"

12 - Trivia Question for 5/1 - Am I getting paid enough to put up with all this crap? Answer: No

13 - I vote we change the name of grocery store sushi to "Food that looks cool, but doesn't taste as good as regular food".

14 - I think the world would be a much better place if a parent, when their child is 5 years old and wants to buy their first comic book, asks them if they really want to end up 30, living in their parent's basement, writing on the internet about how the new X-Men movie deviated from the core storyline.

15 - Cockroaches would be one of the few species capable of surviving a nuclear winter, but that does not mean they are invited to my kitchen.

16 - If you disagree with me, I will meet you at the intersection of "my butt" and "your face" for a meeting, and frank discussion of ideas.

17 - The essential gangsta rap accessory for the winter of 2007 will be "Mittenz".

Warning - This Post Is Disgusting - The Aristocrats

2006-04-28T19:58:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlement, Gentlemen and Ladies,

I recently saw a movie, which was hyped to me as "absolutely hilarious". I was told it was disgusting, vile, and so funny I would wet my pants.

What movie is that you ask?

A little film called The Aristocrats

I was told it would make me laugh like no other movie ever had.

Sadly, this was not the case.

Instead, I found myself watching a movie that repeated the same joke, which used the f-word, feces, urine, the word "cunt" and semen over, and over, and over again, in such a repetative manner, that it wasn't shocking, funny, or even mildly disconcerting. Instead, it became boring.

That's right. Boring.

The idea is there's an ongoing inside joke among most "comedians" where the same joke is told, only the build up is improvised, and taken over by each individual comedian, who tries to say the most disgustiing, vile, and disturbing things they can.

And apparently this is funny to some people.

Now I"ll admit, there were exactly three moments where I laughed. The first was by Eddie Izzard (who is my second favorite stand up comedian, and if you haven't seen this, you are incredibly not cool), the second by Carrie Fischer (that's right, Princess Leia was funnier than all of the professional comedians in the movie), and the third by Bob Sagat (and only once, when he said "and then they all start making out with each other").

Otherwise, I considered turning it off about six times. Not because it was too gross mind you, but because I was bored out of my mind.

See, the problem I had was, all of these comedians thought they were so shocking, so funny, and so daring, and yet I've read many, many books that were more shocking, more daring, and more disgusting, that weren't trying to be funny, and as such, were incredibly disturbing. If you think The Aristocrats was gross, then you need to read Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs, or The Story of the Eye by Georges Bataille. I mean, even the book American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis was more shocking than most of these jokes.

So, to prove that I can put my money where my mouth is, I am going to present to you, my version of this joke. It's not funny, it's just gross, and I dare say, quite a bit grosser than anything from the movie.

Warning, the following content is really, really disgusting, and likely not safe for work. Seriously, don't read it, because it will disgust you.

Seriously.

OK, now on with the joke (warning, the punchline is not funny. I repeat, it is not funny).

[Due to the excessively graphic nature fo the joke originally posted, which was disgusting and disturbing beyond imagination, and due the fact that I am not comfortable with the amount of vile content I was able to write, the joke has been taken off of the blog. If you still insist on reading the joke (and God knows why you would), you can e-mail me (buckwilly@gmail.com) and I will send it directly to you. So instead, I have posted a watered down version of the joke]

A man and his wife walk into the office of a talent agent. The man says "Sir, I have what can only be described as the greatest act ever devised in the history of human kind".

The talent agent replies "Well, let's see it then".

The reaches over, and pulls his wife's finger, which causes her to toot, somewhat loudly, but nothing deafening. Of course, we all know that there is nothing more disgusting int he whole world than a woman farting, and that all women should never pass gas or poop (peeing and burping are still forwned upon, but allowed), so the talent agent is extremely disgusted.

"What do you call that act?" the talent agent asks between dry heaves.

The man replies, "The Aristocrats".

(I told you it wasn't funny!)

17 Rules to Live Your Life By

2006-04-21T10:42:00.000-07:00

1 – All David Lynch films can be summed up by the following sentence. Go flatter, spoken with gelatin, radon booger sap, staple Michigan gum, bloody beef carrots, hairy spike tunnel, growth aksjdml and lkjeifgf. So now you can avoid watching his boring movies.

2 – Never, ever, ever, ever try to put a fire out with your face.

3 – The secret meaning of life, the universe, and everything isn’t what you’d expect, and is really quite disappointing. So it’s probably best you just sit back and watch your favorite T.V. show, “The World’s Most Dangerous Drivers, Volume 17”.

4 – Good Posture is it’s own reward. Which means congratulations, you get nothing!

5 – If it’s red and itchy, and weeping oil, you should probably see a doctor about that.

6 – If you are a teenager, and you do not enjoy reading classic literature or studying European history, people will assume you are getting into drugs.

7 – Tanks are the coolest thing ever. Screw the stupid “Ninjas and Pirates” internet trend, with a tank, I win.

8 – If you saw the movie Alien vs. Predator, and you were cheering for the Predator, you deserve to get colon cancer.

9 – Smoking is cool. If you do not smoke, you are not cool.

10 – Nothing is more disappointing to a hard core gangster, than finding out their child is really into Computers and Role Playing Games.

11 – Writing a note to your cat that says “Hey, Dick! Stop peeing on the floor” is completely and totally ineffective.

12 – In Hell, the only place where you can eat is Wendy’s, and the Frosty machine is always broken. So try to avoid going to hell.

13 – If you find yourself wondering if you are a good driver, then you aren’t. So please turn off your left turn signal that has been on since you left your driveway.

14 – It’s customary for fat gangsters to poor some gravy onto the ground for their “fallen homies”.

15 – If your life doesn’t have a “Manifesto”, you will never succeed at anything.

16 – The best recipe on earth is the “Spaghetti-O’s Smoothie”. Directions, Take one can of Spaghetti-O’s (preferably without sausage discs, because they are gross), Three fourths of a cup of Milk, 2 cups of sugar, and 1 cup of Nesquick. Combine in blender. Blend until smooth. Enjoy!

17 – The secret code is “up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start”.

Buck Williams on myspace?!?!?!?!

2006-04-20T15:39:00.000-07:00

Many of you may have not heard of the newest, hip trend going on out there, called "social networking". I saw a special on it on ABC, so I figured I'd become one of those "early adopters" and get my very own my space page.

So now my life truly is complete.

And for those who are worried, no, I will not be abondoning these blogs. You can still read my exciting adventures right here, or on the myspace page, whichever you prefer.

So, if you're a myspace user, feel free to add me as a friend. If I accept, you can consider yourself on the short list of "cool" people in the universe.

http://www.myspace.com/buckwilly

Also, there will be more nudity here, since they don't allow it on myspace. What a crock!

Here's a teaser photo to get ya'll hot and bothered:

Have I Mentioned I Hate Paris Hilton?

2006-04-18T12:43:00.000-07:00

Once again, Hotel Heiress and long time slut Paris Hilton is back in the headlines. This time, to promote yet another season of her insipid television series, The Simple Life, and talk about her up coming album.

That's right, Paris Hilton is now a "musician".

You can read the article I did here, but be warned, it made me throw up blood, feces, and glass.

To highlight a few of my favorite quotes:

"I am so happy to have so much success. The album is sexy and fun and you will want to dance to it. People will see that I am talented."

Talented? Talented? This from the girl who is only famous for having sex? Not only that, but apparently on the sex tape, mid coitus she receives a cell phone call, and answers it. If Mrs. Buck Williams answered the phone during the 30 or 40 seconds it takes us to copulate, it would completely ruin the experience for both of us. So Paris Hilton is not even good at sex! She just has sex on video, and has money. That is it. This does not equate talent. And if Britanny Spears, Madonna, Kelly Clarkson, Jessica Simpson, Naomi Watts, Cindy Crawford, and Christina Aguilera have taught us anything, it's that you can't buy talent. Sound engineers have a little saying that I think applies. "Crap in, Crap out". In other words, no matter how good of a producer you have, if you suck at music, your CD is going to suck. And in this case, it is going to suck bad (and yes, that's another reference to the sex tape "One Night In Paris").

"I think people like me because I am very real myself and I lead an exciting life. There is no one like me. I am unique."

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!

This comment made me laugh for about three hours, until I began to hemmoraige rectally. Are you kidding me? Paris Hilton is unique? Seriously, I wonder if she is actually able to say that with a straight face.

"I worked hard for all this. I tell girls that if you basically work hard all your dreams will come true."

Oh God! Stop! Seriously! You're killing me! It's too funny!

Paris Hilton worked hard? At what, being born into a rich family? The only comfort I can take is articles like this one, which make me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

20 Observations On Life

2006-04-13T12:19:00.000-07:00

1 - Calling Wednesday "Hump Day" is incredibly misleading. It should be renamed "Day four of a sexless week".

2 - If you're ever planning on learnign guitar, be prepared to go through the following four step program. #1 Find a mediocre guitarist to teach you. #2 Break some strings, learn a power chord. #3 Become frustrated because you suck at guitar. #4 Quit practising for a few years, until you forget how bad you were. Begin again at step #1.

3 - Greenland is mostly ice, and Iceland is mostly green, which means Vikings were retarded.

4 - Things I think about at work "Will people ever evolve to have three nostrils?"

5 - Someday, some musical genius will bring together the world's greatest hardcore gangster rappers, to record the benefit song "We shot the world (with a chrome gat yo)!".

6 - My favorite food group is Fats and Gristle.

7 - If you don't have anything nice to say, then say it on the internet.

8 - Someone needs to explain to MC Hammer, that we don't want to touch it, we just want to look at it.

9 - When I am rich and famous, my mansion is going to have the two greatest rooms ever invented, that no rich person has, but every child wants. The Ultimate Lego room, and the trampoline room. Also, you will not be invited.

10 - If I was a musician, I would write a song for my coworkers called "Seriously, stop standing by my cubicle talking to me, because you are boring and I have work to do."

11 - I could never become a fifth day adventist, because I think Thursday is a pretty overrated day.

12 - Poeple with flag bumper stickers that say "These Colors Don't Run" are really saying "God bless america, except for south america, central america, mexico, and the gays".

13 - Nobody ever thought playing the accordian was sexy, so to all you accordian players out there, I say "What the hell?"

14 - I support the new legislation up for approval in the house and the sente, that declares 11:11 p.m. every day "Techno Time", where all citizens are required to crank up Square Pusher, and chant "techno time! techno time! techno time!" for five minutes.

15 - This just in! Apple computers, now just as boring as PCs.

16 - When I see movies I really like (such as Sin City, or American Beauty), skid marks mysteriously appear in my underwear.

17 - I often find myself wishing that my life was a lot more like Belle and Sebastian.

18 - My wife recently started calling me "Flacid Pants", and won't stop no matter how many times it makes me cry.

19 - The reason I love myspace.com so much, isn't because it's a great place to pick up 14 year old girls, but because it's a great place to listen to terrible local bands which are totally going to make it someday.

20 - There's nothing more disappointing in life, than when you're bored, deciding to play a board game, only to discover that you are missing some pieces.

A Love Letter To All My Readers

2006-04-04T12:25:00.000-07:00

Unlike this rat:

My Love for you will never die.

-Buck Williams-

My Apologies for the Absence, Now Resuming Broadcast...

2006-03-30T08:42:00.000-08:00

You're Boring!

2006-03-03T16:25:00.000-08:00

So I'm at work, and I decide to check my e-mail. I have 50 spam e-mails, and let me list for you the subject lines.

Photoshop Tutorials
Windows Software, Adobe Photoshop
CHEAAP PRIICE CIAALIS VIAGGRA
Cialis 20 Pills 20 mg
Buy Adobe Software
Men's Health
Adobe, Windows MS Office 2003 Pro
CHEEAP WAY TO BIGGER UR SHORT & THIN DICK
Three steps to the Software you need
SAVE 80% CIALLIS VIAGRA MORE
Tool for better sex
Order Viagra Now
Software at lo1w prices
Viagra 20 Pills 100 mg
SAD TO HAVE SHORT DICK, BIGGER 2" NOW
Don't be inadequate anymore
out MED CHEAP CIALLIS VIAGRA
All love enhancers one protal
Photoshop, Windows, Office
Generic Viagra
Attract Women NOW
SHY TO FCUK WITH YOUR SHORT GUN?
Viagra soft tabs better

Now, I'm sure many people are aware that I enjoy using Adobe Photoshop, but I want to know how I got on the list of people with small penis' and a sexual disfunction! Which one of my readers ratted me out!

That's just not nice! Sure, my Johnson Rod is small, and doesn't always function properly. I'm aware fo this. My wife reminds me each and every day.

Honey, I'm disappointed in the size and performance of your twinkey.

But for the love of crumb cake people, you don't need to broadcast it to the whole world!

I guess what our beloved President Abraham Lincoln said just prior to his untimely death is completely true.

"The internet is full of porn jockeys and cock bites."

Amen Honest Abe. Amen.

Magnet Poetry Friday #3

2006-03-03T16:06:00.000-08:00

Sorry again, it's been an terrible week. I promise there will be more updates soon. Maybe tomorrow?

But, for now, here's the latest poem.

My life is a dirty song played on the ugliest guitar in the world.

Magnet Poetry Friday #2

2006-02-24T11:07:00.000-08:00

Sorry folks, it's been a busy week.

So, without further ado, here's the poem that now sits at my desk at work:

These long winter months can go to death like your dirty barren mother, and I love my lightbright.

Magnet Poetry Friday #1

2006-02-17T11:44:00.000-08:00

I used to work with DJ Shovelpants. The operative word being, "used to".

When he departed the great halls of our slave ship, he graciously imparted to me a gift. he handed me a tin of delicious altoid tangerine sours. I excitedly opened them, only to be disapopointed by the contents. In the place of delicious, breath freshening tangerine dots, there was magnet poetry.

I faked a smile, thanking him for his generous gift, and then slumped into my desk, and after sucking on the magnets for an hour or so to catch any residual tangerine that might have been left in the tin, Iput them in my desk drawer, and cried for an hour. And, until today, the magnet poetry has not seen the light of day.

Until today.

I have placed the magnet poetry on my desk, and will write a new poem each Friday. There, it will stay for a week, for all the employees I work with to enjoy.

So here is the first ediditon of "Magnet Poetry Friday"!

My crescent end passes it's bounty like blossoms, showered with a wet warm breeze.

Now that's poetry.

I Went Hunting With the V.P., and All I Got Was This Lousy Shot To The Face.

2006-02-15T10:29:00.000-08:00

As you all well know, I'm no political satirist. I'm not particularly clever, nor do I espouse to have any sort of political ideology. But I can't resist commenting on this, because it's frickin' hilarious*.

For the first time since the Clinton years, someone is in the news for being shot in the face by a member of the administration (a-thank you!). Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot Harry Wittington in the face with a shotgun.

That's right. He accidentally shot someone. In the face. With a shotgun.

In the face.

Seriously. How do you accidentally shoot someone in the face? Especially from 30 yards! I would think that kind of accuracy would require practice.

And now it's come out that the poor man had a heart attack as a result of his injuries, because a pellet which became embedded in his chest, near his heart. Not only that, but the doctors are saying it's probably safer just to leave it in. I hope the poor sucker isn't going on any trips through airport security, or having an MRI done. That would be just emberassing.

So, the moral of the story is, don't ever go hunting with Dick Cheney. Better yet, don't go near him when he has a gun in his hands. Scratch that, you should probably just avoid Dick Cheney altogether.

*my most sincere and heartfelt prayers go out to the familiy of Harry Whittington during this difficult time. Hopefully he will recover fully, and have learned the difficuly lesson that one should not to try and block shotgun blasts with your face.

New Blog

2006-02-13T15:51:00.000-08:00

Well Ladies and Gentlemen,

Not too long ago, I did an advice column edition, which was quite popular. Since then, people have been sending me advice e-mails left and right.

I'm sorry, I haven't been a very good advice columnist.

But, I hope to ammend that in the coming weeks. And, to do this right, I've created a whole new blog, devoted entirely to Buck Williams Words of Wisdom (how's that for illiteration?).

www.bucksadvice.blogspot.com

I've moved the couple of advice columns I've done over to the new blog, and added a new edition. Hopefully I'll be able to update it fairly frequently, so those who have sent questions in, they will be answered, and for those of you who have need, please e-mail me:

buckwilly@gmail.com

And the wisdom shall be dispensed with all due speed.

Seriously, I love you people!

Trivia Contest 2006

2006-02-03T16:16:00.000-08:00

Hello My Dearest Friends,

My most sincere apologies for not posting more frequently this last week. Mrs. Buck Williams has sadly taken ill with a nasty case of the Sims 2, and I have had the honorable duty of caring for her while she recovers.

But in addition to this, the annual KVSC trivia competition is coming up in a week, and I have been a busy bee trying to prepare. It is a grueling 50 hour trivia marathon, starting Friday Night at 7:00 p.m. and ending Sunday Evening at 5:00 p.m. It is excrutiating, and yet, as addictive as heroine. Myself, Vinny V., and several of our other friends have competed together for the last 10 years, and each year it gets more and more competative. Last year, out of the 72 teams that played, we actually won the competition.

Here are some of the questions they asked last year:

What is the collective name for the 6 gangsters that drove the Bulletproof Bomb in Wacky Races?
-The Ant Hill Mob

On April 7, 1965, what device received and returned an excellent television signal?
-Early Bird

What was the name of the red-tailed hawk recently evicted from his home of 10 years in New York City?
-Pale Male

So as you can see, I devote a great deal of time and energy to things that are completely pointless. The questions are of varying degrees of difficulty, and the only thing we win, is the honor, and a pass-along trophy each year.

Along with the questions, the college radio station that organizes this competition every year also gives out Visual Trivia clues, pictures that can be researched prior to the contest. All we know is that some sort of question is going to be asked about these photos, and we need to try and track down where they came from. There are 17 in total, and thus far, we have 15 pretty well tracked down. This is were you, my loyal friends, come in. I am asking for your help, in any way, shape, or form, to identify what or where these two pictures come from.

But what's in it for me Buck?

I'm getting to that, you tard! Sorry, I didn't mean that.

As a reward for all your tireless efforts, if any of you help me with these two pictures, you will win a fabulous prize.

What Prize?

I'll tell you! You will win a hand ordered, personally customized, official Buck Williams t-shirt, featureing Buck William's Glorious Vissage, and a personalized poem written by myself extolling the virtues of the lucky person(s) who helped me with the trivia competition.

Plus, I'll like, totally be your best friend forever. Seriously. You should help me with this. Because it's important. I forgot to mention that some terrorists kidnapped my family, and said if I don't figure this out, they'll kill them. So if you don't help me, you're effectively killing my family.

Please don't kill my family.

Please?

So, any ideas/suggestions/leads you might have, please e-mail them to me (buckwilly@gmail.com). Ask your friend. Your neighbors. Your family. Strangers in the street. Your gimp you keep locked up in the basement for your sexual amusement. Pretty much anyone. And before anyone even tries to ask, no, asking for your help is not against the rules. You can ask anyone you want to help you with these visual clues, and there's no limit to team size, so if you help, you can consider yourself a member of the Stefan's Dream Team. And once you're a part of that, you don't need no-one.

So without furthur ado, I present, the two pictures we can't solve:

Dungeons and Dragons...A Window Into My High School Years...

2006-01-27T10:28:00.000-08:00

See My Life, And Despair...

Should Buck Williams Sell Out?

2006-01-25T13:36:00.000-08:00

So, I was perusing my Buck Williams e-mail account, and there, sitting smack dab in the middle of my "Busty Old Ladies And The British Midgets Who love Them" newsletter and all the spam I constantly get, because someone keeps signing me up for it (Sandra, I'm looking in your direction...), was an e-mail with the subject line "Request to pay for ads at 'buckwilliams' Blog". Intrigued, I clicked on the e-mail. Here are the contents:

We were very impressed by your 'buckwilliams' Blog, and would like to pay to advertise on your website. If you are interested, then please complete a very short form at: http://www.PayClick.org

PayClick.org was created by FTPPro.com, which has more than two million users. The PayClick.org home page contains recommendations from 12 of our clients, including Warner Brothers, Disney, and Computax. We have been creating internet solutions for more than 10 years, and developing computer software for more than 20 years.

Please do not reply to this email, as this address is not monitored. If you do not wish for us to advertise on your website, then simply do not click on the link shown above, and you shall receive no further requests from FTPPro.com.

After examining the website, it turns out they pay you $0.50 per click on one of their adds. Which has brought me toa large ethical dilema.

You see, I never wanted annoying adds on my blog. I consider myself better than that, and there's nothing more obnoxious than pop-ups and talking adds on the sidebars. I'm a bit of a puritan when it comes to that.

But, on the other hand, every man has his price, and my just so happens to be $0.50. I will seriously do nearly anything for that price. I once nearly choked to death fitting one half of a loaf of Herberts and Gerberts day old bread in my mouth at once, for a grand prize of.....$0.50. And man, once I spent that fifty cents playing the sweetest pinball game ever (Rockin' Roller Games in case you were wondering), it made all the cuts on the inside of my mouth (bread is apparently quite dry) and the coworkers wetted pants (yes, two people peed their pants laughing at me, and had to run home to change) completely worth it.

But, on the other other hand (you know which one I mean), I am planning a Presidential Election Bid in 2008, and how would the "Buck Williams sells out for $0.50" factoid look on the ol' resume? Not so great I would wager.

So I leave it to you, my dear readers. Should Buck Williams sell out and have some adds on his webpage, or should he stay true to his roots, and deny the evils of money? The decision is yours, as I never really visit the site. Heck, I can barely remember to update it more than once a week. So you're the once who would have to deal with these adds. Although I would probably visit my webpage each day, and click on the add a bunch of times to make myself some monies.

I await your decision.

Lonliness: A Very Modern Poem

2006-01-18T11:31:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when I find myself alone,
I like to think about mayonaisse,
Because I know the truth is that
it's just sitting there in a jar, all alone,
and usually it's white.
Sometimes, when I am sitting with mayonaise,
I think of what it is like
to be alone
in a jar
standing next to pickles all day,
and I think that maybe
I'm not so lonely after all.

Sometimes when I find myself alone,
I like to think about trees,
Because I know the truth is that
nobody really likes trees.
They're green and big and can't play video games.
Sometimes when I am sitting under a tree
I think of what it is like
to be a toothpick
in a restaurant
wishing I was still a tree
and I think that maybe
I'm not so lonely after all.

Sometimes when I find myself alone,
I like to think about my toothbrush,
Because I know the truth is that
Toothbrushes have the worst lives ever.
They go in dirty mouths, and sometimes ears,
And once they get mushy, we throw them away.
Sometimes when I am brushing my teeth
I think of what it is like
to go in mouths
filled with spinach
and garlic
that smells like stomach cancer,
and I think that maybe
I'm not so lonely after all.

Advice Column: The Larry Edition

2006-01-11T14:28:00.000-08:00

I had almost all but forgotten about the advice column, since no one seems interested in my excessive amounts of wisdom and wit, so it came as quite a suprise when I had an e-mail in my inbox. So, here is yet another Advice Column edition, thanks to Larry. If anyone else would like some patented Buck wisdom, feel free to e-mail me in all my glory (buckwilly@gmail.com).

Dear Buck,

I have this new girlfriend, let's call her "Darla". She's sweet, and funny, and nice, but she always wants me to call her no matter what. otherwise she "worries about me all the time". This seems really stupid to me, because who the (expletive deleted) does she think she is? The other problem I have is with sex. We have sex and stuff, and it's cool, but she won't give me head, and that pisses me off. What's her problem? Do you think I should dump her?

Larry

Dear Larry,

I assume you are the former neighbor from the television program Three's Company, pictured below with John Ritter.

So first off, thanks for making such great Television!!! If it weren't for the DVD collections of Three's Company my wife keeps buying, I wouldn't spend night after night watching tritely contrived and awkwardly sexual misunderstandings be resolved in a twenty minute time frame, and without that, I am nothing.

Kudos to you. I also enjoyed your other work in the film....uh.........well, your other work.

So, Larry the lady killer needs some romantic advice from the Buckman. Well, let's address the first part of your e-mail first.

Women are, what scientists have termed, "needy". So it's no suprise to me that your girlfriend wants you to call her "all the time". Girls need that. See, women, about whom I know everything, like three things. Shopping, Feelings, and Being Called on the Telephone. Once you understand that, you will reach a zen like peace of mind. So the easiest way to overcome this, is to go from defensive, to offensice.

Call her. Not onc a day. Not even twice a day. Call her every ten to fifteen minutes. Leave her cute little messages about how cute her butty-kins are. Trust me, after two days, she'll be fine with you not calling. The key to defeating a co-dependant significant other, is to be more co-dependant than they are.

As for your second problem, I can totally relate. Mrs. Buck Williams won't get near my tiny, crooked winky. I used to worry about it for a long time, until I had a talk with my Pastor. He told me that if God intended for your wee-wee to go in her mouth-y, he would have put the uteris in her throat. I learned that the only way God meant for man and woman to be together, is for the man to be on top, the woman to lay docile, and the whole sex act to take place within a two minute time frame. Anything else is a sin in the eyes of the Lord. So shame on you Larry. Shaaaaaaaame ooooooon Yooooooouuuuuu!!!!! Also, have you tried hiding your weiner in an Ice Cream Sunday? Girls love ice cream, and if you play your cards right, and suffer from premature ejaculation like I do, you can close the deal before she even catches on to what's happening.

Good Luck Larry!!!

Buck Williams vs. The Bird Flu; Round 2

2006-01-09T15:03:00.000-08:00

I've been sick, Buck believers and lovers. So my apologies for my absence.

I can't figure out why it is that I keep catching the Bird Flu Virus.

On a completely unrelated note, here's a photo of me from last week, when I was briefly a black guy.

Rooster Teeth Productions?

2006-01-01T13:47:00.000-08:00

Many of you may have heard of Rooster Teeth Productions, the comic team behind the brilliant internet series Red vs. Blue, an animation using screen captures from Halo and Halo 2, the X-Box games.

I'm as big of a fan of the series as anyone, but something suspicious happened. I went to their site recently, to see if there were any updates, and I read the christmas post they put up to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, and it looked a little but familiar:

http://panics.roosterteeth.com/home.php

or, more specifically, this image looked a little but familiar:

http://panics.roosterteeth.com/viewImage.php?f=news43aebcd7c103a&dir=news

Could it be that Rooster Teeth Productions is copying the genius that is Buck Williams? Or is merely a coincidence that they happened to use the same image Buck did to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, which took Buck a long time to find on the internet.

My hubris wants to believe that they are indeed, reading this wonderful blog, and perhaps using some of my ideas as fodder, while the suicidal side of my brain wants me to believe that my parents really hate me, and that aliens are trying to steal my sperm. So what's a boy to believe?

I mean, c'mon Rooster Teeth, you could at least give me a link or something!!!

2005; The Year In Review

2005-12-30T10:29:00.000-08:00

Hello My Beloved Public,

Well, the year 2005 is winding to a close, so I've decided to write a post about all the things I loved and hated about the year 2005. Enjoy!

Movies

Best Three Movies of the Year:

#1 - Sin City
This movie was so awesome, it defies description. Guns, girls, guns, violence, girls, Marv, guns, and finally, guns. Incredibly well written, Robert Rodriguez was smart enough to have Frank Miller, the genius and comic book god, co-direct and write the script. This movie literally made me crap my pants, vomit, and cry all at the same time. It was so beautiful, I cut my eyes out so they would never have to be subjected to something that wasn't as great as Sin City. Also, they are making two sequels.

#2 - Kung Fu Hustle
From the makers of Shaolin Soccer, this movie had everything we loved about the first, namely lots of cool Kung Fu and a great sense of humor, and does it longer, better, and more. It includes such quotes as

Ever Killed anyone?
I've always thought about it!

Let's Kill them all and make this place a brothel!

All I want is to kill you, or be killed by you!

This movie is hilarious!

#3 - King Kong
OK, so I haven't exactly seen this movie, but I know it's going to make my top 3 list. I mean, it's got Andy Serkis (i.e. Gollum) playing Kong, Adrien Brody, Jack Black, and it's directed by Peter Jackson. If the Lord of the Rings trilogy taught me anything, it's that Peter Jackson is an absolute genius. I know, you would have thought I would have recognized that after I watched Meet the Feebles in High School, but it took a bit more to convince me. I mean, any director who would have a fox singing about sodomy, has to be a genius, right? Am I right? I'm totally right. So, for your reading pleaseure, I present the song Sodomy, from the film Meet the Feebles (lyrics and music by Danny Mulheron)

Sodomy
You must think it very odd of me
That I enjoy the act of sodomy
You might call the wrath of God on me
But if you tried it then you might agree
That you enjoy the act of sodomy

Don't worry if you feel ashamed,
it's been around for years
Thousands more than can be named
are interested in rears

Don't worry about Hell,
no harm will come to your soul
We're not all pentacostal,
but everybody's got an arsehole

Let me tell you 'bout sodomy
You must think it very odd of me
That I enjoy the act of sodomy
You might call the wrath of God on me
But if you tried it then you might agree
That you enjoy the act of sodomy

It might just improve your sex,
it's a hard act to follow
A fact that fundamentalists
find difficult to swallow

So join me as I sing of an activity that's fun
Or burn up your ring
And try it front to bum Bum bum Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum

Sodomy
You must think it very odd of me
That I enjoy the act of sodomy
You might call the wrath of God on me
But if you tried it then you might agree
That you enjoy the act of sodomy

Sodomy!!

Worst Three Movies of the Year

#1 - Alone in the Dark
In this mistake of a film, they cast Tara "partially mentally retarded" Reid as an archeologist. Need I say more? Terrible.

#2 - Bewitched
Yes, I know, I should have known better. Mrs. Buck Williams, is a huge fan of old black and white T.V. shows, such as the Dick Van Dyke Show, and Bewitched, so when we saw the movie had Will Ferrel in it, we thought "How bad could it be"? Tha answer? Really, really bad. Even my wife, who is a die hard fan of the show, thought it was terrible. So bad!

#3 - Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Despite having Dragons, Witches, Wizards, Evil things, monsters, and everything else that should make an avid Dungeons and Dragons player's dream scome true, this movie still managed to be boring, insipid, and trite. Harry continues his stupid adventures trying to stop some evil guy from being evil. So evil in fact, that he actually kills people. How evil!!!!! He is joined by his two side kicks, Ron, who now looks like he's about 45, and Hermoine, who couldn't be more shrill. I stopped caring about this movie about five minutes into it, and really, ended up playing with some Mike and Ikes I found on the floor in the theater from the previous showing. So at least I got some free candy.

Music

Best Three Albums of the Year:

#1 - 13 & God - 13 & God
What can be said about Dose One? The man's a genius. He teams up with The Notwist to make an album that sounds exactly like nothing you've ever heard before. Oh, and if you don't already own Dose One's album, Them, then I hate you, and you should stop reading my blog.

#2 - Sigur Ros - Takk
My annoying coworker always asks if I'm litening to my "Whale Music" when I put this CD on. The truth is, I wish she had cancer, but that's neither here nor there. Sigur Ros are great, and this is by far their best album. They're from Iceland, so they don't sing in english, so for those of you who are too retarded to appreciate things in another language (you know who you are, you're the people who can't watch movies with subtitles!!!), then don't waste your time. This is a beautiful album.

#3 - Elbow - Leaders of the Free World
Good ol' Elbow. The most overlooked British band of all time, this is their Third Album, and although I don't think it's quite as strong as their first two, it's still a damn fine album. Especially the track "Mexican Stand-off". Why aren't these guys more popular?

Worst Three Albums of the Year

#1 - The White Stripes - Get Behind Me Satan
OK, someone needs to tell the White Stripes to stpo. Just stop guys, OK? We loved the White Blood Cells. But seriously, this stuff you're trying to sell us? It's crap! Total, and complete crap. And I swear if I get that stupid Doorbell song in my head one more time, someone is going to get shot, and it isn't going to be me.

#2 - Scott Stapp - The Great Divide
I hated Creed, but Scott Stapp alone is even worse. I have only actually heard about thirty seconds of the first single from this album, and it was so bad my eardrums actually detached themselves from my inner ear, and fled my body in fear and disgust. I sincerely hope the album title isn't some sort of veiled reference to Scott Stapp's giant butt crack. Even Jesus doesn't like this guy, and Jesus pretty much has to like everybody.

#3 - Coldplay - X & Y
Yawn. Another Coldplay album that sounds just like the first two albums, only not nearly as good. Hooray for mediocre!!!! For the band that claimed they were the greatest thing since Joy Division, these guys really aren't very impressive. Sure, the song "Fix You" is alright, but the rest of the album is terrible. Shame on you Coldplay! Is it Radiohead's fault, since they're now making albums you can't rip off because you're not good enough? Either way, you stink.

Literature

Best Three Books I Read This Year:

#1 - A Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
Similar to 1984, only more accurate, this shows us a distopian future where the world isn't controlled through fear, but instead through drugs. This book is awesome, and I only wish I had read it earlier than I did.

#2 - The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
This story of a young Afgani boy is a gut wrenching tale, told extremely well. I'm looking forward to more of this author's books. I won't tell you much of the story, because you simply have to experience them, but take my word for it, read this book.

#3 - The Stranger - Albert Camus
This book is great. It perfectly describes the sensations of our generation; alienation, impotence, and apathy. It also has one of the best opening sentences to any book I've ever read "Mother died today. Or yesterday maybe, I don't know."

Worst Three Books I Read This Year:

#1 - Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince - J.K. Rowling
Well, I've always suspected that Harry Potter was just a bad version of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, but this book cinched it. Let's see, we had the Old Wise wizard being killed. Hmmm..... Then we learned that the super villian of the series was coming to life because he created some items into which he imparted part of his soul into, so our hero has to destroy said items in order to finally banish the villain for good. Hmmm yes.......seems, vaguely familiar. Where have I heard a story kind of maybe, a little but, along those lines? J.K Rowling, you suck!

#2 - Story of the Eye - Georges Bataille
Supposedly a great, disturbing piece of literature that inspired some of Bjork's weirder works, I picked this book up expecting to be impressed. However, I wasn't. It was the most disturbing book I've ever read, barely nudging out Naked Lunch and American Psycho, but unlike those two books, this one managed to make disturbing imigary and disgusting sexual depravity pretty much boring. So I would recommend you avoid this book, unless you're really into graphic descriptions of sex where fecal matter is involved, and also necrophylia, and having hard boiled eggs rubbed on your butt. You laugh, but I'm not kidding.

#3 - The Davinci Code - Dan Brown
I hate Dan Brown. He's boring, and stupid, and extremely overrated. I read Angels and Demons a few years back, and hated it, but I finally actually read the DaVinci Code this year, thinking that maybe he's improved. I was wrong. His books read like terrible rewrites of Umberto Eco books. If you like Dan Brown, then you should read Focault's Pendulum and In the Name of the Rose. Dan Brown, you are boring!

Best Video Game of the Year

Call of Cthulhu
This game is.....so....good........it.......defies......description....
Just play the damned game. It's fantastic. Also, it's really hard.

2005, Important Historical Moments...

The Boxing Day Tsunami
With a death toll just shy of 300,000 people, the Asian Tsunami was by far, the most horrible thing that happened this year. Thankfully it happened toa bunch of poor people in a country far away from us, so no one here really needs to care about it all that much. Man, we are a country of dicks. That's right, go ahead and complain about the gas prices, you SUV driving, Starbuck's Drinkin', Walmart shopping consumerist whore. I hate you.

Hurricaine Katrina
Just when you thought it was safe to flash you're boobies to a bunch of drunken college kids in exchange for some plastic beads, a Hurricaine, or as PAt Roberts would put it, the Wrath of God, clearly put you in your place. From breached levies, to accusations of bombings, to a completely bumbled federal response, Hurricaine Katrina comes in just behind the Tsunami as the worst natural disaster of the year. Also, we got to learn how racist the American News Media is. Also, Barbara Bush is a terrible human being.

Tom Cruise Goes Completely Insane
Man, this dude has completely lost it. From lecturing Matt Lower about how terrible psychiatry is and how drugs never helped anyone, they just need more vitamins and excercise, to his rediculous performance on the Opera WIndfrey show, this dude has finally come completely unhinged. Which is really too bad, because Legend is an awesome movie.

The War in Iraq
Did you knwo there's a war going on in Iraq? Well, I was suprised to find out this year that we have, in fact, invaded Iraq. The things you learn from the internet. Suprisingly, this event has hardly received any covereage in the mainstream media. But yup, there you have it, a war.

Most Overrated Doomsday Plague: The Bird Flu Virus
Despite being told...no....despite being promised that the Avian Flu virus would usher in the end of the world, well, I'm still waiting for that one to happen. Come on Bird Flu, I haven't got all day! Where are the millions of dead I was promised?!?!?! WHERE ARE THEY?!?!?!?!

Yea, that's what I thought. Bird Flue ain't nothin' but a little ho.

The Death of a Pope
The pope died. That's pretty much it. Oh, and they picked some new creepy looking guy to be the new Pope. You know, the actor who played the Emporer in the Star Wars movies.

That's all for now. I hope ya'll have a good New Year!

Buck Williams' 10 New Years Resolutions

2005-12-29T14:56:00.000-08:00

1 - To gain 10 pounds (because losing weight is for fat people, and I ain't fat you fatties).

2 - To get more in touch with my inner child, and to then verbally abuse that child.

3 - To assume responsability for my actions, except when it's someone else's fault.

4 - Breakfast Lunch and Dinner will consist of Cheese Filled Hot Dogs.

5 - To Kick more puppies. Because I need to get in better shape before the 2008 Summer Olympics.

6 - I will follow my new mantra, "A solution is good, but a scapegoat is better".

7 - To bring back the Pogs craze, because man, those things are sweet!

8 - Before I offer any critisicm, I will walk a mile in that man's shoes, so that way, if he gets angry, he will be a mile away and only wearing socks.

9 - To only pay for sex if the price is really, really reasonable.

10 - To make sure that this year I die the way I lived, watching pornography and talking in a nasaly high pitched whine.

Merry Christmas To All!!!

2005-12-25T14:59:00.000-08:00

And a Happy New Year!

And yes, I'm posting this in advnace, since I will be out of town, away from the magical internet for the whole weekend. So leave me alone.

Dicks...

The Legendary Adventures of Erik Estrada

2005-12-23T11:56:00.000-08:00

Chapter One: The Immaculate Conception (of Erik)

There are many stories, past down from generation to generation, that teach a moral, or have cultural significance, and meaning. But none of these stories or legends are as important, as the Legend of Erik Estrada.

Our legend begins, not with a bang, or an explosion, or zombies, or an alien invasion, or top secret spy missions, but with a grunt and a premature ejaculation.

Erik's mother, Mrs. Estrada (her first name has long been lost in thr misty shroud of obscure history) was born to a poor immagrant family from mexico. They travelled the south western United States each year, following the harvest, to work for a pittance of money. Mrs. Estrada always vowed that one day, they would all pay for their insolence ("They" being a reference to every single person living in the country of the United States), and that soon she would be their Queen, High Priestess, and Rutheless ruler.

On her twentieth birthday, her parents bought her her very first birthday present ever, a used condom they found on the side of a road just outside of a state park. After boiling it for several minutes, she decided it was time to put her first gift ever to good use. But first, it needed a name.

She spent several hours contemplating the perfect name for her lucky condom, and decided on "Splotchy". It was a good name.

She made her way to her favorite bar, the Crowning Lizard, to pick up a man, and possibly become a woman (i.e. have drunken sex with a stranger which she would regret the next morning. Because that's what it means to be a woman. Or something). As she entered, her eyes were emidiatly drawn to a handsome man, wearing a full body leotard and mask colored blue and yellow, witha bright orange cape draped over his shoulders.

His name was "El Guerrero", the legendary Mexican Wrestler, and a founding member of the unstoppable trio "The Flying Jesse's". His pungent, masculine odor filled the entire bar, his five or six chest hairs just peeking ove rthe lick of his yellow and blue uniform, and the bluge in his leotard was nothing to bat an eye at. He was, in every sense of the idea, manhood made flesh.

Mrs. Estrada could feel her pulse racing as El Guerrero's eyes met hers, and then moved up and down to scan her scantily clad form. She felt his powerful masculinity, even from across the room. She couldn't resist this man, this superman of a man. With Splotchy clutched in her left hand, she walked over to El Guerrero.

"Why Hello there young lady" El Guerrero whipsered passionately into her face, his hot breath smelling of day old chalupas and dog feces. She let his humid, warm breath moisten her cheek as she blushed, and looked at the floor, nervously twisting Splotchy in her hands.

El Guerrero smiled his gape toothed crooked yellow smile, which was irrisistable to the ladies. He knew what she wanted, and he wanted it as well. He could tell, instantly, that there was more to this young, poor, Mexican immigrant than met the eye. He took her gently by the hand, and led her out to the ally.

There, he grabbed her, and kissed her. It was the first time Mrs. Estrada had ever been kissed. It tasted of old cigarettes, tequilla, and Taco Bell spicy taco sauce, which, if you don't know, when combined, is the ultimate aphrodesiac. The ykissed harder, and more passionately, and began to fumble awkwardly with each other's clothing. Soon they were leaning against the dirty, moldy ally wall, ready to make love.

"Is it in yet" Mrs. Estrada whispered huskily to El Guerrero.

"Yes.......it........ugh........" El Guerrero whispered back, shuddering. He then stepped back, and began pulling his clothing back on.

"Did you enjoy that, my little mexican china doll?" he asked.

"I suppose" Mrs. Estrada replied, unsure of what had just happened. She held out Splotchy. "So what should I do with this?" she asked?

"Wait, this wasn't your first time, was it?" El Guerrero asked as he finished pulling his leotard back on, and straightened his cape.

"Yes, it was" Mrs. Estrada said, looking sadly at Splotchy, her lucky condom.

"Uh....well, you take that home, and sleep with it under your pillow. That way, you won't ever get pregnant." El Guerrero replied. "Listen, I should go. I have your number, and I'll give you a call." he continued, hastily flagging down a cab and speeding off.

"But.....I don't even have a telephone...." Mrs. Estrada said to the empty street.

That night, Mrs. Estrada did as El Guerrero had instructed her. She placed Splotchy underneath her pillow, and closed her eyes as exhaustion slowly over took her body. And that night, she had a dream.

In that dream, She was walking down a long winding path. To her left, were Red and Blue flowers, singing in Haiku.

We Are Here
To Tell you About
Your Future

It will be filled with
A glorious child of fate
who will bring us peace

All Glory
All praise and worship
To Your Son

She moved past the meadow of Haiku flowers, and to the otter villiage, where she saw the waterfall festival was full in bloom. Little otter Children sang and danced, while the Otter Elders consulted with Bo Jackson, who discussed the coming shellfish harvest. Past the Otter Villiage lay the pink hill, and the Shrine of the Demiurge, Bea Arthur.

She approached, and found within her pockets a package of swedish fish, the delectible sweets. As she crested the pink hill, and entered the Temple of the Demiurge, she saw Bea Arthur, robed in Golden light, her bare breast exposed, for this is where the life force of all existence flows from, the source of all truth, beauty, and glory comes from Bea Arthur's perky left nipple.

"Here, take one if you will, Bea Arthur" Mrs. Estrada said as she offered Bea Arthur one of her swedish fish.

"No way, that garbage is hella nasty." Bea Arthur replied. "I feel like Mrs. Steve Guttenberg when I have one of those in my mouth."

"Oh....sorry" replied Mrs. Estrada, falling to one knee in the presence of Bea Arthur's eternal glory. "Why have I been brought here?" she asked.

"I will tell you, my dear, but first, you must rise to your feet." Bea Arthur replied. "There, now there is no need for one such as yourself to bow before the Demiurge. Now listen to me, and listen well. There is, even now, a child growing in your womb..."

"You mean, Splotchy didn't work?" Mrs. Estrada inturrupted.

"No my dear, it was not fated to work. Plus, you used it wrong. The man is supposed to wear it on his winky before you make love. But do not lose heart, for you will have many, many years of good use from Splotchy. But I digress. As I was saying, you have a seed of life growing in your womb, even now, who will change the fate of the entire universe."

"But.....why me?" Mrs. Estrada asked nervously.

"Why any of us?" Bea Arthur wisely replied. "It is not our part to question the fates, but to play out the part that has been given us. It is your place to gaurd this child, until he is old enough to look after himself. Keep him safe, and bring him up in the same loving manner that your parents raised you." She continued.

"I....guess I could do that." Mrs. Estrada replied.

"You can, and you must, for this boy is more important than any of us could ever imagine. Go now, with my blessing Mrs. Estrada, and fulfill your fate." Bea Arthur said, letting out a silent but violent fart, and hoping to excuse Mrs. Estrada before she smelled it. Mrs. Estrada began to leave the temple, but turned, and asked one final question.

"Demiurge, you have been more than kind and patient with me, but I must know, what should I name him?"

Bea Arthur closed her eyes, and the light coming from her grew in intensity, and her voice became even more mannish (if that's possible), and she said "Eric. His name shall be Eric."

With that, Mrs. Estrada left, but not before hearing in the back ground Bea Arthur's cell phone ringing, and her answering it.

"Hello? Oh, Hi, Blanche, how are you? Oh gross! Blanche, honestly, that's gross. You are too old to be having anal sex, and honestly, I don't even know what "chilli doggin'" is, and I don't want to know. You know, you're the reason..."

And with that. Mrs. Estrada woke up.

The Best Movie I've Seen Since Sin City

2005-12-22T21:12:00.000-08:00

Yes ladies and gentelmen, I have a movie recommendation for you. No, it's not what you're thinking. I'm not going to recommend that pro-bestiality film King Kong, simply because I haven't seen it yet (something I hope to remedy before the weekend is over). No, this is a strange, surreal little movie from Japan, that was so awesome, I literally crapped my pants and then stuffed the feces in my mouth. It's that good. I wouldn't sya I liked it more than Sin City, but I'll be damned if it didn't give it a run for it's money as the best comic book movie ever made (it's based on a japanease manga).

Uzumaki

"Uzumaki" means "Spiral" in English, and that's the major element to the film. The story is based around a young high school girl named Kirie, who has a not so hot boyfriend with a weird mole right on the tip of his nose.

Does anyone else keep smelling skin cancer, or is it just me?

So Kirie's village folk keep becoming more and more obsessed with the shape of a spiral.

What? That sounds lame.

Yea, that's what I thought at first too. But then, instead of lame, it turned out to be completely awesome in every way. Kirie's mole faced boyfriend's father especially seems obsessed, purchasing any and everything he can find with spirals on them.

If eating fish and tofu spirals is crazy, then I don't wanna be sane...

Crazy is as crazy does my friends. Yes, the premise seems weird, but for some reason, it works. Mostly, because there really isn't an explanation for the events, just the events themselves, and it's the story they don't tell that makes the movie so intriguing. That, and it's uber-creepy.

Hmm.....maybe excessive masturbation does ruin your eyes

Yup. This movie is pretty much the best thing ever. I won't tell you anything else about the movie, because I don't want to ruin it for you, but take my advice, and see this awesome movie. It may eventually make it into my top five movies of all time list, which is currently as follows.

#1 - Dancer In the Dark

#2 - Requiem For a Dream

#3 - The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (I consider them one 12 hour movie of awesome)

#4 - The Three Colors (the Red, White, and Blue Trilogy)

#5 - Sin City

If you disagree with the list, then you probably have aids. If not, I hope you get it soon. Dick.

The "We're Right and You're Wrong" Offical Themesong

2005-12-21T13:22:00.000-08:00

A very profound and special thanks to Macky, for writing this wonderful theme song.

Sing it loud.
Sing it proud.

he right you wrong song

(begin wiht big gutiar play here for lot of beats)

)then sing)

oh oh oh baby. he know what he say, say, sya
he buck with big teslitcles, he say it all day

he right. you wrong.
this is buck song. buck buck buck song.

buck carrie small dog in his arm
(yay yay yay)
but he never like give dog the harm
(nay, nya, nay)
why you talking when you not right???
(why why why)
big mean buck, he punch out the light
(ow, ow, ouchies)

he right. you wrong.
go way now. move along. move move moev....along

(put guitar exsplosiun in here. so much giutar)

(after some beats talk soft, like whipser)

you did it now, you guy. you make buck willams mad.
he want to punch kids in their faces.
and spit on graves of yuo uncles.
why you do? why you do this? why?
when you know you wroooooonnnnngG???

he right! you wrong!
(evrybody song!)
he right! you wrongs!
(louder. macky can't here you!)
he right! you wrong!

and that the way it goes for buck willmans...

(guitar sotp here)

written 2005 by macky musics copany.

I Hate You Jessica Simpson

2005-12-20T15:52:00.000-08:00

I just did a search of Jessica Simpson on google news, and came back with 3,710 different websites purporting to have "news" about Jessica Simpson. The question that we, as people who use th internet, have to ask ourselves is, why the hell is anything Jessica Simpson does considered news?

Hint: If you don't want everyone to know you are gay, do not pose for photos with Jessica Simpson while wearing blush...

But Buck, Jessica and Nick are getting divorced. My God, it's the most important thing to happen in Hollywood since...well...you know....something else inane happened.

Yes, I get it, Jessica and Nick, unpredictably, are getting a divorce. I must admit, I'm shocked. Deeply, deeply shocked. Not because I believe that celebrity marriages are really that stable, but I'm shocked that Nick Lachey (or however the hell you spell his name) is moving on, because frnakly, no one knew who he was before he married the vacant blonde, and odds are, he will disappear back into the sea of obscurity from whence he came. I like to call it the Stamos effect.

Oh My God! Why did I leave Rebecca Romijn? Well, at least I still have my career to fall back on............damn.

So why are Nick and jessica so popular? I just can't figure that riddle out. I mean, sure, they are the Ken and Barbie of the modern era:

Jessica and Nick, made from 100% recyclable plastic

But do they have anything of substance to say? Have they contributed to our society in any sort of meaningful way?

The short answer is: No.

The long answer is: What? Of course not! Why the hell are you even asking me that, you retard!

I know many people have devoted lengthy blog posts to quoting Jessica and Nick, saying "Oh my gosh, these people are so stupid, it's funny". No. You are wrong, and it needs to stop. Seriously. Stop buying their records. Stop watching their T.V. shows filled with insipid, completely fake, and pre-written incedents. Stop buying magazines with Jessica's plastic looking face and body plastered all over them. Just stop. Walk away.

Don't you see the greater damage you're doing to the world? You see, Jessica Simpson lowered the bar so low, that now we have Ashlee Simpson! I blame you, the viewers, for Ashlee. Had we never paid any attention to Jessica, her younger, more whorish, uglier sister would never have surfaced, and perhaps I could still watch T.V. without violently vomiting out my mouth, nose, and eyes everytime I see her ugly, Paris Hilton-esque face talking about how great of an artist she is.

Seriously, if I catch any of you contributing to the Simpson problem in any way shape or form, I will invite myself over to your house, not remove my dirty shoes, and slap your children.

Monday Fun Facts (Now On Wednesday!)

2005-12-14T09:52:00.000-08:00

In an attempt to please my favorite anonymous poster, who is convinced that with the advent of my good friend Triple-V joining team Buck Williams, this Blog will no longer be interesting. I assure you, this is not the case.

So, I'd like to dedicate this session of the Monday Fun Facts (Now On Wednesdays!) to my most favorite anonymous commenter, Mr. Anonymous. Or, as I like to call him, Jim.

A Collection of Wisdom, Truth, and Interesting Factoids that are all 100% true.

1 - There is a long standing rule in the bathroom accessories business, that all shower curtains must be either clear, beige, green, or have little rain clouds on them. Any variation from this rule is punishable by death.

2 - Soap tastes bad, but soap mixed with poop and charcoal really isn't too bad.

3 - All hold music is universally terrible. I blame Ted Nugent. You win this round Nuge, but the war is far from over...

4 - If I were ever to start up a dot com business, it would be an online service where you can order a variety of pancake products via the web, and have the delivered directly to your doorstep, piping hot, and slathered in syrup. I would name it the ROFL House.

5 - If I ever go to hell, I imagine it would be being handcuffed to Chris Tucker for all eternity, and he will have an unlimited supply of pixie sticks and a megaphone.

6 - Scientists have recently discovere that the Dinosaurs did not go extinct because of a metoer, or an ice age, but it was in fact because Hootie and the Blowfish were, at one time, popular.

7 - I think it's very misleading to tell people that they should but a dog before they have kids, to learn what it's like to have children. Mostly because the kids I know don't sniff your crotch, crap on the floor, hump your leg, and then die when they are fifteen.

8 - December always makes me think of my most favorite rhyme from my childhood, which my Dad taught to me. Snow, Snow, the magical fruit, the more you eat, the less you have to shovel. Thanks Dad!!!

9 - While taking a crap at work, it is considered extremely rude to talk loudly on your cellphone. Also, why the hell are you taking a crap at work?

10 - Vinny, or Triple-V as he likes to be called for some reason, is such a hard alchoholic, that he had the phrase "If my liver ain't bleedin', I ain't had enough yet" tatooed on his inner thigh.

11 - Scientists and Doctors have discovered that the part of the brain that is responsible for obsessivly collecting pornography is called the "Ijackoffum Lonleybellum", and is located between the "Hypothalimus", and the "Eatmyboogersum".

12 - Of all the possible meals that you can eat for breakfast, "Sausage and Eggs" is by far the least sexual and phallic. Which is why I don't eat them.

13 - For all you ladies who are trying to attract that certain special 20 something hipster boy with black framed glasses, try taping a copy of the Decemberist's latest album to your boobs. It's never failed me yet.

14 - Triple-V's other famous tatoo is on his chest. It reads "If you can read this, my shirt fell off."

15 - I thank God every day for cell phone camera's, without which I would not be able to send my friends photo's of my wang all day long.

16 - If I worked for the Food Network, I would want to work in the Egg Roll department, because there are too many Asain Food Restaurants that suck at making them.

17 - When Eminem wakes up every morning, he has to look in the mirror, and punch himself in the stomach to make sure he has his proper rap face on.

18 - The greatest victory in my whole life was in third grade, when I told little Jimmy Macenroy that my Dad could beat up his Dad. His Dad was dead at the time. VICTORY!!!

19 - Some people think that Bigfoot has it rough, but in reality, I would trade jobs with that guy anyday. You get to run around in the woods, naked, and be filmed by random people with shaky hands. It's kind of like being Jenna Jameson, only without the waxing.

20 - My favorite color in the universe is Yellow. Why? Because apporximately 50% of the substance that comes out of my body on a daily basis is that color.

2005-12-13T12:38:00.000-08:00

Peons of the internet domain! You have heard the official "spin" on why the name of the blog has changed. Now hear the REAL story:

By the time you are reading this, your beloved Buck Williams is, in all probability, dead (or getting Chinese take-out, I forget which). In any case, his autocratic "I'm Right" regime has been overthrown in a bloody, Latin-American-style coup and replaced by a more communally-oriented, "We're Right" regime. It is important to note, however, that, under either regime, you're still wrong.

Anyway, if you're going to be governed by a new overlord, you may as well know his name. Alright... Alright... Buck is still your overlord, but you have to listen to me too. I mean face it... who else is going to tell you what to think? Other than U2's Bono, I mean... but I digress.
My name is Vincent V. Valmont. I first met Buck Williams at a "Convention for the Improbably-Named" in Mitchell, South Dakota. (A note to all you loyal readers: Buck's real first name is Buford. Seriously, I kid you not.) He saw the trophy I won for "Best Alliterative Name" and was so bedazzled by its shiny-ness that he asked me to write for his blog.

At first I was skeptical. "A 'blog?'" I remarked, "Come on."

"Yeah, man, a blog." Buck replied.

And his argument carried the day.

So here I am, mortgaging any remaining chance I had of getting a date and writing on the internet instead. The shame is almost overwhelming.

Anyhow, you'll hear from me occasionally, mostly just to chime in and contradict Buck. I hate that guy.

Good day to all.

Vincent Gallo Has Lost His Mind

2005-12-13T12:35:00.000-08:00

Yes folks, it's official. Vincent Gallo has gone completely insane.

Vincent Gallo (before insanity)

Now, don't get me wrong. I am a huge Vincent Gallo fan. I loved Buffalo '66, and for those who have not seen it, you should, because it's phenominal. I also am a big fan of his music, and his paintings. I even thought Brown Bunny was pretty good. All in all, he's an amazing artist.

Who also happens to have completely lost his mind.

His website has a section for merchandise. Under miscelanious, you will find any of the following christmas gifts which you can purchase for your friends who are also mentally unbalanced.

1 - Vincent Gallo's Daily Read The Wit and Wisdom of Yogi Berra. Autographed by Vincent Gallo
2 - Vincent Gallo's only Surviving Racing Glove From His Last Motorcycle Race (circa 1989). Autographed by Vincent Gallo
3 - Vincent Gallo's Childhood Nixon Campaign Pin. Autographed Box
4 - Vincent Gallo's St. Anthony Medallion From His 1st Holy Communion
5 - Vincent Gallo's Childhood Hopalong Cassidy Bedspread
6 - Authentic Charles Manson ArtworkGiven to Vincent Gallo on his 33rd birthday by Johnny Ramone

Weird, eh?

But that's not the best. The real winner, priced at 1 Million Dollars is...

Vincent Gallo's Sperm

That's right, for just 1 Million Dollars, you can own some authentic Vincent Gallo jizz. Having trouble how to express your feelings this Christmas to your sweetheart? Well, nothing says I love you more than a tablespoon of another man's baby juice.

But it get's evey better. Here are some of the fantastic excerpts that are actually on the webpage, describing the semen for sale.

Price includes all costs related to one attempt at an in-vitro fertilization. (A $50,000 value) If the first attempt at in vitro fertilization is unsuccessful, purchaser of sperm must pay all medical costs related to additional attempts. Mr. Gallo will supply sperm for as many attempts as it takes to complete a successful fertilization and successful delivery.

If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000. However, if after being presented detailed photographs of the purchaser, Mr. Gallo may be willing to waive the natural insemination fee and charge only for the sperm itself.

Mr. Gallo is 5'11" and has blue eyes. There are no known genetic deformities in his ancestry (no cripples) and no history of congenital diseases. If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it's a boy. (8 inches if he's like his father.) I don't know exactly how a well hung father can enhance the physical makeup of a female baby, but it can't hurt.

and finally, the real kicker:

Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration. In fact, for the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes. Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount. Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar.

Aaahhh......now that's some tastey old school crazy right there.

You can read the entire description, along with the description of the other items for sale on his personal website:

http://vgmerchandise.com/misc.html

That dude is crazier than Courtney "I Wish She Would Die" Love.

The Times, They Are A'Changin'...

2005-12-12T20:16:00.000-08:00

Some of you may have noticed the blog has changed it's name from "I'm Right and You're Wrong" to "We're Right and You're Wrong".

Well, that's because there are now two writers on your favorite blog of all time. An old friend of mine has decided to finally start contributing to society in some sort of fashion, other than using up valueable resources and then dying. I'll allow him to introduce himself, but please, be kind, he's a bit slow.

Richard Pryor 1940-2005

2005-12-11T10:52:00.000-08:00

The greatest stand up comedian of all time. You will be missed.

Buck Williams' Letter To Santa

2005-12-09T22:59:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa Claus,

I haven't written you for quite awhile, but I must say, I've been quite a big fan for some time now. I thought I would take this oppourtunity to write you a letter, since I know you probably read my blog, just like everyone else who is cool, and worth two cents.

I visited your website (www.claus.com), and first of all, is that honestly the best you can do? I mean, do none of your elves do HTML or Flash? Because frankly, I found the animations sub par, the content boring, and the games kind of weak. I took your "Naughty or Nice" test, and this is what it said:

"Still very much on nice list, but must continue good behavior. Should eat more vegetables instead of junk food. Was very polite last Thursday! When doing chores, needs to do them as well as possible. Often exhibits good behavior. "

First of all, don't tell me what to do, you shrivelled old sack of potatos! I've got sweatsocks that are older than you, you cookie eating, fat chick banging, bearded freak. So let's not act all hoity-toity and condescending. I'm not the freak who runs around in a sleigh, sneaking into houses while the little children are asleep so I can bribe their affection with gifts, and maybe take a sneak peek at mommy's sleeping body, you old perv.

Screw you, and screw your vegitables. Vegitables suck! If God didn't intend for me to eat junk food, he wouldn't have made it taste so damn good. So quit picking on me, just because I don't like drinking aflalfa and spinach power juices, you vegan butt cyst. I hope you succumb to the nothing like in the movie the Never Ending Story.

As for last Thursday, screw you Santa! I wasn't being polite to that retard because I like retarded little kids with runny noses. I was being nice to him because I was going to find out where he lived so I could steal his prescription drugs later that night. Which I did. Man, nothing get's you more high than anti-seziere drugs.

And was I exhibiting good behaviour when I was getting it on with your mother and Mrs. Claus at the same time? I hope so, because I video taped it, and will be distributing it's contents on the internet in the near future. As a teaser, here's a photo of Mrs. Claus, getting ready to make sweet, sweet love to me.

Now, since I'm still on your "Nice" list, per your website, here is my Christmas Present list. And I swear to God Claus, if anything is missing this year, you will live to regret it.

1 - A Ninja Sword
2 - A Ninja Throwing Star Set
3 - A Ninja Outfit
4 - The Complete Michael Bolton Collection
5 - Richard Simmon's Head On A Platter
6 - Break Dancing Clothes
7 - A Pony
8 - A Train That Shoots Fire and Bullets
9 - A Chemistry Set
10 - A New Sister
11 - A Camo Thong
12 - G.I. Joe Extreme Winter Base Playset
13 - Vultron (not the toys, the real thing)
14 - A New Hairdo
15 - Sex in the City Season 4
16 - Peace on Earth, Goodwill Toward Men
17 - Hatred and Lesbianism Toward Women
18 - A Chocalate Cake With Those Metal Bead Sprinkle THings
19 - A Maid. A Really Hot Maid.
20 - Some Nice Dress Socks

I frickin' hate you Santa Claus!

(And to all my fans and friends out there, I'm interested to see your letter to Santa Claus. You post it, I read it!)

Random Thoughts About Things

2005-12-01T13:20:00.000-08:00

The best place to go to the bathroom when your toilet is clogged up, is in a nice, long sweatsock. But you have to make sure that 1 - You don't have diarhea, and 2 - that it's not your sweatsock, because that would be gross!

I think it's a mistake for ugly women to get pregnant. I mean, yea, good job you, you know, but it's not just your life you're affecting, it's the life of your soon to be ugly child. How dare you be so selfish!

I get pretty tense in social situations. I can never tell what's appropriate and what isn't, which is why, at my last job, I was fired for licking my coworkers hair. It seemed like a great idea at the time, but once I pulled my pants down, apparently that threw up some red flags.

The grossest thing in the entire universe, was when I went to my friend's house in fifth grade, and his older brother was lying on their couch without a shirt on, and his mom was scratching his back achne, or backne, and it sounded like someone was twisting bubble wrap, what with all the zits popping. The second grossest thing in the entire universe is Chocolate Flavored Soda Pop.

If I were a superhero, my super power would be to turn every person with terrible breath into tiny little chocolate mints. That way, the only person left in the universe would be myself, and my sidekick, Pickle Boy.

Last wednesday, I met death. He wasn't really that bad of a guy. He came in, we played some Street Fighter Two (I totally pwned him. He likes to play Guile, which frankly is a joke), ate some ice cream cones (He likes Raspberry, which is kind of a weird flavor if you ask me), and then he killed my mom. All in all, not to bad of a day.

If I ever take a hostage, I think a good idea would be to give them a hair cut, because I have such an impeccible sense of style anyway, it would probably be an improvement. Plus they'd be so grateful, they probably wouldn't press charges if things would go bad, because hey, free haircut.

The reason I'm not a huge fan of mexican food, is because it looks and smells the same going into my body as it does coming out of my body. Plus, Mexican people are waaaaaay to salty, and high in cholesterol. I prefer a nice sandwich made from a skinny vegan from California. Now that's some good eatin'!!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

2005-11-24T00:05:00.000-08:00

The Delicious, Greasy, Pimply Skin is the best part!

ENJOY YOUR TURKEY!!!!

Buck Williams' Guide To Being Awesome: Chapter 1 - Looking Keen

2005-11-22T11:37:00.000-08:00

As a result of the great feedback I received in regards to Buck Williams' Guide to beign a blogger, I've decided to start a series of public service articles, which when coupled together in their totality, will become the ultimate guide to honing your awesomeness. Most consider me a guru of being totally sweet at things, and I feel someone as great as me should give something back to the community. So here is the first chapter, in what will someday be considered the new Bible of Awesome.

Chapter 1: Looking Keen

There are many people who will tell you that "Looks aren't everything", or "Beauty is fleeting", or "I'd rather be a good person, than a good looking person". Well, let me be the first to tell you, that these are the lies that ugly people have to tell themselves, in order to find a reason to keep their hidious selves breathing. Because let's be realistic here, if an ugly person was ever truly honest with themselves, and took a good look in the mirror, they'd be eating a ham sandwich with a side of rat poison for lunch, to put their ugly selves out of our misery.

In fact, if you are one of those unfortunates born with the ugly curse, please stop reading my blog right now, because gross! I don't want your creepy, weird eyes and bad skin scanning across the precious words in this blog. And if any angry uglies are going to type nasty comments, would you please type through a napkin? Thanks so much!

OK, now that all the uglies are gone, the rest of us can continue to have our conversation about keeping a Keen Appearance.

One cannot over emphasize the importance of hygiene and grooming. I mean, do you want to look like this?

My Uncle Thadius Humbuckle, who is visiting us for the Holidays would like to share a few words:

"Why I do declare my young friends, that whilst I am as parched as a misused draft animal, and will happily admit to an indefatigable prediliction for that most toothsome of cheese flavored snacks, none other than the "Cheese It", I would sooner have my name besmirched with that most greivous of labels, Yankee, than neglect the sanitation of my dental fissure. For a true gentleman would sooner hasten his journey from this mortal coil than defame the percosious and precious olifactory senses of a lovely Dixie Flower."

Now, why is it so important to have a sharp appearance? Why, money of course!

You see, the modern business world is nothing more than a veiled form of prostitution. And those who have the most stuff to strut, succeed with the greatest ease. Ladies, you have breasts for a reason. Would you like a promotion? Then perhaps a pump up bra to excentuate the positive, and a red thong that the outline can subtly be seen beneath the white skirt you so casually wear is in order. You must find the balance however, as you do not want to appear slutty, just absentmindedly generous with your appearance. "Oops, I didn't realize my top three buttons had come undone! How emberassing!"

"You're Hired!"

And for you men out there, remember, a nice butt can go a long way. Did you know that I can actually crack and eat a walnut entirely with my butt cheeks? It's true! And let's just say I didn't get into my current cushy, high paying job on skill alone. Let's pretend my boss's name is....Michael (hypothetically of course). Our exchange would go something like this:

"Hello Buck, is there something I can help you with, while I listen to my favorite band Wilco?"

"Well sir, I just wanted to stop by and say that I....oh dear! What a clutz I am! I just dropped my pen, I guess I'd better bend over and pick it up"

"...Buck... I just realized that I have a wonderful position in mind for you. Um...What I mean is...Uh....You're Hired!!!"

It's as simple as that my friends. As simple as that.

I guess this chapter is done now, because I'm bored.

Buck Williams Presents: Monday Fun Facts

2005-11-14T14:25:00.000-08:00

A collection of wisdom and interesting factoids that are all 100% true.

1 - The key to forming a successful band is to combine two established genres of music into a new genre and style of music. My new band is combining black metal and polka. We're called "The Tourettes Family Fun Band".

2 - Instead about worrying about children being left behind, maybe we should focus more efforts on Kirk Cameron being left behind.

3 - The person who runs http://ohthosescrickets.blogspot.com/ is a complete twat, and looks and smells like Louie Anderson. (This person apparently thinks my blog is a waste of space, and that I should quite the ol' blog circuit)

4 - Whenever I hear someone rapping along with the rap music at my local best buy, I am forced to immediatly challenge them to a battle rap, right there in the video game isle, and in the end, it is the music industry that wins.

5 - Scientists have announced that the worst invention of the 20th century was hotdogs with cheddar cheese already inside them. They were closely followed by pant suites.

6 - Back Aches are nature's way of saying "Your head is to heavy, fathead".

7 - I think all small children who run through the toy store, and push me out of the way by touching my butt should be dragged out into the street and shot.

8 - This last weekend I learned that being hit in the face seven times with a ball peen hammer does not make the Killers sound like any better of a band.

9 - The American Dream is no longer a large house with a white picket fence and 2.5 children. Apparently now it is having sex as much as possible before expiring from a drug overdose in a smelly apartment with neighbors who watch spanish T.V. all day.

10 - Blogger would be much more helpful if it had political templates such as "Rant accusing other party of cheating/lying", "Rant about how immoral the other party is" or "Rant about why they should legalize ______"

11 - Did you know that you can buy special crystals which have been blessed by a priest to channel positive energies, and this will solve your problems, which are a result of negatively charged energies invading your body. Also, I have a bag of magic beans to sell you.

12 - Nobody has ever had the thought "Man, I could really use a good panflute right now." Not even once.

13 - Sometimes I like to bread and fry a hot dog in pork rind crumbs. That way, I can get the highest pork density possible, and also eat something really disgusting.

14 - Blind people are a lot like flower. Flowers that forgot how to see.

15 - Haiku's really suck. We should put an end to them. Cherry blossoms fade.

16 - The best idea I ever had was when I decided to make a marshmellow, peanut butter, and chocolate syrup sandwich. It was delicious.

17 - When my first ever girlfriend broke up with me, she said "I still love you, but I love you like I love a brother. No wait, I don't love you like that. It's more like how I love leaving a sack of smelly potatos in a crowded movie theater".

18 - There is no song worse than the song "Let it snow". Except maybe anything by Ricky Martin.

19 - When you're talking to your doctor about your wife's pregnancy, do your best to not mix the term "fetal" and "fecal" up, because apparently there is a big difference between the two. Trust me on this one.

20 - When I was a little kid, I imagined the future to be filled with robots, flying cars, and trips to outer space. I never expected it to be filled with Fat People, Bad Drivers, and More Comercials.

21 - This will likely be the last Monday Fun Facts for a long time, because I am tired of them, and they are boring to me now.

The Legend of Buck Williams and the Terrible Soccer Game

2005-11-10T09:30:00.000-08:00

Allow me to tell you a story about a man by the name of Buck Williams. You see, Buck Williams enjoyed playing soccer. He had fun, and was reasonably good at the game. In fact, Buck Williams spent two years of his life in South America, where, every morning, he would play soccer with his South American friends for a couple of hours. He wasn't great, but he could hold his own, and he learned a lot.

So, a few weeks ago, one of Buck Williams' friends asked him to play on an indoor soccer team. Buck was excited about the prospect of playing soccer again, as it had been a few years since he last played. It was a co-ed league that they asked him to play in. He initially agreed, but when he found out most of the games will be before he is done with work, he told them he likely would not be able to participate. But, they were apparently a man down for their first game, so Buck graciously ducked out of work early to help them out in their time of need.

Let it never be said that Buck Williams is not altruistic.

So Buck Williams met Mrs. Williams in the parking lot of his workplace, and Mrs. Williams drove him to the game, so that Buck could change clothes in the seat next to her. Upon their arrival, Buck met the rest of the team, most of whom he did not know prior to the game they were about to play. Three of his friends were on the team, one who was playing Goalie, and Buck had never seen him play before, and as such, was slightly dubious about his skills on the field. But, as I said, Buck was enthusiastic and excited about playing the game. Another of Buck's close friends, who is also a talented soccer player, was late arriving to the game, so Buck's team had only one sub to begin.

Now, Buck loves playing soccer, but he hates playing midfield, because midfield is for suckers who like to run. Buck is neither a sucker, nor is a transvestite, but that's neither here nor there. Basically put, Buck is a good sprinter, but not a good long distance runner. So he was told he would be playing forward.

So the game began, and Buck waited patiently on the sidelines, as he was the first sub. About five minutes into the game, the midfield player asked for Buck to sub. So he got stuck playing midfield. Buck began to play as he had in South America. The only problem was, the other players on the field were not used to playing like South Americans. In fact, in Buck's best estimation, this may have been the first soccer game many of them had played since third grade. With the exception of the goalie, Buck's team was inept at best, emberrassing if one were being honest in their description.

And so, in an attempt to help the team both in offense and defense, like a good midfielder should, Buck began running the length of the field, over, and over, and over. After about ten minutes, his legs felt like rubber,and he felt as though someone had injected his lungs with a frothy mixture of rubber cement, mace, and napalm. During his ten minutes on the field, the other team scored three times, and Buck's team had scored twice (with two assists from Buck himself).

So Buck asked for a sub, and sat down to rest. And that was when things got extremely ugly. Now poor Buck's friend who was playing goalie, was doing an amazing job. He made spectacular save after spectacular save. When Buck's other friend showed up, it helped somewhat, as he was a skilled player, but sadly, by the end of the first half, despite the Goalie's best efforts, Buck's team was losing, 8-2.

Now that's a pretty bad score. Buck was exhausted, and spent all his time off the field simply trying to catch his breath. But, as Buck would learn, there is apparently a rule that if a team is down by 6 points, they can add an extra player to the field. So Buck's team did just that. So their team had one more player than the opposing team, which should have been a great advantage. But it wasn't.

Buck's team apparently did not understand two very important concepts in the game of soccer. #1 - You need to pass the ball. Rather than pass the ball, Buck's teammates seem to think that the best strategy was to dribble the ball into the nearest defender, or to kick the ball as hard as they could out of bounds. Suprisingly, this strategy did not seem to work. #2 - When you are put in a specific position on the field, you should play that position. For example, if you are on defense, you should play defense, not offense. And if you decide to come up to give the offense a hand, and the other team steals the ball away, you should try to get back to help the defense, instead of just standing where you are, panting, leaving one defender alone with three of the opposing team members shooting, and scoring. Buck repeatedly found himself switching positions mid game, because the defense needed help, even though he was supposed to be playing forward.

Sadly, even with an extra player on the field, Buck's team ended up losing the game 14 - 2. Buck was so tired by the end of the game, he felt like he was going to throw up, feint, or possibly a combination of the two which may have resulted in his death.

When asked by a reporter to sum up his teams performance, Buck was heard to say this:

"Listen, I thought it wasn't possible to suck that bad. I mean literally, I didn't think it was physically possible to play soccer that terribly. We looked like a bunch of retarded children in helmets, running around in circles, kicking eachother in the shins. I'm suprised there wasn't more drool involved in the whole process."

5 Musicians Who Should Use A Grenade Suppository

2005-11-08T09:47:00.000-08:00

Hello Buck lovers and believers.

My apologies, once again, for not posting more frequently. I decided to find out what it's like to be crazy, so I spent the last week sitting in the dark of my basement, reading Catcher in the Rye, while smearing feces all over my naked body, killing and eating rats to drink their blood, and masterbating all over my favorite Hello Kitty backpack. It was fun, but I decided it was time to rejoin the land of the living. So, without further ado, here are the five musicians that, if I were McGuyver, and they were trapped in a room with a bomb that only I could disarm using a bicycle tire, some string cheese, and an old Peter Frampton album, I would simply walk away.

Gwen Stefani

I hate you Gwen Stefani. Nobody likes you. Nobody ever liked you. And, I hear you smell like cottage cheese and cigrettes. No Doubt is argueably, the worst and most overrated band of the 90's. Trust me, I saw them live when I went to see a Weezer concert shortly after their masterpiece, Pinkerton came out. We were all insulted that Weezer played first, but one of the friends who I went to the show with really wanted to watch No Doubt play, so the rest of us stood out in the hallway of the venue, and waited through a fifteen minute version of "I'm Just a Girl". By the end of the night, we had all jabbed heated needles into our ears to make the pain stop. Her new album, suprisingly, is even worse. They really scrapped the bottom of the pop-music barrel for that disaster. Although perhaps her most lyrically challenging album, as she proves once and for all that she can indeed spell the word "bananas", musically, I would rather listen to Ol' Bill Tabernacle rape a rabid squirrel than listen to this album.

Dave Matthews

Now, I'll admit, Dave Matthews has his nitch in society and american culture. But for those of us who don't smoke a lot of weed, and who find seventeen minute saxaphone solos tedious, it seems a tad unfair that we have to be subjected to Mr. Matthews' brand of psychological torture. Here's a hint to all aspiring musicians. If you listen to the first recording of your voice, and realize that you sound exactly like a very famous and popular muppet, for example, kermit the Frog, then perhaps the position of lead singer in your band could go to someone with a less annoying tamber. I'm only speaking hypothetically here, of course, but hypothetically, Dave Matthews should be dragged out behind the ol' woodshed, and put down like Ol' Yeller.

Kelly Clarkson

What can I say about Kelly Clarkson? Very little I suppose. She's just plain terrible. Once again, proof, that the majority of American's have their heads stuck so far up their bums they could lick their colons. I mean, who honestly came up with the idea for American Idol? Let's elect who the next over priveledged, untalented, overproduced musical hack will be, and because we say so, America will eat it up! Well, whoever came up with the idea is a frickin' genius! The only thing that could make the prank that is Kelly Clarkson being a star any better, is if in a few years she makes the jump to politics. You know, because, like, there's just so much bad stuff out there, you know, and like, she just wants to, you know, make a difference or whatever. Kelly Clarkson makes me want to kill myself.

Marilyn Manson

Remember when everyone thought Marilyn Manson was all scary and crap, and then he sold a bunch of albums. And then do you remember how people just stopped caring about Marilyn Manson, when they realized it's all just a crappy act, and that he's simply an attention whore without a shred of talent? Then do you remember how nobody bought his latest album? Can you even name his most recent album? The last one I heard about was called Mechanical Animals, and that was a looooooong time ago. Thank you Marilyn Manson, for drifting back into the sea of obscurity from whence you came. No longer will I have to see your drooping, wrinkly butt cheeks on television. No longer will I have to hear your nasaly voice speak of how stupid everyone else is, and how the censers are keeping your album sales down. Sorry Marilyn, whatever draw there was to your first hit album, was put there by Trent Reznar. You suck, your parents suck, and all you need is a nice hug,and maybe some prozak. And honestly, who wouldn't like to see Marilyn in a Good Will Hunteing-esque scene?

It's not your fault Marilyn......It's not your fault....

Ashlee Simpson (aka Paris Hilton Jr.)

And lastly, we come to the train wreck that is Ashlee Simpson. With her weird looking face, her terrible voice, and her lip syncing debacles, she really doesn't require much of a commentary. But what the heck, I'll give it a try anyway. Firstly, whoever her P.R. person is, Milli Vanilli needs to look into hiring them, because their lip syncing scandal destroyed their career. Yet somehow, despite looking like a total rod on live television, Ashlee seems to be just as popular as ever. And what's worse, is she kind of looks like Paris Hilton, the ugliest porn star alive. And mark my words, soon enough, Paris Hilton will be a porn star. Once everyone realizes that she is a no talent hack (which is starting to occur, thank the gods) the little attention whore will have to resort to more sex videos to stay in the lime light.

But we're not here to talk about Paris Hilton. We're here to talk about Jessica Simpson's ugly pug of a sister. Ashlee, nobody really likes you. You have to know this by now. The only reason you were even considered for a record deal was because fo your sister, and all the hype is completely artificial. You are only popular because you can afford to buy popularity. Someday you're going to realize this, and take a good long look at the joke that is your life and career, and finally do us all a favor by having a bullet sandwich. I hope you get ovarian cancer, so at the very least, your genetic traits will not be passed on, because I don't want my children to have to suffer through your insipid trite music like I have had to.

Buck Williams Attempts Some Political Humor

2005-10-28T13:55:00.000-07:00

Hey Look Everyone! It's the two symbols of the Republican Party! An Elephant, and a Fat White Couple Who Are Afraid Of Change!!!

Buck Williams' Guide To Being An Excellent Blogger

2005-10-27T13:46:00.000-07:00

Hello Perverts!

The other day, an atractive young woman came up to me and asked for my autograph. Now, this is by no means an abnormal event for someone as good looking as I am, but what set this groupie apart from your standard Buck Williams fair, was that she knew me from my most excellent blog, and recognized my hot, handsome features. She asked me to sign her chest, which seemed somewhat inappropriate since Mrs. Buck Williams was standing right there, and her bossoms were much more ample and firm, so we compromised and I signed her elbow.

But regardless, I thought I would do the charitable thing, and create a guide for all you other bloggers out there who have no groupies. If you follow my advice, I gaurantee you will be rolling in the monies, the ladies, and the wedgies. It's hot, just like me.

So You Want To Be A Blogger!

So, you think your opinion is interesting enough, no, important enough for people to read? Do you like swearing? Do you like making fun of things? Or, do you like writing really bad poetry? Perfect! Then blogging is for you. There are a few personality traits that we must discuss first though, to make sure you understand how a blogger should act.

1 - Narcissism

Remeber, you are the only important person on earth. Everything you say is right, important, and should be listened to. It's usually because you are the greatest human being on earth. You are mor eclever than everyone else, more insightful, and better looking. Your life is incredibly interesting. So much so that everyone should read about it. Daily. And comment. Also, be sure to mention how often you have sex, how good you are at sex, and how big your respective private parts are (male=penis, female=breasts). Lie if you want, no one will know! I mean, while I'm sure the blogging community mostly consists of men with penis' longer than most men's forearms, its just a coincidence.

2 - Sarcasm

Remember, nothing is funnier than sarcasm. Nothing. not satire, not irony, nothing. So be sarcastic. Did you hate that movie? Then give a sarcastic review. Did you're gilfriend dump you? Then write a sarcastic Diatribe abotu how bad she smells. If it isn't sarcasm, then it doesn't beong on blogger!

3 - Voyeurism

Remember that odds are, if you ask enough times, you can convince people to send nude photos of themselves to you. Try posting some nude photos of yourself, and then hope people will reciprocate. And if you're not as sweet and attractive as me, remember, you can always use google image search to find a good replacement picture, and no one will know.

So, now you know what kind of an attitude you need to have. Now let's get down to the nitty gritty. Writting. Let me give you the key sentance that will summarize the contents of this section.

Writing is easy!

Anyone can do it! If you don't believe me, click on the little "next blog" button at the top of your screen. There, you see? If some thirteen year old prebubesent boy can write about his day at junior high school, and about how he almost saw some girl in his gym classes arealo, then you can most certainly write about how awesome you are. To help you out, here are some great starting sentences for what will can only become a legendary blog entry. Feel free to use any of these.

Boy, I didn't think I could make that much come out, but I was WRONG!!!!

Great things come in twos, or in her case, threes!

Today at school, there were wet willies all around.

I don't know about you, but there's nothing that sucks as much as the movie i saw yesterday.

You might think that stabbing youself in the face would be a bad idea, and you know what, you'd be right!

They said I couldn't list the fifty reasons why the movie Tron was better tha the Matrix, but they were wrong.

Sometimes, when I'm all alone, I like to touch my sacred spot.

Did you ever wonder what would happen if you shoved a firecracker up your nose?

See? It's easy. Just put your hands on the keyboard, and let the words flow. It doesn't matter what you write about, how boring your topic, how inane and self centered your comments, or how poor your spelling or grammar are, because remember, you are the most important person alive, and they are priveledged to read your words. No one has the same life as you, and your ups and downs are absolutely fascinating.

And that's pretty much it, the secret to my glorious blogging success. One other word of advice though. If anyone starts leaving hateful comments on your blog, remember, misspelled swearwords will set them straight. I promise! So why don't you go vuck yourself you supid jaksas!!!

Remember, no one is as important as you are!

Moday Fun Facts (One Day Late, Jerks)

2005-10-18T15:14:00.000-07:00

A collection of wisdom and interesting factoids that are all 100% true.

1 - DJ Shovel Pants smells like John Denver's index finger, which is really, really terrible.

2 - If any of you are bowling fans, I think it would be a good idea to buy one of those oversized giant foam hands, and paint your entire body blue, and drink untilyour eyes fall out, because that's what makes the otherwise boring sport of football so much fun to watch.

3 - 2005 is the year of the cock. Thanks for that China.

4 - If I had a time machine, I would go back in time to the year 1994, so that I could listen to the album Dookie, and remember what it was like to actually enjoy listening to Green Day.

5 - A poll recently revealed that on a list which included "The Holocaust", "WW2", and "AIDS", most Americans regard "The Black Eyed Peas" as the worst thing to happen in the last 100 years.

6 - In heaven, as a twisted fate of irony, all the regular white collar workers get to sit around on a cushy chair behind a nice oak desk, and eat pixie sticks and cotton candy all day, while former CEOs and VPs have to crawl around naked on the floor and clean up all the garbage with their tongues. Just kidding, there really is no heaven.

7 - Behind every single on of those elaborate model train set stands a lonely, pathetic man.

8 - It is a matter of scientific fact that no one, anywhere, ever, has asked someone to play the panflute.

9 - Blind people are a lot like flowers, because neither of them can see.

10 - If, on a really hot day, you're at the beach, and the air above the sand looks kind of wavy, it's a sure sign that you have eye cancer.

11 - If we're having such a terrible gas shortage, why don't we just genetically clone some dinosaurs a la jurrasic park, kill them all, and bury them. C'mon people, this isn't rocket science!

12 - The worst idea I ever had was "Huh, this chicken looks pretty link, but I'm sure it'll be OK, and I won't get burning explosive diarrhea as a result."

13 - If you have a misbehaving child at home, be sure to tell him/her about the "Misbehaviour Fairy". If the child misbehaves, drown their favorite pet (preferably the cute one), and leave the body on their bed with a note pinned to it's face that says "Hugs and Kisses, From the Misbehaviour Fairy". Problem solved.

14 - The worst kind of a fart in the world, is an egg fart.

15 - I keep hearing about how the internet is this amazing place that connects thousands of people together, but for some reason I can only ever seem to find midget porn. What's up with that?

16 - When i was a kid, I wanted to grow up to be the old guy on the oatmeal container. That dude's got a sweet job.

17 - When I eat Fruity Pebbles, they taste so good rainbows come out of my ears.

18 - My favorite hobby is to dress up like a local grocery clerk, and tell eveyrone I see that the milk sold there is laced with Cyanide, so they should buy soy milk, which tastes terrible.

19 - Most men I know who carry bags seem to enjoy pretending that they are not just carrying around a big purse.

20 - Crayons smell delicious.

As Promised: Completely Nude Friday!!!!

2005-10-14T00:12:00.000-07:00

I encourage you all to participate in the new fad I'm trying to start, "Completely Nude Friday! tm"

The idea is, the only article of clothing you can wear is a pair of Top Gun Style Sunglasses. So, in the spirit of things, I'm here to "kick things off":

Behold Buck, in all his naked glory!

This is a photo Mrs. Buck Williams took of me a few weeks ago, while I was enjoying my usual wednesday evening naked snack time. Boy, those valencia oranges sure were delicious. Of course, you probably didn't even notice them there, since you were likely staring at my sexy, hot body. You'll also notice I'm sporting a sexy new "buzz" cut. I'm not sure if I like it, but the Mrs. says it turns her on to no end. What do you all think?

Now let's see how many of you are brave enough to follow suit. Let's all hope that "Completely Nude Friday" catches on! Man am I hot. Seriously, if I could have sex with myself, I totally would right now.

Wait, that gives me an idea...

One other Thing

2005-10-13T16:08:00.000-07:00

I turned on word verification for the stupid comments, because I'm sick of deleting all the spam.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Much love. And coming tomorrow, Buck Williams presents, Entirely Naked Friday!!!

This Post Is Dedicated to Whiney McWhiner From Whinetown U.S.A.

2005-10-13T15:16:00.000-07:00

Man, you'd think reading my fun facts is similar to smoking Crack Cocaine.

Fine, Geez, here are some more fun facts. Jerks!

1 - Unlike their living counterparts, dried babies burn just fine.

2 - All gangster rap albums should change their names to "I am better than you, because I have self esteem issues".

3 - People who have facial piercings don't mind it if you yank on them when you feel like they're not paying adequate attention to what you are saying.

4 - Scientists are still trying to figure out why Def Leopard decided to hire a drummer with only one arm.

5 - (for children under age 9) It only makes sense that if medicine makes you feel better when you are sick, a lot of medicine when you feel fine will make you feel GREAT! Plus, medicine is a secret adult word for candy. Just don't tell your parents, because they'll just try to spoil your fun.

6 - I sometimes wish that my life was more like the game Oregon Trail, but sadly I have no wagon to caulk and float across the river, and my wife will liekly never die from cholera.

7 - It's a scientific fact that farts emitted by meat eaters smell 80% worse than those of vegitarians.

8 - I am not a vegitarian.

9 - The song "I Would walk Five Hundred Miles" is the greatest song ever written. The only way it could be made better is if it were sung by Aaron Neville, but the U.N. has declared this illegal, as the combined awesomeness of the Proclaimers and Mr. Neville would cause the universe to implode.

10 - The powdered product that comes in a small packet inside all new shoes, while labeled with the warning "Do Not Eat" is actually quite delicious.

11 - The best part about fat people is that the sweat a lot.

12 - Scientists say that stealing cookies form a girl scout after punching her in the kidney until she blacks out makes them taste 146% better.

13 - Dogs make the perfect pet. Cats are required by law to, at least once a day, stare at you intensely and think about how much they hate you.

14 - The best way to choose a new computer monitor is to select the one that is biggest at work, but can still fit easily into your trunk. Once home, plug it in, and congratulations, your quest is over.

15 - If you ever want a free meal, go to your favorite restaurant, find someone eating the meal you desire, knock it onto the floor, and then scoop it up while shouting "Five Second Rule!"

16 - The people I work with are so uptight, they won't even let me squat and poop on my desk. I mean, c'mon! It's my desk!

17 - The phrase that most completely sums up my existence is "Drinkin' lots of maple syrup, somtimes puking up some syrup".

18 - I started a secret club at my work. The first rule of my work club, is you don't come over to my cubicle and talk to me at all about anything. Ever. Everything after that is fine.

19 - My favorite t-shirt I own says "My other t-shirt has a clever joke on it".

20 - When you go to college, you can study any subject you want, History, Mathematics, Music, Marijuana, although that last one is usually called an "english major".

I'm Back With Some Fun Facts...

2005-10-06T13:35:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I killed and ate several small pigeons outside of my apartment, serving them with a nice side of chilled raw duck blood, and it turns out that I contracted the Avian Flue Virus. Thankfully, it wasn't nothing that some good ol' fashioned elbow grease and masturbation couldn't fix, and I am know feeling much better. Thank you for your patience. And, without further ado;

A collection of wisdom and interesting factoids that are all 100% true.

1 - Most "Star Wars Clubs" are the havens for Dungeons and Dragons geeks. Someone should do something about that.

2 - A survey recently showed that the sound that most people refer to as "silence" is actually the sound of a serial killer in your house killing and eating your loved ones.

3 - The funniest thing ever isn't actually a movie quote, it's my overweight coworker repeating the movie quote to me, but getting it wrong.

4 - Marsupials are the grossest things ever, and I fully suport legislation that would result in their genocide.

5 - For some reason, the people at jiffy lube ironically seem to complain loudly when you sneak into their cars and steal all of their change.

6 - No one thinks that heavy metal fonts are cool, so everyone who uses them needs to just cut it out.

7 - I'm not impressed by people who can lick their elbows. I am, howver, impressed by people willing to lick mine.

8 - My most favorite computer game that I can play is actually made by Time Warner Cable. It's called "Page Cannot Be Displayed".

9 - Most scholars agree that Stevie Wonder's hit album "Innervisions" is really a concept album about how when he's inside, he can't tell if it's snowing.

10 - After visiting my local YMCA, the most popular excersize equipment they have is not the free weights, the swimming pool, or even the climbing wall. It's the oversized mirror.

11 - If I were a musician, I would write a song that would be an answer to every other musicians' songs, and I would call it "You probably can't find love because you are obtuse, whiney, self-centered, and you have severe social problems and a bad attitude". In B flat minor.

12 - "Working from home" is a lot like a unicorn. People talk about it a lot, but in reality it just doesn't exist. One is a fanciful thing of fairy tale stories that everyone wants, but no one really gets to have, and the other is a horse with a stick glued to it's face.

13 - God designed the scrotum out of extra elbow skin he had left over in a warm, moiste, itchy jar.

14 - If Bigfoot ever had a garage sale, experts say it would mostly be made up of crudely made tools, some large sticks, and the entire Kiss album catalogue (Bigfoot doesn't like Kiss anymore, and somewhat regrets purchasing Animalize) .

15 - If you let out a SBD (silent but deadly) fart, it is common consideration to at least warn the people in the elevator with you.

16 - When I wake up in the morning, it smells like an Elephant took a dump in my mouth (thanks DJS!).

17 - The Lock ness monster, in a recent interview, stated she does not mind being called one of three things. "The Lock Ness Monster", "Nessie", or "Totally Awesome".

18 - If I were a drug dealer, I think a good way to get young kids hooked on crack is to develop some sort of "Crack Slushy".

19 - The more bumper stickers you have on your car, the less likely I am to have a conversation with you.

18 - You're not paying very cose attention to my numbering system.

20 - buying and wearing a sweater vest is like buying and wearing a giant sign that says "I will never see a girl's private parts".

Buck Williams vs. The Bubonic Plague

2005-09-30T17:50:00.000-07:00

someone......save me.......I'm so sick.......

uuuuuuuuuuuugh........

I Love You One And All!!!

2005-09-24T09:45:00.000-07:00

I apologize for not posting more frequently. I've been busy working on the new web comic. To tantalize your tantalization detectors, here is the first sketch that the wonderful artist Ray has sent me. More will soon follow.

That's all for now, but I would like to propose a philisophical debate for everyone to discuss. There are many topics we could choose, the meaning of life, does God exist, the merits of String Theory, Thermaldynamics and their application to the universe as a whole, why is Carrot Top still on T.V. comercials, and why do I touch myself in a naughty fashion so frequently. But I've decided on a topic that is often neglected by the great minds of our decade.

Who is the best Clue Character?

And I'm talking about the Board Game, not the movie, so don't bring any of that to the table.

Now....Discuss!

Moday Fun Facts!!!

2005-09-19T12:53:00.000-07:00

A collection of wisdom and interesting factoids that are all 100% true.

1 - Scientists recently discovered the chemical that is responsible for goth kids. It's called "low-self-esteemium".

2 - Ani DiFranco just needs a big warm hug.

3 - So does Maynard Keenan.

4 - Most people's belly buttons are innies, because outies are really gross.

5 - The lint collected from innie belly buttons tastes terrible.

6 - When I have children, I will not allow anyone to refer to me as the "parent". They will have to refer to me as the "owner".

7 - If I could have any job on earth, I would want to be a back up rapper, because I'm really good at saying "uh" and "yeah" and "uh-huh".

8 - Pies have been found to be generally delicious.

9 - Before I got married, my goal in life was to meet a woman who didn't mind that my farts smell like orange juice and salsa.

10 - The only thing that can scientifically make a guitar even cooler, is if you add another guitar to it, making it one fo those cool double guitars.

11 - It is in fact illegal in 37 states to write a music review for a new band you really like, without calling them "the Next Nirvana".

12 - If you had combed your hair better, and been more popular in school, your parents probably wouldn't have gotten a divorce.

13 - The only way to make sure your hands are clean is to wash them 67 times a day with lots and lots of soap (hint, when they are cracked and bleeding, your getting there!)

14 - No one has ever looked at me, and said "That's what I want to be when I grow up!"

15 - The worst part about sitting next to someone at work who is loudly clipping their nails isn't the horrible "clip, clip" sound it makes, but when one of the pieces of nail flies off and hits you on the arm.

16 - While proof of Bigfoot has yet eluded the scientific community, his cousin "Smallfoot" has been spotted many times, performing music under the name "Prince". He is also known to get funky on occasion.

17 - Am I the only one who sometimes dreams of someday cracking open an egg to find a baby chicken, which you then nurture and raise so that you can finally have a friend?

18 - If you swish jello around in your mouth long enough, it will turn into Kool Aid.

19 - Scientists and Philosophers have yet to discover why it is that all of the proponents of hemp products are huge stoners.

20 - The reason my job isn't as fun as elementary school is because we don't take an hour break in the middle fo the day to play dogdeball.

21 - A girl who grew up down the street from me used to always get in trouble with her parents for eating her scabs. I hadn't thought about that until five minutes ago, when I realized that it's pretty much the grossest thing I've ever heard of.

Buck Williams Presents: My Paranoid Schizophrenic Diary Entry

2005-09-16T12:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary (Steven),

Well, today was another exciting day for me. When I woke up this morning, I found that I had once again dreamed of the Quzanks, and their evil overlord "Jeremy". Usually when they are monitoring my brain waves as I sleep, it causes me to dream of the civilization, and of course, the terrible octogon triangle, which was ultimately the downfall of their civilization. In my dream, I was riding a hyperdimensional pod through the gas streets of Obergyn 7, being chase by severl muzzle beasts. Pretty typical I suppose. And then, of course, there's the popcorn explosion, and then the white nothingness.

Knowing that the Quzanks destroyed themselves, and their subconcious minds have been sprayed across the universe like urine through a diaper doesn't make the dreams any less jarring. Plus, it usually means I'm going to have an extremely long day.

So I got out of bed, touched the floor twenty three times with my left foot, fourteen times with the right (as the ancient babylonian purification ritual dictates), took my usual hot shower, with my five fresh bars of soap, followed by three facial cleansers, antiseptic lotion, and of course, shampoo, rinse, repeat, and began to prepare Jerry for breakfast.

Jerry was delicious, and he sang me a wonderful tune as he spat and fried in my frying pan. I served him over a lovely slice of toast, slathered in butter of course, and a glass of orange juice. And Jerry was hapy to be eaten.

I then finished my morning routine with the usual ear tugs, lightswitch flippings, and of course, teeth grinding. Always fifteen left side, fifteen right side, so my body is balanced for the day. I then secured my proctetive coating for the house, to make sure there were no leaks (there must have been one, since my brain was monitored again in my sleep!), and then doned my intergalactic protective helmet, to stop all gamma radiation from controlling the exron chip that was implanted in my brain when I was seven.

but I digress.

As I walked to the local public library to get my newest selection (A wonderful book called The Cellular Cosmology, or the Earth a Concave Sphere by Dr. Cyrus Teed. Those damned Nazi's are collaborating with the Anunaki, and hiding inside the hollowed out earth!), I was joined by my good friend Chark, from the planet Nibendu. Most people can't seen Chark, because he vibrates at a much higher level than most humans, but he realized that my vibration was much higher than the normal human, so he slows himself down to the thriteenth dimension, which I can see. Too bad most humans don't understand what phsycic phenomina really is, it's seeing into the different vibrations that make up the 19 time/space dimensional realities. Oh well.

Chak and I had a good talk. He always is telling me humerous stories of his childhood as he grew up on the barren volvano planet of Chzrkshlk. As he was in the middle of telling me about a very exciting jooni race, and aparticularly nasty five tentacled drek that almost ruined everything for him, a man bumped roughly into my shoulder, and shouted "Watch it!". I apologized, and he told me I stink.

Me! How absurd! He smply doesn't realize that most humans smell terrible in contrast to the rest of the intergallactic council. Humans with their sweat glands! It's terrible!

But, I got my books, used the internet for awhile (I don't have internet at home, because it makes it too easy for the governmental goons to track what it is I'm doing, and I know they knwo I know waaaay to much for me to be left alive. Thankfully they haven't found me yet, because I always use a different computer at the library, and I vary what time I go. Yesterday I went at 12:00, today I waited until 12:30. It'll take a pretty clever investigator to catch good ol' Buck Williams!).

I then requested several more books, one regarding the mysterious disappearance of Atlantis, the other about Hitler's Obsession with the Occult, and then, at about 7:00, decided it was time for a tastey seven layer burrito (I usually get mine with no tomatos, because that 7th layer is just unlucky). I took the bus to Taco Bell, and as I was enjoying my meal, I noticed three men watching my every move. They treid to act casual, like they were just three regular guys eating some chalupas, but once you've been around government agents for awhile, you can recognize those dirty reptilians pretty easily. So, I finished my border fries (I like them with ketchup, but some people prefer cheese. I don't understand why, since potatos were practically made for ketchup, but to each his own), and went to refil my Dr. Pepper. I could feel their slit eyes watching my every move as I wandered to the fountain, and filled my cup. As I walked back to my seat, I quickly threw the full cup of Dr. Pepper on one of the men, spilling it all over him, and ran out the front door as fast as I could. Reptilians have a natural weakness to caffiene, and I could hear the man loudly swear as I bolted past. He and his fellows chase me for a bit, but then, weakened by the Dr. pepper bath I gave him, they eventually gave up their pursuit, and headed home. I continued to run, varying my path home, in case any of the silent surveillance helicopters had decided to follow me. I bobbed and weaved in and out of buildings, allyways, and parks filled with trees, and eventually arrived home at about 10:00, exhausted, but exhillerated from yet another victory over the forces of darkness. I then switched on my anti-boronfield cloaking device, to avoid any sort of eves dropping, or trackign that ight be going on, and now I'm about to go to sleep.

What a day! Boy, fighting the evil Reptilian Invaders as they aid the Anunaki sure can take a lot out of a guy! But, someone has to try and defend all the innocent, naive, and ignorant people on earth, and I guess that someone is me! I just hope I'm up to the task.

Monday Fun Facts

2005-09-12T14:19:00.000-07:00

A collection of wisdom and interesting factoids that are all 100% true.

1 - If you hold a sea shell to your ear, you can hear the sound of the ocean waves crashing against the rocks. If you hold a Krispy Kreme donut to your ear, you can hear the sound of a fat people squeeling in delight.

2 - It is a proven fact that if I try to keep one eye open and one eye closed while at work, both eyes will be closed in less than 2 minutes.

3 - The best slang term for masturbation is "Waxin' the banana". In a close second place is "Violating your Inner-Sanctum"

4 - Something about the arctic chill of Minnesota Winters brings back many fond memories from my childhood, like how retarded cold it was back then during the winter too.

5 - Internet forums were created in 1983 by a man from Harvard University who believed there needed to be a way to act like a bully, even though he weighed 124 pounds.

6 - I once had to chew off my own foot to escape froma bear trap while I was on a hunting trip in alaska.

7 - I am a compulsive liar.

8 - My love for you is so strong, that 2,000 police officers could not keep me from stalking you, and watching youthrough your bedroom window while you sleep, and then returning home to masturbate into the sink.

9 - The Chemical Brothers have yet to give me another one of those block rockin' beats.

10 - Please sing the chorus to "Free Fallin'" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers out loud at your computer. Fun Fact: Did you know that that song is now stuck in your head?

11 - Clown meat can be chewy and tough, so I always recommend boiling your clowns for at least two hours, and then grinding them up to make clownburgers.

12 - Just because you're an adult in a toy store, does not mean it is wrong for you to play with some of the really cool toys. However it does mean that you should wear pants though.

13 - People with clever slogans on their t-shirts are simply overcompensating for their lack of cleverness.

14 - You can never trust a man with two first names.

15 - Most of the people with whom I work could be accurately described as "Painful, Swollen, Itchy Hemerrhoids"

16 - I'm sure that Equal means well, but it usually doesn't make things taste any better.

17 - Rather than worry about why hot dogs come in packages of ten, and hot dog buns come un packages of eight, perhaps our energy would be better spent figuring out why the fat eight year old my sister used to babysit enjoyed eating plain frozen hotdogs.

18 - Scientists have yet to figure out why Gravy is held in a boat, and not in a bowl.

19 - The worst flavor of burp you can ever have, is the notorious "tuna melt" burp.

20 - Scientists have created a new unit of mearsument to measure and describe how annoying something is. It's called the "Kelly Clarkson". One Kelly Clarkson is equal to how annoying it is to hear the song "Ms. Independant" requested on the radio.

21 - I can fit 46 rubberbands around my head. 47 is just excessive.

22 - When you apply for a job at the Renaissance Festival, all they only need to find out one thing, based on your gender. if you're a girl, they need to make sure you're overweight, and if you're a boy, they need to make sure you have a bad whispy mustache.

23 - The best thing about public transportation is the oppourtunity you get to whisper scary things to fat schizophrenic people.

Lance Armstrong; Proof that even with only one testicle, you can still be a complete dick.

2005-09-09T08:26:00.000-07:00

Lady, I'm way too awesome to be talking to you!

Lance Armstrong, 7 time winner of the Tour de France, and one of the hugest jerks on the face of the planet. Here is an actual quote from an interview he did after recently winning his 7th tour de france:

"To all of you who don't think cycling is important, your opinion doesn't matter!"

Nice. Classy. Cock!

Sports in general are pretty damn stupid, but cycling? Could there be amore boring athletic event? Honestly, is there any thrill to be had in watching some dude ride his bicycle for a really long time? I mean, sure, he's better at it than I am. But so what? Yea, you can bike really fast, but you know what? I can get in my car, and drive waaaaaaay faster than you can bike, and I don't have to spend 12 hours a day training.

So who's really the winner.

What's most frustrating, is that people now think Lance is the most famous "Amrstrong" of all time. Hello! Are we forgetting about Neil, first man on the moon?

Wow! You won the tour de france 7 times? Huh. Oh, by the way, I went to the moon! How do you like that, you whore?!?!

The other thing that really, really pisses me off about this Lance fella, is these crappy "Livestrong" bracelets that I see people wearing.

Jump on the bandwagon, and buy one of me! Then everyone will kno wjust how much you love your life!

C'mon people! First of all, it's yellow, which we all know is the worst color ever. Sorry folks, it's a scientific fact.

Secondly, Live Strong? What the hell does that mean? I hate people who use stupid catch phrases to "change their lives". Look man, if you want to be a better person, that's fine, but advertising how good of a person you are by wearing a stupid "What Would Jesus Do" or "Livestrong" bracelet is just pathetic. I hope anyone who buys these bracelets gets testicular cancer, so they can learn to "Livestrong" like good ol' Lance did.

In conclusion, Lance Armstrong is a tool. my favorite part of his career is going to be in 20 years, when no one remembers who he is, what he did, and he appears on ESPN 56 as a shrivelled up prune of a nutsack to do commentary on some new, equally boring sport.

Lance Amrstrong, I hate you!

Help me Lance! I think I broke my spleen!

Screw you cripple! I got me a race to win!

Monday Fun Facts

2005-09-05T14:39:00.000-07:00

A collection of wisdom and interesting factoids that are all 100% true.

1 - All waiters are required to act cool and hip. It's in the Waiter Code of Ethics. Plus it could get thema bigger tip.

2 - Nose Hair is disgusting. Especially when your roommate pulls it out while watching T.V. with you and your wife, and then complains about how it makes his eyes water.

3 - Cicadias are the loud obnoxious jerks of the insect world.

4 - Ending all letters to the police department with the phrase "Your body will join the rest that are buried in my cellar" is really bad idea.

5 - Sometimes Chihuahua's sing, and it's the sadest song in the whole world.

6 - When it's winter, and people's glasses fog up after they've been out in the cold, the best thing to do is punch them in the stomach, because they'll never see it coming.

7 - The best way to hide something from an internet dork blogger, is to put it outside. They'll never look out there, because the yellow face, it bites us so...

8 - You have been warned, if you work at my office, and wear cologn or perfume that is way to strong, and stings my eyes, I will have no choice but to retaliate by purchasing the spiciest chili possible, and casually strolling to your cubicle to fart.

9 - Sandpaper does not make an adequite toothbrush replacement.

10 - Yellow is never considered a cool color.

11 - The Amish will never read this website, thus taking away all the joy to be had in making fun of them.

12 - No one really knows what an "opened face sandwich" is.

13 - Computer Tips: If a program doesn't open when you want it to, try clicking on the icon 700 times. It seems to work for my mom.

14 - All old people smell like medicine cabnets.

15 - The easiest solution to over population is Cannibalism.

16 - Sometimes you get to make fun of people, but other times, they do it for you.

17 - The fat girl I sit next to is paying a personal trainer $200 a month to try and lose weight, and yet she still orders fast fod for lunch everyday.

18 - While coconuts are perfect for making the sounds of a horse galloping away, they kind of taste bad.

19 - Nobody would like to save 10% on todays purchase by becomeing a member of your stupid club, because that would mean I get stupid crap in the mail that I don't want.

20 - When you think about it, Credit Cards are basically free money.

21 - When you go through the day, licking every object you see to find out what it tastes like, your life becomes an incredible adventure.

22 - The receptionists chair where I work tasts terrible.

23 - Sometimes its OK to cry, and sometimes it's OK to hit yourself in the face with a rubberband while trying to shoot it at someone else, and act like you did it on purpose.

Advice Column; Lilreddramaqueen Edition

2005-08-31T11:33:00.000-07:00

And now it is time for Buck Williams to dispense more of his wise wisdom. Lilreddramaqueen asks:

why do some poeple smell like ass all the time? even after they shower, they still smelll like someone threw up on them after eating refried beans?? please also tell me why i have to work with these people???

Now, Lil'Red Drama Queen, this is definitely a delicate question, one most of mankind has thought about, and observed, from Plato and Socrates on down to Neitzhe and Frued. Why are there such smelly people, and how on earth can they not notice their stank? To try to better answer your questions, I will quote form some of my presonal favorite philosophers and metaphysicists thoughts on the subject.

Socrates:

I heard, then, that in Naucratis, in Egypt, was one of the ancient gods of that country, the one who's sacred beast is called skunk, and the name of the god himself was Stinkatron. He it was who invented curry, mushrooms, toilet paper, and most importantly, laxatives. Now the King of all of Egypt at that time was the God Thamus, who lived on the great city of the upper region, which the greeks call the Egyptian Thebes. As the long story goes, Stinkatron visited King Thamus, and demanded he sacrifice his beloved Daughter, Ibsis. King Thamus refused, and so the God Stinkatron cursed him, not with imortality, or poverty, but with the curse of smelling like sixteen butts. And so to, his desendants bear the curse of the mighty Stinkatron.

Nietche

God is dead, and it makes a lot of people stink.

Ayn Rand

Poeple stink because that is what's best for the individual, which inturn becomes what's best for society. We need stinky people, because people need to stink. Also, I am really, really boring.

Voltaire

England, while properly called the country of sectarists, and Englishman, as one to whome liberty is natural, may go to heaven his own way. Nevertheless, though every one is permitted to serve God in whatever mode or fashion he thinks proper, there is one liberty which is above all, the liberty to smell like bigfoots unwashed penis. And if it is their right, it is their duty to excersize the right to stink.

Philo of Alexandria

Stinky people are not unlike a bowl of rippened fruit. While the juices are flowing, and dripping, some are bound to go bad, and it is the duty of the other fruits to avoid them, so as to not contaminate themselves with the rot.

Lastly, I would like to include a photo which should probably clear up where the smell is coming from. Enjoy:

Buck Williams Presents; Monday Fun Facts!

2005-08-29T08:49:00.000-07:00

A collection of wisdom and interesting factoids that are all 100% true.

1 - April showers do not in fact bring May flowers, but they bring depression and leaky roofs.

2 - The people where I work who pick their nose and then wipe the boogers on the bathroom wall are really, really cool people.

3 - The Army's use of the term "Boot Camp" is a bit misleading, as they do not allow you to choose what color or style of boots you wear, and there are no camp fires.

4 - I once fit a half loaf of Herberts and Gerberts french bread in my mouth, which caused a coworker to laugh so hard, she peed her pants.

5 - I have no dignity whatsoever.

6 - The word "Spoon", in no way could be construed as rhyming with the word "Flaky".

7 - Iguanas are delicious. Vultures are not.

8 - Congress is working on an amendment to the "5 second rule", hoping to extend the period of time for which a piece of food is still good, even though you dropped it on the floor to a full 15 seconds.

9 - There is an unwritten law among used CD stores, that they must have a minimum of 75 U2 cd's on hand at all times.

10 - If donating blood makes you dizzy, and light headed, then I should get daily blood transfusions, so I can be more awake, alert, and have better balance.

11 - Donuts are specifically designed to only allow you to eat two and a half before you are so full you feel sick and never want to eat donuts again.

12 - Sometimes I get hungry, but I'm too lazy to get up and eat, so I just sit on my couch and cry.

13 - Lobbyists are trying to change the product description of "Car Air Freshner" to "Your Car Will Smell Like Old Sweat Socks In Three Days Technology".

14 - While not shaving can create a nice looking beard, it is hard to imagine any other oral hygiene neglect turning into an attractive facial feature.

15 - Stand Up Comedian Carrot Top, Bill Keane (creater of Family Circus), and Gallagher are teaming up to create the ultimate extraveganza; Not Funny Retards....On Ice!

16 - The secret mating call of the modern "I'm cooler than you" hipster is "Their first album was better!"

17 - Sometimes I get so bored during staff meetings that I start to imagine what the office would be like in a post apocalyptic situation, and that if I was forced to practice cannibalism, which of my coworkers would be the most tasty.

18 - Most jobs are made up of two weeks of "This isn't so bad" and fifteen years of "I'm in hell".

19 - The Pen-15 club is the greatest club on earth!

20 - No one ever drinks nutra-sweet because it tastes good. It's just another of life's many terrible compromises.

21 - A "Killer Whale" is neither a "Killer", not a "whale". They are peace loving dolphin hippy beatniks.

Buck Williams Presents: The Greatest Video Game Ever Made; A Review

2005-08-25T16:47:00.000-07:00

Eternal Darkness; Sanity's Requiem

Video games. The word itself evokes the image of an overweight sixteen year old boy, sitting at his computer desk, which is littered with hot pocket wrappers, half eaten ho-ho’s, empty can’s of Mountain Dew, star wars figurines, and “spankercheifs”. For me, the term “gamer” is a swearword. I am a cool, hip, and with it guy who is admired by both sexes for my rugged good looks and neat hairstyle. But I must admit, I do enjoy the occasional video game, or as my good friend DJ Shovelpants calls them, “vids”. But rather than being the type of person who plays video games non-stop, I really consider myself a video game connoisseur. Very rarely is there a video game made well enough, with good graphics, and above all, a good storyline, to keep my interest to play the game all the way through. So when a friend of mine recommended I try out Eternal Darkness, I was a bit skeptical. Sure, he said it was the greatest thing ever coded, but that phrase alone was so dorky it made me scared. What intrigued me the most about the game, and what ultimately convinced me to try it, was the idea that it was based on the writings of one of my favorite authors, H.P. Lovecraft. If you don’t know who he is, stop reading this review right now, because you are retarded, and deserve to get cancer. Colon cancer.

So, I borrowed the game from a friend of mine, and borrowed a game cube from another friend of mine (I haven’t actually owned a new game console since my parents bought me the original Nintendo). I sat down with another friend of mine, who is so pathetic, he has nothing better than to watch other people play video games. I’m sure we all know at least one person like that.

But I digress. The story revolves around a young woman named Alexandra Roivas, who’s grandfather is murdered during the opening sequence. She then begins to investigate why and how it was her grandfather came to be killed. During the course of her investigations, the player travels through time, and plays different characters throughout the history of civilization, each character playing a major role in the epic story that unfolds during the eloquent gameplay. My friend Josh and I turned off the lights, so it was nice and dark, just the right mood for a suspense/horror video game, or movie, and started playing. I offered to hold his hand, but he declined. A move he later came to regret (he accused me of having hairy knuckles, which I clearly do not have!).

This game is filled with the most intense, disturbing sounds I’ve ever encountered, which only add to the ambience fo the game. I’ve played Resident Evil, and Silent Hill, two other popular games in this genre, and frankly, neither of them compare in sheer terror causing atmospherics. About an hour into the game, something happened. I won’t say what, for fear of ruining the surprise for any geeks out there who haven’t yet played this game, but it made both Josh and I scream at the top of our lungs like three year old girls watching the Exorcist, and Josh farted.

Yes, you read the previous sentence correctly. This game made my friend fart in fear.

So, let’s go through my checklist of requirements for this game to be the greatest game ever made.

#1 – Zombies – Check

#2 – Ability to hit things with pipes, swords, bats, etc. – Check

#3 – A Hot Female Character (Let's face it, this is as close to a girl as most video game dorks will ever get) – Check

#4 – Awesome In Game Sanity Effects That Totally Screw With Your Head – Check

#5 – Creepy Looking Good Guys – Check

#6 – Ability to cast sweet spells that are totally awesome - Check

#7 – Cool Ambient Music And Noises - Check

#8 – Incredibly Interesting Story - Check

#9 – Pseudo Philosophical Overtones and Symbolism so ubergeeks can discuss the true meaning behind the game in chat rooms across the vastness of the internet - Check

#10 – Weird Cameo by Guy Who Looks Like Russell Crowe In “Gladiator” – Check

In Conclusion, I want to have this Video Games' love child. Amen.

Horoscopes Are Frickin' Sweet!

2005-08-24T13:30:00.000-07:00

For those who are not privy to my personal life, I have been made an Unofficial Professional Astrologer. And let me tell you, Astrology is real (it's a scientific fact!) and really sweet. So I've decided to present my personality summary, based on your sign. In order to channel this cosmic information, I had to meditate nude on a linolium floor covered in broken glass, with my special intergalactic energy receptor hat (hand made from tin foil and some plastic forks from Wendy's) for five hours straight. So I hope you appreciate the fruits of my effort.

Aries - March 21-April 19

Areis have a strange, unnatural obsession with John Travolta. They love all of his films, not just the OK ones (Like Pulp Fiction, and.....um........I'm sure another will come to me soon.......um......nope. I got nothin'), but the really bad ones, Like Saturday Night Fever, Look Who's Talking 3, and (gasp!) Battle Field Earth. They try to shrug off the whole Scientology thing as a normal fad that most celebrities go through. Obviously, Aries should be avoided at all cost. They are creepy, and tend to breath heavily.

Taurus - April 20 - May 20

Taurus' love nothing more than finding a nice quiet rest room, grabbing their favorite periodical, locing the door, and taking a nice loooooooong bowel movement. It's really kind of gross. They basically enjoy poop parties. One man poop parties. Sick!

Gemini - May 21 - June 21

There's a lot that a person could say about Geminis, but sadly, none of it is particularly interesting. They are basically the most boring people on the face of the planet. If I were a Gemini (and thank God I'm not), I would make myself a loaded gun sandwich with a side of poinson, garnished with a nice ripe razor blade and a bunch of sleeping pills to drink. Seriously, what a total waste of life.

Cancer - June 22 - July 22

Any of various malignant neoplasms characterized by the proliferation of anaplastic cells that tend to invade surrounding tissue and metastasize to new body sites.

Leo - July 23 - August 22

Leos think they all that. But they ain't.

Virgo - August 23 - September 22

Virgos love to stick their hands down their pants, and then sniff their fingers. They typically ride the bus, wear sweat pants, and enjoy watching old episodes of Ricki Lake.

Libra - September 23 - October 22

These are the people with whom you work, and think the Mine Sweeper is actually a fun game to play. It isn't, but for some unknown reason, they love it. I hate Libras.

Scorpio - October 23 - November 21

Scorpios, due to the cool nature of their sign's name, are the most likely to become secret agents, spies, ninjas, pirates, ninja pirate spies, Kung Fu Masters, or used shoe salesmen. Man those shoe salesmen have a sweet gig!

Sagittarius - November 22 - December 21

Sagittarius, I know what you did in the back yard when you were a little kid. You thought no one saw, but God saw, and so did I. Shame on you. You are sick, and perverted. Let me know what hell feels like, because after what you did, you'll be going there.

Capricorn - December 22 - January 19

Capricorns like to use scissors for violence. They also understand every lyric Trent Reznor is singing, and feel like he's talking directly to them. They also feel that the lamp is talking directly to the sofa, and they are conspiring against them.

Aquarius - January 20 - February 18

Aquarians believe whatever they see on television, and they're the idiots who actually respond to spam e-mail and telemarketers. "Hello Sir, are you interested in getting cheaper long distance rates?" "Why yes, yes I am". We must rise up as one, and destroy this plague, and all the Aquarians who help nurture it, before all is lost.

Pisces - February 19 - March 20

Pisces may not be for everyone. Consult your doctor before trying Pisces. Side effects may include: dizziness, headache, nausea, flatulence, diarrhea, chronic anal squirts, the gout, herpes, genital warts, leprosy, wet mouth, dry mouth, cotton mouth, desire to die, calmness, restlessness, paranoia, weight gain, insomnia, sexual dysfunction, and of course, malaria.

Buck Williams Presents: Monday Fun Facts!

2005-08-22T13:16:00.000-07:00

A collection of wisdom and interesting factoids that are all 100% true.

1 - Argyle Socks are the pinacle of human acheivement.

2 - The word "groin" has been declared the "funniest" word ever by the U.W.A.A. (Universal Word Association of America), and makes fat people giggle.

3 - If women are God's kisses on the earth, then guinea pigs are God's farts.

4 - Manager's believe that if they give you a long and overly complicated task, but tell you it will be short and easy, you will not notice.

5 - "Lunchmeat" cannot actually be scientifically proven to be a "meat", but is in fact made from old sweatsocks and used chewing gum.

6 - Being good at math is the real world equivalent of being a cd placed in the "world music" section of your local cd store. No one cares.

7 - Kidney Beans are neither kidneys nor beans. They are small vampires that will eat you from the inside out.

8 - Cashews are the nuts of the Gods. I mean, you're not literally eating God's nuts or anything, I mean, there just really good. Cashews, not God's nuts.

9 - If you type with your caps lock on, you're actually yelling.

10 - people who can't spell right are dum.

11 - Stubbing your toe is the worst thing that can happen to you.

12 - Fishing is boring.

13 - Scientists have discovered thet there are actually seven different flavors of Quarks: up, down, charm, strange, top, bottom, and grape.

14 - If you had a dollar for every time you had sixty cents, you'd be canada.

15 - No matter how hungry you are, it is physically impossible to eat an entire chipotle burrito in one sitting.

16 - Raisins are made of soot and poo.

17 - If you are drunk, being louder means you are having more fun.

18 - When men pass gas, it smells like rotten eggs. When women pass gas, it smells like butterflies, rainbows, and rotting fish.

19 - The FDA has stated that all movie trailers must start with the phrase "In a world where nothing is what it seems..."

20 - If you wear a lab coat, you are a scientist.

21 - The most popular drinking game in the United States is called "Stock Market". You invest all your money in the stock market, lose it all, and then become alcoholic.

Nikola Tesla

2005-08-19T16:04:00.000-07:00

Serbian-American inventor and researcher who discovered the rotating magnetic field, the basis of most alternating-current machinery. In 1891 he invented the Tesla coil, an induction coil widely used in radio and television technology.

Also invented: a telephone repeater, rotating magnetic field principle, polyphase alternating-current system, induction motor, alternating-current power transmission, Tesla coil transformer, wireless communication, radio, fluorescent lights, and more than 700 other patents.

Tesla made what he regarded as his most important discovery-- terrestrial stationary waves. By this discovery he proved that the Earth could be used as a conductor and would be as responsive as a tuning fork to electrical vibrations of a certain frequency. He also lighted 200 lamps without wires from a distance of 25 miles (40 kilometres) and created man-made lightning, producing flashes measuring 135 feet (41 metres). At one time he was certain he had received signals from another planet in his Colorado laboratory, a claim that was met with derision in some scientific journals. Caustic criticism greeted his speculations concerning communication with other planets, his assertions that he could split the Earth like an apple, and his claim of having invented a death ray capable of destroying 10,000 airplanes at a distance of 250 miles (400 kilometres).

Also, his first name kind of looks like "Nicole", a known girls name.

Died January 7, 1943.

Hot or Not?

An Open Letter to Courtney Love

2005-08-19T13:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Courtney Love,

I am writing to you on behalf of the American public. I've consulted everyone I know, which is practically everyone in our country, and frankly, they all feel the same way I do. In fact, this letter is being written at their insistence.

Courtney, we are sick of you. We are sick of your court battles, sick of your fat face filling up our T.V. screens, sick of seeing your topless image in celebrity news magazines (not that I read them. Um....my wife does), we are sick of your crappy songs which you don't even write. We hate you Courtney Love, and we want you to go away now.

Sure, when we first heard about you, you were somewhat amuzing. Your whacky antics and chaotic ways brought a smile to our Nirvana loving faces. But, with the death (or was it murder) of your husband, the talented Kurt Cobain, well, we're ready for you to leave.

We've listened to your albums, you know, the first one, written by your late husband, and the second one, written by Billy Corgain of the Smashing Pumkins. But, suprisingly, despite the best efforts of these talented men, your band still sucks, and no one likes them anymore. Apparently, talent is not a sexually transmitted disease. It's unfortunate for everyone that Kurt was the one who died, not you.

Courtney, you stink. You smell like Heinz's Distilled White Vinegar, mixed with soot and vomit. And you look even worse. Honestly, I know the "disheveled" look was "in" at one time, but now, you just look like my creepy alchoholic Aunt who always starts arguements at Christmas. And Courtney, no one wants to be around that person.

Oh, and quit screwing up your daughter! Poor kid. Just so you are awar, if you ever have to say:

"I'm not on some downward spiral. I'm not on narcotics. I'm fine. I just want my daughter back."

Or if your daughter ever has to say:

"I'm not scared of my mom"

Then chances are, you're not a very good parent. Maybe, just maybe, you should clean up, stop being so damned selfish all the time, stop being the media whore you are, and try putting your duaghter first, and then you'll have what is called "self-respect". Until then, we, the poeple of the world, request you disappear forever into the sea of obscurity from whence you came.

You're awful Courtney Love!

You are awful!

Sincerely,
Buck Williams and Everyone Else in the World

Advice Column - Tony Mullins Edition

2005-08-17T16:16:00.000-07:00

I received the following e-mail from Tony Mullins:

ok then Mr Willy sir, heres a question for you! im meeting my mums boyfriends daughters for the first time next weekend. we are all going out for a meal. should i get drunk or stick to soft drinks? also how should i dress? casual or should i don my best snoop doggy dogg style pimp suit? i await your reply with baited (bad) breath.

There are so many issues to address here, I best seperate them out into neat, understandable bullets:

1 - You're meeting your Mom's Boyfriends Daughters? What is this, the brady Bunch? If it is, which one are you? I imagine you being Peter. You know, the awkward one in the middle, not a cute kid, but not adult enough to deal with grown up problems like condoms and motorcycles. The biggest challenge you'd ever face ona sitcom is a voice change. And if I had to pick someone to play you in a made for T.V. movie, I think I would choose C. Thomas Howell. He's hot.

If it was possible, I'd make out with myself

2 - Should you get drunk or stick to soft drinks? I don't think you should get drunk! I think you should get high on Acid and PCP, wear your favorite outfit (picture below), and every four or five minutes, get up from the dinner table and start dancing to imaginary techno music, and act suprised that no one else can hear it.

My Nipples! They Are Pierced!

3 - As for clothes, well, I partially addressed that above, but frankly, we need to talk about this. Remember last week, when you wore entirely sweat suits. Yellow sweat suits, where we could see your butt sweat leaking through? And remember the week before that, where you were convinced that capri pants were the wave of the future? Now you're talking about Pimp Suits? I think we need to have a fashion intervention here (TLC Anyone! LOL!). Seriosuly, find a look that works for you, and stick to it. I personally think you make a nice goth boy (or girl, I can't really tell from the photo), but quit changing personality types. it only confuses and scares me. I prefer it when people fit into nice, neat stereo types. All White people are rich, shallow yuppies on anti-depressants. All Black people are criminals and gang members. All Asians are good at math and the Violin. All Hispanics are poor and don't speak english. All Samoans are big and jolly. All British poeple have bad teeth and smell like garbage bags. All Canadians say "eh" a lot, and drink beer. So pick your stereotype, and stick with it.

Lastly, I'd like to say a few random things, which have nothing to do with this advice column.

1 - I promise I will update more frequently. Things at the William's household have been a bit hectic, and my wife, who has been talking back to me more frequently, has required more "attention" than usual. And by "attention" I mean "beatings". But I think she's finally learned her place. Stupid women!

2 - To whoever has taken over as the new Mr. Underhill (because I don't believe it's the same guy), yea, we get it, you're parodying Underhill. It was kind of funny at first. Now let's all just give it a rest for awhile. Seriously, sometimes having a blog is like working with a bunch of retarded children.

3 - Lastly, for those who haven't seen this photo, I thought you would all enjoy the real face of Fergi from the Black Eyed Pees (nope, that's not a typo, it's just a clever pun)

Neat Blog

2005-08-09T13:42:00.000-07:00

Sorry, I hate to do this, and I promise a much better post tomorrow, but I thought I would give a quick advertisement for a really, really awesome blog I stumbled across.

The Stuff Project

Man is this Blog awesome! Maybe even sweet. I'm not sure yet, it will require furthur scientific analasys.

The premise is, this guy puts up ads requesting people send him stuff. You know, pretty much anything. He then photographs it, posts about it, and writes you a thank you note. The writing is pretty hilarious, as is the totally random stuff he gets.

You should definitely check it out, and send him some stuff.

Also, you should check this little animated GIF out. It's pretty funny.

Mordor

That's all for today, but tomorrow I'll be back with a new Advice Column.

I love you guys. And girls. But mostly the guys (in a non-gay way).

Artist Found...

2005-08-05T12:47:00.000-07:00

BUCK WILLIAMS AND THE AMAZING SCI-FI COMIC STRIP!!!!!!

Stay tuned, this is going to be sweet.

Advice Column - Vegas Gustan Edition

2005-08-04T14:13:00.000-07:00

After my very subtle hint that people should send me more e-mails requesting advice from my fountain of undrainable wisdom, I received the following e-mail from my good friend, Vegas Gustan:

Dear Mr. Willy (hee hee, I said Willy),

Anyway, I decided to take you up on your advice. Should I eat chicken or fish on Tuesday when I go out to dinner at Roy's? Thanks for theprompt attention to this matter.

Vegas Gustan

Since mankind first walked out among the stars, and saw God's divine hand in their placement, there has been no issue more fiercly debated and written about than that of the existence of God. But in a close second place is the question of which is the superior psuedo-meat, Chicken or Fish. And I call them psuedo-meats, because frankly, beef and horse are the only meats we eat in the Buck Williams' Household. Or, if it's sea food, then we either eat Dolphin or Baby Seal. But I digress.

I would say, go with the chicken. The reason? Well, let's say you were the last human being on earth, and you were getting older and older, and the only way left to propigate your species was to try and conceive a child with either a fish or a chicken, creating some sort of hybrid half human, half animal species, we all knwo that a fish-man would be waaaaaaaaaaay creepier than a chicken-man. Sorry, it's a scientific fact.

Buck William's Fun Fact: Did you knwo that if you shoot a chicken out of a canon, there is absolutely no chance that it will survive? Especially if you point the canon at a brick wall, or a knife, or something.

But, there is a bigger issue that needs to be addressed. Namely Roy. Have you ever met Roy, Mr. Gustan (or should I call you V, like that creepy miniseries from the 80's)? Roy is a terrible human being! He smells bad, doesn't wash his face, and scares most small dogs. I heard he once beat up three handicapped kids to steal their wheelchairs so he could make a six wheeled go-cart. Oh yea, and that whole "holocaust" thing? That was all Roy.

He also doesn't wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom.

So my ultimate advice (to the extreme max!), is go eat some chicken at a local Kentucky Fried Chicken (trademark). They have delicious meals, friendly service, a clean establishment, and wonderful mashed potatos. And there's always plenty of parking and smiles, when you come to KFC. Kentucky Fried Chicken, where "family" means something.

This advice column has been brought to you by our newest sponser here at "I'm Right and You're Wrong", Kentucky Friend Chicken.